Tag: whiggy

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Whiggy is back and the Sky is Still There!

Friends, I know its been a long time. Before I begin I must thank you all for your heartfelt messages and that search party you sent to find me. Many people were lost in that search and I will never forget their sacrifice. What? Oh no … I don’t mean they were killed. I mean they were literally lost. But come-on! Did you really think the best way to find me was a pub crawl in Glastonbury? I don’t even live there! I live on a completely different continent! I give you credit for the pub crawl idea (I’ve been known to occasionally attend a pub function or two) but at least search within 2000 miles of my last known location!

I am sure you have wondered where I have been. Friends, after watching, listening to and reading CNN, MSNBC, NBC, CBS, ABC, PBS, NPR, The New York Times, USA Today, the Douche Bsky fallingag Gazette (sorry I already mentioned The New York Times) and my local supermarket flyer, I decided that I had to protect myself and my family from disaster. These wonderful and completely unbiased organizations made it clear that the sky was falling. Now Whiggy isn’t a genius, but he can do basic math. If 14,363 out of 14,366 new organizations say the sky is falling, then the sky is obviously falling. I mean, that many people can’t be wrong!

So, I took myself, my family, the dogs, the cat, the fish, the damn bird, and our survival supplies and moved into a bunker. We cut ourselves off from all news and social media because I knew I wouldn’t be able handle watching the sky fall upon the world. It would be better to just let the world end. Eventually we would return to the ruins and try to rebuild. Well, eventually came pretty quickly. Have you ever spent months alone with your family in a single room without TV and only Hillary’s book for entertainment? At first things were great, we had fantastic conversations, we shared the Whiggy family history, we played Rummy 3 million, we ate the bird and we shared laughter when Hilllary told us “What Happened”.  Her book is hilarious (see what I did there?) the first few times you read it, but eventually it causes signs of the stigmata on anyone touching it for prolonged periods of time. Yes, things were great to begin, all stigmata aside, but then tragedy struck! We ran out of scotch and cigars! Death be damned, we had to return to the world, assess the damages, start rebuilding … and get new scotch and cigars.

When we returned to the world, we were stunned by what we found. Friends, the sky was still there! Not only was it there but it was blue and the sun was shining. We thought perhaps we had all died and gone to heaven. But, since we were still out of scotch and cigars, I knew we were not in heaven. Something was wrong.

We held a quick family meeting to plan and prioritize. While I ran out for scotch and cigars, the family moved everything up from the bunker, cleaned the house, bought food, watched the news, logged into social media, researched the past few months and put together a 45-minute Powerpoint presentation with no damn animation! I returned two days later to attend the presentation. Here are some of their findings:

 

  • The moral aristocracy warned that Trump was racist and sexist. They said he would create policies that would hurt minorities and women. But the Whiggy researchers found that the unemployment rate is below 4% for the first time since 2000. Black unemployment is at its lowest rate in recorded history as is the Latino unemployment rate. The female unemployment rate is the lowest since 2000. But … but …I thought Trump was a racist, sexist misogynistic puppy eating Hitler. Why would he make policies that would help people he hated? Surely this was an anomaly.
  • The moral aristocracy warned that Trump would ruin the US economy and, that in turn, would ruin the world economy. The US economy grew nearly 3% in Q4 and 2.3% in Q1. These numbers aren’t spectacular, but they are showing growth and are far from ruining the economy. Consumer confidence is skyrocketing. Production is up. The stock market is up. Unemployment is down and millions of jobs have been created. Oh, and the US showed the largest one-month tax surplus in history in April. I’m so confused. I guess Trump just got lucky …twice.
  • The moral aristocracy warned that Trump dropping the TPP, renegotiating NAFTA and placing tariffs on Chinese goods would cause a trade war and thus ruin the economy. Oddly, in March, the trade deficit fell slightly in March, exports were up 2% and imports were down 1.8%. Canada and Mexico have both said they feel like negotiations on NAFTA are going well. China, while in a “mine is bigger than yours” contest with the US, are not putting tariffs on anything of vital importance. In other words, they are fighting this “trade war” the way the French fight all wars … limply with bad accents. But, since we know the media and liberals are smarter than us, maybe the world-wide economic collapse caused my Trump is just delayed.

