Tag: wandering whig

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An Open Letter to Jeff Zucker

Dear Mr. Zucker,

Normally, my writing is ever so slightly snarky and sarcastic. I like to make people laugh, cry and burn their own houses down, all with the same sentence. However, I will try, in this letter, to be both serious and sincere. (Please know I will most definitely fail.) Although I know you will never actually read this or, if you do, you will not take it seriously, I do truly wish you can make changes and return CNN to the trusted news organization it once was.

Time CNN startI was 9 when CNN first launched. I, of course, did not watch it then, but I do remember my father watching every night. My first true memory was in 1986 during the Challenger disaster. I was sick that day and I stayed home from school. I watched the launch live. I don’t think I moved from CNN for two days. It was around the same time that I began to seriously get interested into news and politics. While my mother loved NBC’s Tom Brokaw, I always thought Bernard Shaw was the smartest man on TV. Well, except for Alex Trebek. I watched the 1988 election returns on CNN. I have watched CNN on election night for every election since …well, until 2012…but I’ll get to that later. It was the first Gulf War though that cemented my obsession with CNN. I remember watching Peter Arnett and Wolf Blitzer and being amazed by how close to everything they seemed. Plus, you had a dude named Wolf who looked like a damned werewolf. How cool was CNN? And then you went the final step towards greatness, you got Darth Vader to announce “This is CNN” 13,000 times a day! I honestly do not remember watching any of the network nighttime news from that point forward. I still don’t. I even remember when MSNBC first tried to compete. That was adorable! They sucked then and they have only gotten worse. Fox News started right around then too. I didn’t even know they existed for another decade. CNN was the undisputed king of news and I was a loyal follower.

Jeff, whenever any major event happened anywhere in the world, I would head straight to CNN. You had the best coverage and seemed to have a reporter in every city and small village on the planet. You always had a bit of a slant, but I just accepted that as a necessary evil of any news program. I never thought it had a major impact on the quality of your coverage. Fox came along with an obvious and admitted bias and did very well. Shortly thereafter, MSNBC decided to compete by admitting their bias and did not do so well. See my previous statement about them still sucking. CNN seemed to play the middle ground. You still proclaimed to do straight news despite your increasingly obvious bias. While your programming quality seemed to decline, I still turned to CNN during any major world event.

I first started to turn away from CNN in 2012. I watched the election night returns with my beloved wife and a few friends of mixed political persuasion. We played a little game wherein we watched CNN, Fox News and MSNBC in 15-minute intervals. Jeff, I was shocked. I had always relied on CNN to be my news network during elections but what I witnessed made me sick. If it weren’t for the remnants of Obama love glistening on Chris Mathews’ lips, I would have said CNN was worse than MSNBC in their liberal bias. Fox News, even with their obvious right bias, was far more honest and balanced than anyone on CNN. My eyes were opened, and it made me sad. It reminded me of the moment I realized my big brother, whom I always worshipped as a child, was actually a moron. The good news though was that while I was stuck with my brother, I could always turn CNN off.

Over the next 4 years I watched CNN decline far more than I ever thought possible. I don’t know if you saw Fox News dominate both in rating and earnings and decided to try to be their counterpoint instead of MSNBC or you just hired a bunch of really shitty excuses for talent. But Jeff, CNN is no longer a news network. You lost your way. You have lost what made CNN great. In a recent survey, 69% of people said CNN was trustworthy. That same survey ranked the most trustworthy news channels as BBC, Fox News and PBS, in that order with CNN almost 20 points behind. Aside from the inherent humor in the number 69, I cannot think of a more damning repudiation of what CNN has become.

With the exception of maybe John King, I cannot think of a single straight news person CNN has left. Even Wolf, once one of the most trusted people in news, has gone off the damn rails! Wolf! That one hurts. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind editorial shows with which I disagree. I like to watch some of those because it tests my own convictions. The problem is that most of your hosts are simply unlikable. Anderson Cooper used to be tolerable, but he seems to have grown an ego not commensurate with his talent. Don Lemon is just plain stupid. Seriously Jeff, he’s not smart enough to host the Puppy Bowl. Chris Cuomo always looks like a little rich boy forced to sleep on 250 thread count sheets in a Motel 6. Change his name to Chris Jones and he might barely have the talent to be a fry-cook at White Castle. Brian Stelter … well … he’s that dude that you just want to punch in the face. Ok, I realize that’s not a good critique and has nothing to do with his talent, but seriously he might be the most punchable person on TV. I get that several of them are hosts and are not expected to be fair straight journalists, but CNN truly loses it when it comes to Abilio Acosta. He is supposed to be a journalist. He is supposed to do straight news. Jeff, he is a douche of epic proportions! And I don’t think I am being hyperbolic here. He is such a douche that even Massengil could not use him as a spokesperson because he would give douche a bad name. He has done nothing for the past two years but share his opinion and whine that other people have noticed his extreme douchiness.  If you think he has talent, give him his own opinion show and see if any sentient being on the planet would watch, but please, for the love of all things journalistic, remove him from the White House. It should be easy. I’m pretty sure he is a douche of the disposable variety.

