Tag: yellow journalism

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Gluten-Free Rainbow Lollipop Land

I saw something yesterday that touched my heart and completely changed my mind about the airbrushing of American history. I turned on the news and watched helplessly as several TV commentators, most notably the virtuous and trustworthy Van Jones, wept in response to President Trump’s condemnation of hate by both sides and his call for unity (that horrible racist puppy killing Nazi). I too was brought to tears at this display. Granted my tears were of a mirthful and mocking nature but they were tears nonetheless. Then I had an epiphany. We can change history! Together we can undo all the wrongs wrought by our forefathers (not our foremothers, they were women and therefore could do no wrong). After all, we are to blame for events that transpired hundreds, if not thousands, of years before our birth. I know these things because the great Holy Man Alfred Charles Sharpton told me so.

My friends. My country…men…women…trans…CISs .. umm. Oh screw-it … my fellow carbon-based life elements, let us rise together and undue the crimes of our past for which we are wholly responsible! Let us not stop at a measly few confederate statues. Oh no. Like the great socialists that came before us, Stalin, Lenin, Mao and Hitler, let us destroy any vestige of what came before us that does not fit our current view of Utopia free of white men and anyone who identifies as their oppressive birth gender. I propose the following revisions and reversions:

  • All statues, monuments, parks and museums having to do with slavery must be torn down today. May I suggest we save taxpayer money and let the highly motivated millennials do the demolition? We can pay them with Fidget Spinners.
  • Arlington National Cemetery must be bulldozed. Arlington sits on land previously owned by Robert E. Lee. His house still stands there. Also, there are confederate soldiers buried there. May I suggest the land be used as the home of the cultural movement of our time: Occupy (insert the hate of the day here)?
  • The names of Washington state and the District of Columbia must be changed. Washington was a slave owner and therefore a disgrace to all that is good. May I suggest we call them Gluten-Free Rainbow Lollipop Land and Gluten-Free Rainbow Lollipop Land SS (Safe Space)?
  • The name of Pennsylvania must also be changed. William Penn was a slave owner and therefore a worthless pariah to history. May I suggest the name be changed to Clintopia?
  • All statues of, historical mentions of and major legislation (see what I did there?) signed by FDR must be forthwith eliminated. FDR ordered internment camps during World War II. May I suggest his memorial be replaced with one for the peace-loving Che Guevara?
  • Mount Rushmore will need to be renovated. May I suggest we replace the faces of Washington (slave owner), Jefferson (rapist slave owner) and Roosevelt (Indian killer) with great utopian socialists? While not American, we cannot doubt the Omnipotent State Utopias created by Stalin, Mao and Hitler were indeed places of peace and love. They understood that government knew best and could ensure that everyone was treated equally.
  • All railroads must be torn up immediately. The railroads were largely built by Chinese immigrants forced into labor, treated poorly and paid less than $15 an hour. May I suggest the railroads be replaced with bike lanes with Citybike kiosks added every half mile?
  • The state of Maine must be returned to Massachusetts and the state of Missouri must become an unorganized territory. Both were part of the Missouri Compromise, which only propagated slavery. No further suggestion here. (feel free to add your suggestion in the comments)
  • All US Cities must be immediately disbanded. It has been an undisputed fact that evil white meat and gluten eating men forced former slaves from their plantations and packed them into cities in a 200 year plan to keep them subjugated, underprivileged and poorly educated. May I suggest that each of the 45 million or so African Americans, all of whom are still victims of slavery, be given 10 acres of federal land?
  • The democrat party must be disbanded immediately. They have a history of supporting slavery and creating the KKK. May I suggest it be replaced with the ultimate goal of socialism, the Borg?

 

Wait! What the hell am I thinking? I am sorry. Please excuse my ignorance. I am missing the root of the problem. We can solve all our problems with two very simple solutions:

  • There were relatively few black people in the colonies before the slave trade. Since every single African American today is here, and an object of cultural subjugation, due to that slave trade we must reverse it. It seems only logical that all African Americans should be liberated of the “American” and returned to their glorious homelands.

Oh calm down! Don’t call me a racist. I’m not done yet. Damn it Van Jones, stop crying! You aren’t even reading this. Uh Oh, I hear peaceful protesters approaching my house. Are those flamethrowers? I said … LET ME FINISH!