 

OK, so maybe the moral aristocracy got a couple of things wrong in terms of the economy. Or maybe the doom they foretold is just delayed. They have made ever-so-slight, barely noticeable time-line miscalculations before. Just look at the Global Climate Greenhouse Warming Change debate. According to renowned and unquestioned genius Al Gore, we should all be underwater and simultaneously on fire right now. No doubt he was right … but only off by a few thousand millennia… or maybe he was thinking of Mars. Either way, the science is settled.

“But Whiggy,” you say, “Certainly, the moral aristocracy would not make the same sort of honest mistakes about anything else.”

Oh friends … the Whiggy researchers also looked into the claims of impending nuclear war, one of the main reasons for our bunker vacation. They found the following:

  • The moral aristocracy made it clear that President Trump would cause a nuclear war by moving away from the policy of Bend-Overs and Reach-Arounds with North Korea utilized by previous administrations. According to the moral aristocracy: The North Koreans would use their huge arsenal to really really hurt our left shin; The Chinese would support their bestest little brother and send an army of samurai against us with swords made of high quality Chinese steel; Russia would ally with the Chinese (even though all Russians are really super-secret-BFFs with Trump) and launch their modern 1987 military juggernaut against us; Our allies would abandon us; and the French would surrender to Vermont. It is the fear of this great war that sent the Whiggy clan deep into our bunker. You can imagine my shock when I found out that the Koreas agreed to start the proceeding to formally end their 68-year war, Kim Jong Un released 3 American prisoners and Trump and Kim Jong Un will be meeting to discuss de-nuclearization, hot chicks and the future North Korean McDonalds franchises. There was no word on to whom the French had surrendered. When Mini-Whiggy reached out for comment, the French immediately surrendered. Mini-Whiggy is now the King of France.
  • The moral aristocracy also claimed that President Trump’s tough talk about ending the Iranian nuclear deal would instantly hand Iran a nuke and turn all our allies against us. The moment he signed the documenting removing US support from the Iran Nuclear Deal, Chuck Schumer, who never supported the deal, stated that it would make the North Korean negotiations much harder. Hours later, the North Koreans released 3 American prisoners into the custody of the Secretary of State. Imagine if it would have been easy?! In fairness, most of our allies are throwing tantrums at the moment. Perhaps the liberals and media will get this one right and they’ll go it on their own. It worked well for them during WWI and WWII … oh wait.

Ok, so, they were wrong about the economy and WWIII, but surely the sky still fell a little. I don’t want to think I cashed my retirement in for 3 tons of rice and beans for no reason at all! Mrs. Whiggy was not impressed. Luckily, she hasn’t checked hers since we returned … she doesn’t even like chickens … or goats …

  • I called my best friend. He is gay and claimed, upon the election of President Trump, that Trump would restrict his civil rights and Pence would put him into a re-education camp to cure his homosexuality. Surely those things have happened…Nope. The only thing he had to complain about was Trump banning Transsexuals from the military. “Dude, are you Trans?” I asked him. Nope. “Do you want to be in the military?” Nope. “Do you know anyone who is trans and wants to be in the military?” Nope. “How long has the military allowed the trans?” No idea. “Then why the hell do you care?” “Because Trump is homophobic.” My head hurt. I put down the phone and walked away. That was 4 hours ago. I think I can still hear him complaining.
  • The moral aristocracy foretold of Hispanics and blacks being round up and put into jails for no reason. Civil rights would be set back “hundreds of years”. So far, no such round-up has been held. In fact, the President’s approval rating from both groups have been rising at a greater rate than among all other groups.
  • The moral aristocracy stated unequivocally that the Trump campaign colluded with the Russians to tell the truth about Hillary and the DNC and to put out fake news on FB and Twitter to fool moronic Americans into voting against Hillary. They had no doubt that Trump would not last a year. He was most definitely going to be impeached and then, due to some sort of voodoo, Hillary would be named President. Apparently he is still President and Hillary is still on her comedy tour promoting her book.