I told you I would fail at trying to avoid sarcasm and snark. Back to being serious and sincere (although I am sincere about Abilio’s douchiness). Jeff, you can save CNN with a few simple steps. 1) Admit that CNN has lost its way and commit to returning to your roots; 2) Fire Don Lemon and replace him with someone right leaning to add some balance to your editorial shows. (Don probably won’t notice because he is dumber than a taco); 3) Take advantage of Abilio’s douche nature and dispose of him. (But, not in a toilet. My plumber told me that’s bad for the plumbing.) Replace him with an actual journalist.

If you take those three steps, I promise you will get this formally loyal viewer back and probably a million more.

With respect (despite my snark),

 

Whiggy

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Whiggy Dreams of Mueller

Friends, let me tell you about a dream I had last night (no, not that kind of dream! What are you, a Hollywood producer?):

In my dream, there was an African American (Rebel Ricky) accused of industrial espionage. The allegations against him stated that he worked with a competitor (Soviet Sales) to undercut and destroy another competitor (She Devil, Inc.) by manipulating customers with false advertisement. Because this alleged crime crossed state and international borders, the FBI got involved with the investigation. In fact, a special investigative team was put together to examine this alleged crime. She Devil, Inc. had a very close, if not incestuous, relationship with the US media. Most of the media were stock holders in She Devil, Inc. and many created a church based on its mystical powers of invulnerability. It was clear to many of She Devil’s followers that it had God like powers. She Devil products had the ability to make otherwise intelligent people into blathering idiots. She Devil products had the power of invisibility. Huge swaths of customers could not see the damage done by its products. She Devil products could kill people and make the police and customers see the deaths as suicide and botched robberies. She Devil products made the media, henceforth referred to as JJEN (Judge, Jury and Executioner News), intellectually masturbate on screen all the while claiming neutrality. Their products truly were God like in the tradition of Jim Jones and Marshall Applewhite.

When asked what crimes were being investigated, the FBI stated that they were looking at collusion between Rebel Ricky, Inc. and Soviet Sales. When asked if there was any evidence of collusion, the FBI stated that there was none but, since She Devil, Inc. lost a major government contract, there must have been something illegal going on. A spokesperson for She Devil, Inc. stated the lack of evidence is precisely why an investigation was needed. JJEN claimed Rebel Ricky’s guilt from the start. 127.6% of coverage was negative against Rebel Ricky. They claimed his products were evil going as far as saying they raped goats and ate babies. Additionally, a subsidiary of She Devil, Inc hired a monkey to sit in a room in Moscow and throw feces at a wall covered with various salacious behaviors.  A group of college students wearing black Gucci torn clothing took a break from burning buildings and went into the room to write down each behavior. Using the list, they alleged Rebel Ricky had performed all these behaviors and then called it a Dossier. That Dossier was given to the FBI by a man, known as the Ancient One, who was passed over for the CEO position for which Ricky was appointed. The FBI used that Dossier as justification to perform anal cavity searches on all Rebel Ricky’s customers.

The FBI put together a Dream Team investigative unit sparing no expense. Of the 476 investigators they hired, 475 of them were customers and true-followers of She Devil, Inc. In a show of balance, one person on the team purchased one of Rebel Ricky’s products that one time…as a gift…for a secret Santa tradition…for a co-worker he hated. JJEN instantly claimed the team to be unbiased. I mean, they did have that one dude. The team worked hard to investigate every orifice of anyone who had ever worked with Soviet Sales, knew anyone related to Soviet Sales, read the name Soviet Sales, knew anyone who read the name Soviet Sales, read an article by JJEN about Soviet Sales or used two words in a row that began with the letter “S”. After 17 years of investigation two people had been indicted. One was indicted for taking three pennies from the Leave-a-Penny-Take-a-Penny tray at the 7-11 in 1987. Another was indicted for lying to the FBI about ordering a Coke at lunch. He had actually ordered a Pepsi …a Diet Pepsi. He is expected to be executed by She Devil, Inc. within the next few weeks.

JJEN did its part to help the investigation by being unbiased in there reporting. They had no biases when it came to making allegations. They gave full time to any allegation regardless of how ridiculous it was. In one week they had to retract 3 separate allegations on which they spent 47 straight hours reporting. Perhaps they should have better vetted their sources. I mean, no one ever believed Rebel Ricky could have kept an apartment in the anal cavity of the CEO of Soviet Sales. He is a pretty tall guy.

While no one seemed to care that the investigative team were major stockholders in She Devil, Inc., things started to go poorly for the investigation once a few minor details came to light. One investigator regularly had lunch with an executive from She Devil, Inc. I’m not sure there is a problem there. I mean, he is a stock holder.  Also, his wife worked for the subsidiary that created the Dossier. JJEN justified this relationship by saying …well …nothing. The nothing became harder to maintain when it was reported elsewhere that two of the investigators exchanged texts in which they said something about a meeting with an FBI executive about ensuring that no one bought Rebel Ricky’s products or sabotaging them if they do. Oh, and then there is the part where one of those investigators was responsible for an interview with She Devil, Inc. for an unrelated crime that was made to go away by She Devil, Inc’s mystical invisibility powers. Oh, and that same person is the one who interviewed the executive who lied about Pepsi … DIET Pepsi. Oh, and that same investigator also changed the wording on a report about She Devil, Inc’s alleged crime form “guilty as all hell” to “saint-like mistake due to stress of sexism”. Oh, and that same investigator texted the woman with whom he was having an affair, another investigator, calling Rebel Ricky the “N” word!