  • When the original evil white colonists arrived from Europe they murdered the peaceful indigenous people, destroyed the lands and raped the native fauna. This land cannot reach its Utopian ideal unless all those of European heritage (i.e. evil white devils) are purged from the land. Therefore, logic dictates that white people of privilege (i.e all evil white devils) be returned to Europe.

Problem solved for all sides! Uh Oh, I said all sides. Here come the peaceful protesters again. Are those gluten-free hybrid chainsaws?

 

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The Media: The Most Dangerous Hate Group in America

I believe subtlety and nuance are vital in proper political discourse. Oh wait. No, I don’t. The most dangerous hate-group in America is the mainstream media. OH NO HE DIDN’T!!! Oh yes I did!

 

I am sorry, do you think that statement is too hyperbolic? Surely, you suggest, the KKK, White Supremacists, Alt Right, Alt Left, Antifa, BLM and anyone living in San Francisco pose a greater danger. After all they have rioted. They have burned buildings. They have destroyed property. They have sent dissenters to the hospital. They have killed civilians and police alike. How can there be doubt that they are the most dangerous hate-groups in America? Let’s explore shall we?

There can be no doubt that the above-named groups are violent and/or dangerous. A simple review of pictures and videos on social media of their behaviors during their “peaceful demonstrations” will prove that point.  However, these people represent a small fraction of the populace. Even the Million-Vagina March (That was the name of it right?) represented on a tiny portion of Americans. More important than whom they represent, these groups can only directly influence an infinitesimal number of people with whom they have direct contact. That said, their influence can be magnified beyond reasonable measure by the media. By that measure, the Alt Left, Antifa, BLM and Pelosi Supporters are more dangerous than the others because they are glorified by the media making their behavior increasingly socially acceptable.

Lest we believe concern about the media is a new thing brought on by the evil Donald Trump and his racist, sexist, baby-eating and puppy killing minions, let’s look at what a couple others have said: Thomas Jefferson said “Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle”. Alexander Hamilton said “It is the Press which has corrupted our political morals. Theodore White, A journalist in the 60’s and 70’s, summed up the power of the press best when he said “the power of the press in America is a primordial one. It sets the agenda of public discussion; and this sweeping political power is unrestrained by any law. It determines what people will talk and think about …”. To sum up, the media is an unrestrained power that determines what people will talk and think about. Unrestrained. Not only are they unrestrained but they are unbalanced, I mean imbalanced. Actually, they are both. They are imbalanced because the clear majority of the mainstream media represent a single political ideology. By any measure, any poll and any research done, today’s American media leans so far left that it topples over into a cartwheel and continues going ad infinitum.  With what does this leave us? An unrestrained and untrustworthy power determining the American zeitgeist with little to no counter-balance. Can there be any question that the mainstream media is the most dangerous group in America?

But Whiggy (can you think of a better nickname?), you say, you said they were a hate group? How can you say that? They don’t march, they don’t riot and they don’t spout hateful speech. Admittedly, I will get more pushback on this point than any other. Hate is a very strong word to be sure. However, how else would you define any group that covers someone negatively 80% of the time (90% when you subtract Fox News) according to several sources, notably the Harvard Kennedy’s Shorenstein Center on Media, Politics and Public Policy? Their hate is not as vulgar as the KKK and Nazi groups proudly displaying symbols of hate and racism. Its not as blatant as the Alt Left and Pelosi minions burning buildings and publicly beating people with whom they disagree. Their hate isn’t chanted in the streets like the Black Lives Matter “What do we want? Dead Cops! When do we want it? Now.” No. Their hate is far dastardlier (cool word – spellcheck liked it more than “more dastardly”). Its ubiquitous. It pervades everything they do. Their hate is best shown in their dearth of any balanced or neutral coverage and their complete acceptance of anything the Moral Aristocracy says without any journalistic skepticism. They have presented the left’s stance as orthodoxy. You are either evil or stupid if you believe otherwise.

There can be no doubt that the mainstream media hates this President. They promote false storylines of fake crimes. They give the bully pulpit to people full of hate who call the President a liar, a Nazi, evil and stupid. The bend and edit his words to further support that picture. They glorify acts of violence as a means of expressing disagreement with him. They outright call anyone who supports him racist and evil. Said bluntly: the media has constructed a zeitgeist of hatred for a President, his supporters and anyone who disagrees with the liberal left.

 “Any dictator would admire the uniformity and obedience of the U.S. media.” – Noam Chomsky

I ask, who else is a more dangerous hate group?

 

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