 

Friends, Whiggy is confused and a little embarrassed, not to mention, I have no idea how to explain to Mrs Whiggy why we own a refurbished Hungarian tank from WWII. Not only has the sky not fallen, but things seem to be going pretty damn well. I have to go check CNN to see why things are going so well. They must be embarrassed that they got things so wrong

bunker

OH MY GOD! I JUST WATCHED 10 MINUTES OF CNN …THE SKY IS FALLING! BACK TO THE BUNKER!

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Whiggy Dreams of Mueller

Friends, let me tell you about a dream I had last night (no, not that kind of dream! What are you, a Hollywood producer?):

In my dream, there was an African American (Rebel Ricky) accused of industrial espionage. The allegations against him stated that he worked with a competitor (Soviet Sales) to undercut and destroy another competitor (She Devil, Inc.) by manipulating customers with false advertisement. Because this alleged crime crossed state and international borders, the FBI got involved with the investigation. In fact, a special investigative team was put together to examine this alleged crime. She Devil, Inc. had a very close, if not incestuous, relationship with the US media. Most of the media were stock holders in She Devil, Inc. and many created a church based on its mystical powers of invulnerability. It was clear to many of She Devil’s followers that it had God like powers. She Devil products had the ability to make otherwise intelligent people into blathering idiots. She Devil products had the power of invisibility. Huge swaths of customers could not see the damage done by its products. She Devil products could kill people and make the police and customers see the deaths as suicide and botched robberies. She Devil products made the media, henceforth referred to as JJEN (Judge, Jury and Executioner News), intellectually masturbate on screen all the while claiming neutrality. Their products truly were God like in the tradition of Jim Jones and Marshall Applewhite.

When asked what crimes were being investigated, the FBI stated that they were looking at collusion between Rebel Ricky, Inc. and Soviet Sales. When asked if there was any evidence of collusion, the FBI stated that there was none but, since She Devil, Inc. lost a major government contract, there must have been something illegal going on. A spokesperson for She Devil, Inc. stated the lack of evidence is precisely why an investigation was needed. JJEN claimed Rebel Ricky’s guilt from the start. 127.6% of coverage was negative against Rebel Ricky. They claimed his products were evil going as far as saying they raped goats and ate babies. Additionally, a subsidiary of She Devil, Inc hired a monkey to sit in a room in Moscow and throw feces at a wall covered with various salacious behaviors.  A group of college students wearing black Gucci torn clothing took a break from burning buildings and went into the room to write down each behavior. Using the list, they alleged Rebel Ricky had performed all these behaviors and then called it a Dossier. That Dossier was given to the FBI by a man, known as the Ancient One, who was passed over for the CEO position for which Ricky was appointed. The FBI used that Dossier as justification to perform anal cavity searches on all Rebel Ricky’s customers.

The FBI put together a Dream Team investigative unit sparing no expense. Of the 476 investigators they hired, 475 of them were customers and true-followers of She Devil, Inc. In a show of balance, one person on the team purchased one of Rebel Ricky’s products that one time…as a gift…for a secret Santa tradition…for a co-worker he hated. JJEN instantly claimed the team to be unbiased. I mean, they did have that one dude. The team worked hard to investigate every orifice of anyone who had ever worked with Soviet Sales, knew anyone related to Soviet Sales, read the name Soviet Sales, knew anyone who read the name Soviet Sales, read an article by JJEN about Soviet Sales or used two words in a row that began with the letter “S”. After 17 years of investigation two people had been indicted. One was indicted for taking three pennies from the Leave-a-Penny-Take-a-Penny tray at the 7-11 in 1987. Another was indicted for lying to the FBI about ordering a Coke at lunch. He had actually ordered a Pepsi …a Diet Pepsi. He is expected to be executed by She Devil, Inc. within the next few weeks.

JJEN did its part to help the investigation by being unbiased in there reporting. They had no biases when it came to making allegations. They gave full time to any allegation regardless of how ridiculous it was. In one week they had to retract 3 separate allegations on which they spent 47 straight hours reporting. Perhaps they should have better vetted their sources. I mean, no one ever believed Rebel Ricky could have kept an apartment in the anal cavity of the CEO of Soviet Sales. He is a pretty tall guy.