Friends, in the world of this dream, fairness and justice always prevails. JJEN, jolted by the use of the “N” word, started to look a little deeper into the investigation. They began to notice subtle hints of bias and unfairness. Clearly an investigator should not have a bias against those whom they investigate. They remembered the OJ trial. They remembered how a jury decided that a detective who once used the “N” word must have been biased and therefore could not be trusted. They started to understand how a Dossier paid for by Rebel Ricky’s competitor may not be the most trustworthy document. Therefore, they began to muse, perhaps the investigation on which it was built was not legitimate. And in an epiphany of biblical proportions, they began to think that perhaps …just maybe…they should not chose sides. Perhaps…just maybe…they should be fair in their reporting.

In this wonderful dream world, I saw an anchor from JJEN stand before the American people and say the following: “My fellow Americans, we are sorry. We were wron…” ERNT ERNT ERNT

My damn alarm!

Perhaps it wasn’t a dream?

I turned on the news: “Trump drinks 27 Diet Cokes a day and eats the hearts of orphan transgendered undocumented visitors.”

DAMN IT! Time to go back to sleep.

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So, you wanna be a racist

Friends, from time to time Whiggy gets approached with requests for advice on how to be cool and fit in. It’s understandable. Who else would you go to for advice other than a middle-aged man who wears a powdered wig and dresses in colonial period clothing? I mean … duh! I help where and when I can. I am, afterall, not an expert on everything.

“Whiggy, how do I get the girl?”

Answer: You don’t. Flirting, asking a girl out or looking at a girl is sexual assault and will lose you your seat in congress.

“Whiggy, what is the origins of the gods in the Iliad?”

Answer: They date back to the Mycenean Period of Greece dating to the 1200’s BC.

“Whiggy, why are liberals so dumb?”

Answer: They are not really dumb. They simply live in a fantasy world devoid of authentic relationships with reality and human understanding.

“Whiggy, how do I be a racist? Everyone else is being called a racist and I am feeling left out”

you-are-racist-olzntbAnswer: This is an excellent question. First, we must clarify the word racist. There are two definitions: the classic definition and the modern definition. The classic definition of racist according to the Oxford English dictionary is: A person who shows or feels discrimination or prejudice against people of other races, or who believes that a particular race is superior to another. Slavery, not allowing African Americans to vote, not allowing African Americans to use the same facilities as Caucasians and calling African Americans by demeaning and disrespectful names are all examples for racism and being a racist. Racism has been around for all recorded history. I suspect it first started when one group of humans came upon another group of humans who looked different from them. Classic racism has led to slavery of persons of all colors. It has lead to wars. And it has led to deep divisions within geographical cultures. Racism is real. Racism has always been real. And, unfortunately, racism will always be real.

Classic racism is something to be taken seriously. It is not a laughing matter. Conversely, modern racism, as defined by the moral aristocracy, has become a joke. Hence this blog post. It is a word thrown around recklessly with astounding frequency. Unfortunately, it has taken focus away from true racism and diverted both energy and resources.

Modern racism, while tangentially related to the classic version, is a different concept. Modern racism is a weaponization of language meant to throttle disagreement with the philosophical pillars of the moral aristocracy.

With those two definitions in mind, let us get back to the question. Being a classic racist is pretty straight forward: just be a hateful, ignorant moron. However, I do not believe that is what my reader was asking. I believe he was asking how to a modern racist. That requires a slightly more nuanced answer.

There are five steps to being a modern racist:

  • Be white. According to modern racist thought, being born white makes you at least 75% racist from the onset. It’s the moral aristocracy version of Original Sin. If you are white, you are responsible for the sins of ancestors.

“Whiggy, can people who are not white be racist?” you ask.

Good question. In the United States, modern racists orthodoxy would say no. A person who is not white cannot be racist. My African American friends cannot be racist because they are victims of what their ancestors suffered and are, therefore, just evening the scales. There are exceptions to this that I will describe later. My Hispanic friends also cannot be racist. I am not sure why but I think its because they are a minority portion of American society and only those in the majority can be racists. I will have to put a team of investigators on it. My Asian friends also cannot be racist despite the light color of their skin. I have a team of investigators on that already.

  • Be a Republican or right-leaning independent. Loosely translated into the language of the moral aristocracy, Republican means “Evil racist”. A democrat cannot, by definition, be racist. Interestingly, being a Republican also changes the color of your skin. The orthodoxy of modern racism states that any African American who choses to be a Republican, instantly becomes white. Therefore, in an exception to #1, that person becomes a racist.

“But Whiggy,” you ask “What about the history of the Democratic Party? Doesn’t that matter?”

Silly, ignorant, racist reader. History does not matter when it doesn’t fit the current mythology espoused by the moral aristocracy. Sure, it was the Democrats that most supported slavery. Sure, it was the Democrats that made it their platform to have majority rule regardless of trampling on the rights of the minority. Sure, it was the Democrats that counted black slaves as 3/5 of a person. Sure, it was the Democrats that systematically wiped out the Native Americans. Sure, it was the Democrats that opposed civil rights. Sure, it was the Democrats that supported segregation. Sure, it is the Democrats that support a system that makes people of lower means increasingly reliant on the government for survival. All those things are true, but none of those things matter. History has not be revised, it has been ignored. My friends, those in the moral aristocracy cannot be and have never been racist for one reason and one reason only: Because they say so.

  • Support law enforcement. According to modern racism orthodoxy, all law enforcement is, at its core, racist. In fact, it could be argued that all laws are racist because they disproportionally enforced.

“But Whiggy, aren’t laws in place to make everyone safe?”

No, that’s racist. The moral aristocracy clearly states that all laws were put in place by white men to keep all non-whites down. Remember, you are required by the rules of the moral aristocracy to ignore all of history and the previous laws passed by democrats. Laws are disproportionally enforced on African Americans and Hispanics. Period. End of story. Therefore, if you support law enforcement, you are supporting racism and are, thus, a racist.

“But Whiggy, aren’t the laws also disproportionally broken by …”

Stop it! That’s using logic. Using logic is racist.

  • Support or Not Support African American or Hispanic artistic expressions (Republican Only Rule). It is cultural appropriation to like or create and artistic expression from any race other than your own. Cultural appropriation is racist. Likewise, it is racist to not like and support the cultural expressions of races other than your own. It shows you are close-minded and you hate anything non-white.

“But Whiggy, that makes no sense!”

Hey! Stop being racist. The moral aristocracy has said it, therefore it is so. Oh, I forgot to add one more piece. It is racist not to invest in traditionally African American or Hispanic neighborhoods. Not investing clearly shows you want to keep them down. Investing in the same neighborhoods is also racist. It leads to gentrification. Gentrification is racist.

  • Disagree with a liberal … about anything.

“Ok Whiggy, now you are just sounding crazy.”

The moral aristocracy has deemed that anyone who disagrees with their orthodoxy is a racist. This extends to any disagreement with a liberal. Read the news. If you voted for Trump, you are a racist. If you support tax reform, you are a racist. If you make Chuck Schumer cry, you are a racist.

Try it yourself. Talk to a liberal … about anything. Ask them for their opinion on a subject as far away from a race issue as you can find. There is a 96.7% chance they will call you a racist within 7 minutes. Go ahead try it. It’ll be fun. Then you will be called a racist just like everyone else who does not bow to the moral aristocracy.

So, there you have it: 5 easy steps to being a racist. And remember, Whiggy is always here for advice!

Happy racism!

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Thankful to be Whiggy

Friends, it is common practice to think about what we are thankful for on this day. I am no different … well I am, but not when it comes to this! I hope you will indulge me in a little Whiggy Time:

I am thankful for my three amazing children. They never cease to amaze me with their accomplishments, their drive, their hearts, and their ability to think for themselves and see through the liberal curtain thrown over their heads every day. They are loving, thoughtful, caring, positive, talented and independent. No father has been more blessed than I.

I am thankful for Mrs. Whiggy. No husband can be prouder of his wife. Her accomplishments are beyond measure, yet she has remained humble throughout. She is my best friend, my partner, my biggest pain in the butt (don’t tell her) and the love of my life. I know I do not deserve her, but I strive to be a better husband and person everyday just to get a little closer to deserving.

I am thankful for the opportunity to write this blog. I cannot tell you the thrill I get from the positive feedback. Even from some of the not so positive feedback. I love being me, being honest and being ever so slightly a wise-@ss. I have stopped political conversations on Facebook for many reasons (Please share on Facebook). Here I get to say what needs to be said without fear of retribution or losing fake friends.

I am thankful for a job that allows me to support my family comfortably as well as pay for two kids in college all the while contributing something to society in a positive way. Every day I know that I am doing good for the world.

I am thankful that I have so many friends who are willing to engage in friendly political debate without getting personal. I am especially thankful for my many liberal friends who, while wrong in every way, make concerted efforts to back-up their arguments in an intelligent and informed manner.

I am saddened that both of my parents have passed but I am undyingly thankful and grateful that they saved me from a world of abuse, pain, neglect and rejection when they adopted me as an 11-year-old. They taught me to love, to forgive and to take responsibility when warranted. My mother taught me to swear at the TV during sports because it helps. My father taught me to swear and throw things when building/fixing things because it helps as well. They were not perfect, but they were perfectly what I needed.

I am thankful for the tumultuous childhood I had. I would not wish my experiences on my worse enemy, but I would not change any of it. Not the physical, sexual and mental abuse, not the neglect and malnourishment as a baby and not the abandonment. Those things made me who I am. I learned who I was and who I never wanted to be. Those experiences gave my children a better father and my wife a better husband.

I am thankful that I was wrong about Donald Trump. While I still am not the biggest fan of HOW he does things, I am a big fan of what he is doing. I love having a President again, who loves our country and wants to tear down the moral aristocracy.

Finally, I am thankful to have been born in this great country. I have been blessed to see the very worst we have to offer and the very best. These things have made me appreciate everything we have to offer. A day does not go by that I do not thank the Lord that I am an American.

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Crap! I Meant to Talk About Taxes

Friends, Whiggy has been neglectful of you all lately. For that, I am deeply sorry. I often travel for work and, between travel and a couple of projects I have been developing, I have been too swamped to write. For my liberal reader(s), work is a thing where you contribute to society and the greater economy by producing goods or services. In return for getting out of bed in the morning, getting dressed in clothes that don’t double as pajamas and producing goods and/or services while following the rules of an employer, you get a thing called a paycheck.