While no one seemed to care that the investigative team were major stockholders in She Devil, Inc., things started to go poorly for the investigation once a few minor details came to light. One investigator regularly had lunch with an executive from She Devil, Inc. I’m not sure there is a problem there. I mean, he is a stock holder.  Also, his wife worked for the subsidiary that created the Dossier. JJEN justified this relationship by saying …well …nothing. The nothing became harder to maintain when it was reported elsewhere that two of the investigators exchanged texts in which they said something about a meeting with an FBI executive about ensuring that no one bought Rebel Ricky’s products or sabotaging them if they do. Oh, and then there is the part where one of those investigators was responsible for an interview with She Devil, Inc. for an unrelated crime that was made to go away by She Devil, Inc’s mystical invisibility powers. Oh, and that same person is the one who interviewed the executive who lied about Pepsi … DIET Pepsi. Oh, and that same investigator also changed the wording on a report about She Devil, Inc’s alleged crime form “guilty as all hell” to “saint-like mistake due to stress of sexism”. Oh, and that same investigator texted the woman with whom he was having an affair, another investigator, calling Rebel Ricky the “N” word!

Friends, in the world of this dream, fairness and justice always prevails. JJEN, jolted by the use of the “N” word, started to look a little deeper into the investigation. They began to notice subtle hints of bias and unfairness. Clearly an investigator should not have a bias against those whom they investigate. They remembered the OJ trial. They remembered how a jury decided that a detective who once used the “N” word must have been biased and therefore could not be trusted. They started to understand how a Dossier paid for by Rebel Ricky’s competitor may not be the most trustworthy document. Therefore, they began to muse, perhaps the investigation on which it was built was not legitimate. And in an epiphany of biblical proportions, they began to think that perhaps …just maybe…they should not chose sides. Perhaps…just maybe…they should be fair in their reporting.

In this wonderful dream world, I saw an anchor from JJEN stand before the American people and say the following: “My fellow Americans, we are sorry. We were wron…” ERNT ERNT ERNT

My damn alarm!

Perhaps it wasn’t a dream?

I turned on the news: “Trump drinks 27 Diet Cokes a day and eats the hearts of orphan transgendered undocumented visitors.”

DAMN IT! Time to go back to sleep.

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Crap! I Meant to Talk About Taxes

Friends, Whiggy has been neglectful of you all lately. For that, I am deeply sorry. I often travel for work and, between travel and a couple of projects I have been developing, I have been too swamped to write. For my liberal reader(s), work is a thing where you contribute to society and the greater economy by producing goods or services. In return for getting out of bed in the morning, getting dressed in clothes that don’t double as pajamas and producing goods and/or services while following the rules of an employer, you get a thing called a paycheck.

“But Whiggy,” my liberal reader (I’ll call her/him/it Libby) is thinking “I don’t have to get out of bed and I get to wear my hot pajamas that say ‘sexy’ on the ass all day and I still get a paycheck from the government.”

welfareOh, silly Libby. That’s not a paycheck. A paycheck is something exchanged for work. What you get is a handout from your fellow Americans. You get that because liberals need people to vote for them. By giving you money for contributing nothing to society, they have ensured that you cannot fend for yourself and, therefore, need the government to survive. In short, they have enslaved you. Go ahead, think about that for minute. (Begin calling me a racist in 10,9,8,7 …)

“I’m not a slave!” Libby the liberal screams through her Menthol Pall Malls. “Slaves do work for free. I do nothing for free money!”

Hmmm… I see what you are going for Libby. But, as with almost everything in the liberal world view, you are moronically wrong. You are a slave. The product you provide are votes and generations of new slave voters. Now, shut-up so I can get back to this blog!

Since we are talking about paychecks, I wanted to share an observation of my own paycheck. With all the talk of the new Republican tax plan, I was curious to see what I have paid in taxes thus far this year. How do I put this tactfully? Hmmm … I know! … I’m just glad I didn’t have tacos last night because I sh@t myself! Trust me, that’s the tactful version. I’m working on a theory that your own professional success can be measured in the amount of feces left in your pants after seeing your tax contributions. By that measure I have achieved a moderate amount of non-taco success.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I do not mind paying my “fair share” of taxes. The fact of the matter is that the government needs money to operate and, whether we always recognize it, the government does do a lot of good and necessary things. They do a lot of superfluous and insanely expensive and wasteful crap as well but we’ll save that for a later post. No, I don’t mind paying a fair amount of taxes. What I do mind, is when my taxes are used to pay for those who choose not to contribute to society. Notice what I said there: who choose not to. I have always been a firm believer that the government should take care of those who CANNOT take care of themselves. They should not take care of those who CHOOSE NOT to take care of themselves.