“But Whiggy,” my liberal reader (I’ll call her/him/it Libby) is thinking “I don’t have to get out of bed and I get to wear my hot pajamas that say ‘sexy’ on the ass all day and I still get a paycheck from the government.”

welfareOh, silly Libby. That’s not a paycheck. A paycheck is something exchanged for work. What you get is a handout from your fellow Americans. You get that because liberals need people to vote for them. By giving you money for contributing nothing to society, they have ensured that you cannot fend for yourself and, therefore, need the government to survive. In short, they have enslaved you. Go ahead, think about that for minute. (Begin calling me a racist in 10,9,8,7 …)

“I’m not a slave!” Libby the liberal screams through her Menthol Pall Malls. “Slaves do work for free. I do nothing for free money!”

Hmmm… I see what you are going for Libby. But, as with almost everything in the liberal world view, you are moronically wrong. You are a slave. The product you provide are votes and generations of new slave voters. Now, shut-up so I can get back to this blog!

Since we are talking about paychecks, I wanted to share an observation of my own paycheck. With all the talk of the new Republican tax plan, I was curious to see what I have paid in taxes thus far this year. How do I put this tactfully? Hmmm … I know! … I’m just glad I didn’t have tacos last night because I sh@t myself! Trust me, that’s the tactful version. I’m working on a theory that your own professional success can be measured in the amount of feces left in your pants after seeing your tax contributions. By that measure I have achieved a moderate amount of non-taco success.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I do not mind paying my “fair share” of taxes. The fact of the matter is that the government needs money to operate and, whether we always recognize it, the government does do a lot of good and necessary things. They do a lot of superfluous and insanely expensive and wasteful crap as well but we’ll save that for a later post. No, I don’t mind paying a fair amount of taxes. What I do mind, is when my taxes are used to pay for those who choose not to contribute to society. Notice what I said there: who choose not to. I have always been a firm believer that the government should take care of those who CANNOT take care of themselves. They should not take care of those who CHOOSE NOT to take care of themselves.

“You are treading on dangerous ground Whigman” You are thinking right about now. “Your white privilege is showing”

Let me respond with …. Wait … “Whigman”? No. You may call me Whiggy or His Holiness the Whig, but you may not call me Whigman. I’m pretty sure that’s sexist! Let me illustrate my point with a real-life story. When I was a young Whiggy, well before my wig had grayed I worked as a Parent Aide not far from the town where I was born. Part of my job, at the age of 24, was to help parents develop parenting and basic household skills. I have always been a fiscal conservative but one of my clients, oh hell let’s call her Libby too, further cemented my conservatism. Libby was my age at the time and had 5 children all under the age of 7. They had 4 different fathers. That is no a judgement of her judgement. It is simply a verifiable fact. Budgeting was one of the things I worked on with Libby. In order to do that I needed to get a full accounting of all forms of income and assistance she received.

I know this will be shocking, but she did not work.

“Now, now, Whiggy!” you are saying “Be fair! Raising 5 kids is work. You can’t work and raise 5 young kids. Don’t be mean dude!”

First, “Dude”? Really? I expect more from my readers! Whiggy or His Holiness the Whig. Don’t make me say it again. I’ll let it go this time. Second, she didn’t stay home with her children. She had several hours of free daycare a week for each of her children. I don’t remember how much, but I think it was around 25 hours a week for each child.

Back to my story. Libby, received WIC, childcare, food stamps, fuel assistance, welfare and a few other forms of assistance. That’s not to mention her boyfriend, the father of two of the children, who sold pot out of her apartment, for which she received rent assistance. Here is what truly cemented my conservatism: When I added up the value of all her assistance (I left out pot sales) she made more than the first Mrs. Whiggy and I together. We both had college degrees, a full-time job and a part-time job. We had one child at the time because had a full understanding of birth control.

Let me sum that up for you. Pay attention Libby … as I talk about Libby. The first Mrs. Whiggy and I both had college degrees and multiple jobs (all in the helping profession, incidentally). Libby had no job, unless breeding with random lowlifes counts as a job and she … MADE MORE FRICKEN MONEY THAN WE DID!!!! My first response when I discovered this was to shout WHAT THE F@CK inside my head. While I was spending four years getting an education and deeper in debt so that I could make more money for my eventual family, she spent four years getting Fu … well you get the idea.

“But Whiggy” those of you with a heart are thinking “She needs all those services so that her children can have a life and possibly break the cycle of poverty.”

To that I say … SHUT IT, HIPPIE! Do you know what she did with all those services? Let me illustrate a few examples. She used her welfare money to rent Large Screen TVs, game systems and computers from Rent-a-Center. When she couldn’t pay anymore, they would come and get the stuff. When she had money, they’d rent it right back to her. She used her food stamps for food …no let me rephrase that…she used her foodstamps for munchies and cigarettes for when she was high. She used all that time her kids were in daycare to work hard … at getting high and pregnant again. When I learned of how she used all this money I said ARE YOU F@CKING KIDDING ME. This time out-loud.

She defended herself: She had a rough childhood. Her dad went to jail when she was 13. Her mother was disabled (i.e. too fat to work). She went to a bad school. She started smoking young and couldn’t quit. And, my favorite, no one taught her about birth control.

I responded with a deeply sincere and caring response. It went something like this:” Get the hell over yourself, get off your ass, stop making excuses and get a fricken life. I was born to a 15-year-old living in foster care in the next town over. I was taken away at 3 months for failure to thrive because I lost weight since birth. I lived in 6 different families before I was 6 years old. I experienced every kind of abuse you could imagine by multiple families. Without being pushed by anyone I went to college so that my children would never experience that. I don’t want to hear any of your BS.”

I got fired.

Wait. What was my point? Crap! I meant to talk about taxes. Next time I guess.

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Hypocritical Cow-Napping and Liberal Moral Decrepitude

Friends, Whiggy has made his fair share of poor decisions. I haven’t always behaved in a way I would like my children to behave. Let me share an example: One time in college, I decided that my dorm suffered from an extreme bovine deficiency. In order to rectify the situation, I decided to liberate a cow from my university’s farm in the ag program. The liberation did not go well at first. The cow I chose, I will call her Hillary for the purposes of this story, had acow theft bit of a Theon Greyjoy moment and did not want to leave. After a long discussion of bovine rights and systemic subjugation, I convinced her to follow me up to my dorm. Back then, “see something, say something” had not yet been coined and therefore, everyone who saw something, waved and offered me adult beverages but said nothing to the authorities. Whiggy was a Poli-Sci/English major back then. Had I been a math or science major I may have realized that a full-grown cow could not fit through the singlewide door in the back of my dorm. After several attempts and a few more adult beverages, I gave up and decided that my Bovine Liberation Society would be short lived. I subtly made sure a friend of mine in the Ag program knew about the cow by running down her hall screaming “The cows are coming; the cows are coming”. It was important to me to ensure Hillary would be returned by someone more able and sober than I. I mean, I did all that work to free her and get her up the hill. I wasn’t about to return her too. Geesh, I can’t do everything!”

“Whiggy,” you are saying right about now “you are doing it again. Can you get to the point and tell us why you are telling us this story?”

Indeed, I will. But first let me tell you what I learned from this experience: absolutely nothing. Well, expect that cows are fat and don’t fit through human sized doors. I paid no consequence. I got a ton of laughs. And I was legend on campus for about a week (although that may be only in my head). But here is the thing: I knew then that what I was doing, while funny as hell, was wrong. I know now that it was wrong. If I heard a story of someone doing something similar today, I could not stand on my high horse, call PETA and excoriate that person for animal cruelty … or cownapping … or racism. I would be a hypocritical ass. See where I am going now?

Kidding aside, there are a number of morally dubious decisions I have made in my life that I would not dare to judge someone else on if they made a similar decision. Any decently honest person should feel the same. That is not so say that you cannot learn from your mistakes and try to pass that learning on to others. Rest assured, my daughters know that cows cannot fit into singlewide doors and will, most likely, not attempt to recreate my hilarious folly.

This brings me to my main point: I call the liberal elite class the Moral Aristocracy because they have taken the role of the moral majority over the past few decades. They decide what is morally acceptable based on the direction of the wind on any given day. If you do not agree with what they say, you are evil. Notice I said, “what they say” and not what they do. Liberals have long ignored the behaviors of the compatriots. Words matter – behaviors are ignored. Let’s look at a few examples, shall we?

One of my favorite examples of liberal hypocrisy is the Lion of the Senate himself, Edward ‘Ted’ Kennedy. Lest anyone forget, Teddy killed a woman. He left a party with Mary Jo Kopechne, drove his car off a bridge and swam to safety as she drown in the car. Oh wait, there is more.  He returned to his hotel and went to bed. In the morning he called his friends for advice, went back to the scene and then, 10 hours later, reported it. What deep penalty did he pay? How did the moral aristocracy judge him? He received a 2-month suspended sentence and couldn’t run for president for 10 more years. That’s it. Worse yet, he became the symbol of the Democrat party over the next few decades. He was dubbed the Lion of the Senate. Anyone who was anyone attended his funeral. He was laid to rest in Arlington Cemetery. Not bad for a remorseless killer.

William Jefferson Clinton (I wonder if his name will be protested), the 42nd President of the United States has been accused rape and sexual assault for much of his career. Like so many famous men, he has denied these claims while paying settlements to make many of them go away. Rapey McPotus, at the age of 49, had an affair in the White House with a 23-year-old intern and then perjured himself in a court of law during a what? A lawsuit for his rape of another woman. This affair included oral sex while ordering a military bombing and a deeply disturbing misuse of a cigar. His wife went on to attack his accusers. What deep penalty did this savior of the Democrat party pay? Well, if he had an actual soul, he would have been humiliated publicly for months. That was not the case. He was only the second President impeached yet not removed from office. Instead he was censured. He went on to earn hundreds of millions of dollars for speeches to donors to his foundation.

hillary-harveyPoliticians are not the only members of the left moral aristocracy to display deeply disturbing behavior while suffering little to know consequences. The Hollywood elite are the darlings of the Democrat party as well as its major benefactors. The paragons of the Hollywood left bring a whole new level of depravity. Roman Polanski raped a 13-year-old girl, made a plea bargain and then fled the country. He has since be accused of rape no less than four times. Surely Hollywood would reject him! Nope, he has since made millions directing movies. He has been nominated for several Oscars and his movies have won eight. Actors from Johnny Depp to Whoopi Goldberg have defended him. When he was named Best Director at the Oscars he got a standing ovation. Woody Allen, Hollywood resident genus, married his girlfriend’s adopted daughter with whom he was having an affair. Sounds rather “Hollywood” right? Slight problem: Soon-Yi was a teenager when they started their affair. Further, he was, no doubt a father figure to her. He was also accused of sexual assault of his girlfriend’s son. What terrible price did he pay? Since the affair came to light he has made countless movies, been nominated for eight Oscars and won one. And our newest High Hollywood Hypocrite … Harvey Weinstein: facts are still coming out on this one. This much is clear: He is a sad pathetic man who got off on masturbating in front of those who were powerless before him, all the while extoling the virtues of the liberal elite and raising millions for them. How was he judged by the moral aristocracy? He wasn’t – for thirty years! Only now will we find out if he’ll pay any penalty.