“You are treading on dangerous ground Whigman” You are thinking right about now. “Your white privilege is showing”

Let me respond with …. Wait … “Whigman”? No. You may call me Whiggy or His Holiness the Whig, but you may not call me Whigman. I’m pretty sure that’s sexist! Let me illustrate my point with a real-life story. When I was a young Whiggy, well before my wig had grayed I worked as a Parent Aide not far from the town where I was born. Part of my job, at the age of 24, was to help parents develop parenting and basic household skills. I have always been a fiscal conservative but one of my clients, oh hell let’s call her Libby too, further cemented my conservatism. Libby was my age at the time and had 5 children all under the age of 7. They had 4 different fathers. That is no a judgement of her judgement. It is simply a verifiable fact. Budgeting was one of the things I worked on with Libby. In order to do that I needed to get a full accounting of all forms of income and assistance she received.

I know this will be shocking, but she did not work.

“Now, now, Whiggy!” you are saying “Be fair! Raising 5 kids is work. You can’t work and raise 5 young kids. Don’t be mean dude!”

First, “Dude”? Really? I expect more from my readers! Whiggy or His Holiness the Whig. Don’t make me say it again. I’ll let it go this time. Second, she didn’t stay home with her children. She had several hours of free daycare a week for each of her children. I don’t remember how much, but I think it was around 25 hours a week for each child.

Back to my story. Libby, received WIC, childcare, food stamps, fuel assistance, welfare and a few other forms of assistance. That’s not to mention her boyfriend, the father of two of the children, who sold pot out of her apartment, for which she received rent assistance. Here is what truly cemented my conservatism: When I added up the value of all her assistance (I left out pot sales) she made more than the first Mrs. Whiggy and I together. We both had college degrees, a full-time job and a part-time job. We had one child at the time because had a full understanding of birth control.

Let me sum that up for you. Pay attention Libby … as I talk about Libby. The first Mrs. Whiggy and I both had college degrees and multiple jobs (all in the helping profession, incidentally). Libby had no job, unless breeding with random lowlifes counts as a job and she … MADE MORE FRICKEN MONEY THAN WE DID!!!! My first response when I discovered this was to shout WHAT THE F@CK inside my head. While I was spending four years getting an education and deeper in debt so that I could make more money for my eventual family, she spent four years getting Fu … well you get the idea.

“But Whiggy” those of you with a heart are thinking “She needs all those services so that her children can have a life and possibly break the cycle of poverty.”

To that I say … SHUT IT, HIPPIE! Do you know what she did with all those services? Let me illustrate a few examples. She used her welfare money to rent Large Screen TVs, game systems and computers from Rent-a-Center. When she couldn’t pay anymore, they would come and get the stuff. When she had money, they’d rent it right back to her. She used her food stamps for food …no let me rephrase that…she used her foodstamps for munchies and cigarettes for when she was high. She used all that time her kids were in daycare to work hard … at getting high and pregnant again. When I learned of how she used all this money I said ARE YOU F@CKING KIDDING ME. This time out-loud.

She defended herself: She had a rough childhood. Her dad went to jail when she was 13. Her mother was disabled (i.e. too fat to work). She went to a bad school. She started smoking young and couldn’t quit. And, my favorite, no one taught her about birth control.

I responded with a deeply sincere and caring response. It went something like this:” Get the hell over yourself, get off your ass, stop making excuses and get a fricken life. I was born to a 15-year-old living in foster care in the next town over. I was taken away at 3 months for failure to thrive because I lost weight since birth. I lived in 6 different families before I was 6 years old. I experienced every kind of abuse you could imagine by multiple families. Without being pushed by anyone I went to college so that my children would never experience that. I don’t want to hear any of your BS.”

I got fired.

Wait. What was my point? Crap! I meant to talk about taxes. Next time I guess.