These examples shine a spotlight, not only on depraved sick men but on the complete and pervasive hypocrisy of the left. Kennedy was lauded as a liberal god. Clinton is a democrat savior and great man. Polanski and Allen are creative geniuses and paragons of liberal virtue. Weinstein was a political and industry powerbroker until it caught up with him. And now all the woman, who railed against the President publicly are seen as brave for coming forward decades later after they have made their millions and, lest we forget, after so many others were allowed to suffer at his hand. Hillary, the political relic not the cow (ummm…), is the poster child for this hypocrisy. She did everything she could to destroy the lives of her husband-of-political-convenience’s accusers. Then she said all women’s allegations must be taken seriously. Then she attacked the women who accused her husband again while accusing Donald Trump of misogyny and male-evil. Then she stood as the defender of all women while feeling entitled to all their votes. All the while, she took money from her great friend Harvey who was a well know serial-sexual harasser.

“But Whiggy, certainly the republicans have their fair share of inappropriate behaviors?”

Very true. No one is without sin. This submission is not about the sin, but about the hypocrisy. Republicans are quick to discard of members, even leaders, when similar allegations come to light. Larry Craig was caught doing some unsavory things in a men’s room – He resigned. John Ensign resigned after admitting an affair. Chris Lee send pics to a woman on Craigslist, got caught and resigned. Herman Cain stopped running for President after allegations were made of sexual harassment. Denny Hastert, that sick bastard, was instantly shunned by Republicans once it came to light that he was a pedophile. Liberals surround each other with protection and excuses when they get caught. Conservatives either quit or are forced to walk the plank.

My mother used to say that she never trusted the words of anyone. “Only their actions tell the truth” she would say. The Moral Aristocracy spends an inordinate amount of time telling us all the proper way to live and think. Their words establish their stance at the top of the moral high ground. Their actions betray something far more sinister. They protect child rapists as long as they donate to their cause. They venerate men who use power to subjugate women sexually as long as they support the progressive cause. Their silence allows women to be continually victimized so they can continue to make money, get donations and claim power. They continue to criticize the behaviors of others, all the while setting a new standard for amorality. The have descended from the moral high ground to moral decrepitude. The only sin left in the liberal world is disagreement with their party line.

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Gun Toting Midgets Riding Chocolate Goats

Friends, let us begin with a small history lesson, shall we? A long long time ago, to the land where Ted Kennedy would later kill a woman and get away scott free and where Elizabeth Warren proclaimed her indigenous credentials, there came a revolution. Soon, thirteen colonies rose, took up arms and beat back their former rulers. Key to this revolution was the act of taking up arms. The revolutionaries understood that fact. So too did the Crown. In fact, one of the first things the crown tried to do as signs of unrest became evident was to confiscate arms and gun powder. The Crown recognized that, to keep power, they needed to be the only ones armed. You see where I am going here, right?

When it came time to create the new government of The United States of America, the founding fathers understood that the government could not be the only ones with guns. The second amendment was written specifically to make sure that did not happen. It was not written so people could hunt or sport shoot. It was not written for home defense against burglars, gangs or Antifa. It was written for the sole reason to make sure the citizens could never be made completely subservient to the military of the central government. In short, the constitution keeps the stage set for another revolution when a revolution is needed.

Now lets fast forward to the world in which we live today. Tragically we have a number of batsh@t crazy, radicalized and/or evil people in the wogun controlrld. From time to time those people commit horrifying crimes. In the United States, many of these crimes are committed using guns. All people of intelligence and with a good heart can agree that these crimes are terrible and must be stopped. Unfortunately, that is where the agreement ends. As to what needs to be done to stop them, there is no agreement and there is, indeed, deeply rooted disagreement.  The loudest faction likes to blame the guns themselves for hideous murders. They instantly call for gun control because we all know that laws are 100% effective. After all, look at how well they work when it comes to drugs!

Within hours of the Las Vegas tragedy, Hillary Clinton removed her head from her rectal cavity where she has been searching for What Happened long enough to essentially blame the NRA for making the shooting happen. Soon, everyone in Moral Aristocracy climbed upon their glass pedestals and sang in unison “Gun Control, Gun Control”. When asked what specific gun control idea would have stopped this attack many slipped off their pedestals until those pedestals became firmly entrenched beside Hillary’s head. Watching the news was like watching a two-year-old argue. (I am sorry. That was offensive to two-year-olds). The arguments they did make made no sense. There was no specificity. And I am pretty sure I watched three people on the floor kicking and screaming. Since none of them could offer specifics let’s explore some of the most common gun control ideas.

Back Ground Checks: Depending on who you listen to, somewhere between 85% and 132% of American believe that background checks need to be done before someone can purchase a gun. No doubt background checks would stop all gun-related crime. The moral aristocracy would have us believe that 40% of guns purchased legally in the US are bought without a background check. According to Politifact, that claim is false and the actual number is between 14% and 22%. Certainly, most gun-related crimes are committed by people who fall into that percentage.

Actually, when researchers asked convicted criminals where they got their guns, they found something that is certain to stun us all. They found, in separate studies, that only between 3% and 11% of guns used in crimes were obtained legally! Whoa! Mind blowing isn’t it? I mean, what kind of criminal would use an illegal gun? The nerve! The audacity! Where’s Hillary? It might be time to have all these criminals suicided for not fitting her narrative. Where’s Debbie? She can have them Seth Riched.

Continuing my “fun with gun math” segment, I will use the numbers that best fit the moral aristocracy’s story: Of the 11% of the people committing crimes using legal guns, 22% did not get a background check. Using that logic, in the worst-case scenario it would be somewhat fair to say that 2.42% of all crimes committed with guns are committed by people who skirted background checks by purchasing guns privately or at gun shows. How can there be any doubt that closing the “Gun Show Loophole” would solve all gun related crimes?

Oh wait, I forgot one last little tiny detail. The Las Vegas killer (who’s name I will not utter or type) had more than 30 background checks. They all came up clean.

None of this is to say that I do not believe in background checks personally. I do. But the fact of the matter is, ensuring the extra 2.42% get checked really wont accomplish a damn thing.

So, what have we learned about background checks? 1) Most gun purchases are made with them; 2) Most criminals don’t actually buy guns legally (I’m still in shock); 3) Even with a background check, crazy @ss evil morons still get through.

Mental Health: The moral aristocracy’s narrative goes something like this: “Our mental health system is broken because we don’t have national healthcare and because republicans are all racists. If everyone took a mind-numbing drug, got therapy 23 hours a day and had a designated governmental minder to hold their hands at all times, there would be no crime at all. Additionally, no one with any sort of mental disorder should be allowed to buy a gun.” I may have paraphrased a bit but I believe I have hit all the relevant points.

I have to be honest with you, friends. This one upsets Whiggy the most. It’s the last bit. The whole concept that anyone who had a mental disorder would not be permitted to purchase a gun. Where do I start? You all know I am a former psychologist. Anyone who would suggest such a thing has no concept, whatsoever, of how mental disorders are diagnosed or treated. Let’s start with the most basic question and then move to the more worrisome concepts.

Which mental disorders would lead one to have their second amendment right taken from them? For how long would they have to suffer from it? Would they be banned for life? For how long would they have to be in recovery or symptom free before they could have their second amendment rights back? Do certain behaviors need to be associated with the diagnosis or is the diagnosis itself enough? What severity of disorder symptoms would be needed? These questions are endless and could fill volumes. One final question: when exactly did the moral aristocracy decide it was ok to discriminate against someone based on a pre-existing medical condition? BOOM! Mic drop … how you like them apples you hypocritical @sshats?!

*Pics up mic … I’m not done yet.

The aspect of this concept that most concerns me is the complete and total surrender of personal privacy to the government. For the government to deny someone’s rights based midget with gunon a pre-existing medical condition, they must be made aware of said condition. Think about that for just a minute. This would get rid of the concept of clinical confidentiality. Your government would have to be made aware, not only of your condition, but of the details of your condition. Where does that end? What other rights could they deny you based on their assessment of your mental health. And further, how long would it be until Wikileaks publishes the notes about that dream you had of that midget riding the goat covered in chocolate toting an AR15 with a melted silencer? And there’s my title!

So, what have we learned about denying a person his/her second amendment rights due to a pre-existing medical condition? The answer is in the question.

(I know this is getting long, but it needs to be said. Go pour yourself a drink. I’ll wait. Back? Ok. Let’s continue)

Ban Assault weapons: A good friend of mine and Mrs. Whiggy has the unfortunate luck of suffering from liberalism. Before the Las Vegas shooting, he was over to our house for dinner. The conversation eventually came around to guns and the concept of an assault weapon ban. My dear intellectually-deficient friend knew his liberal talking points well.

“You don’t need a semi-automatic weapon with a 30-bullet clip to hunt deer. Why does anyone NEED an assault weapon?” He said with the smugness of Harvey Weinstein defending his Clinton BFFs.

“You are right,” I responded “I don’t need it to hunt deer. I need it to assure that anyone (citizen or government official) who enters my property with intent to hurt my family or steal my treasure does not leave my property with air in his lungs or thoughts of returning in his head.”

Silence. There was no response. There could be no response. All too often, those who defend the second amendment try to use logic based on the moral aristocracy’s code. Its time for that end. I agree with those on the left that claim that assault weapons are solely intended to kill people. YES, THEY ARE. And your point is? I do not hunt. I have no interest in hunting. I’m kind of a wuss and couldn’t imagine dealing with a dead bloody deer. Anything I may own is owned expressly to remove from the earth anyone meaning to hurt me, my family or my property. Period.

Oh … and by the way: According to the FBI, there were approximately 15,000 murders in the US in 2016. About 10,600 of those were committed using guns. Data is not available yet for 2016 but in 2014 about 70% of those guns were handguns. 2% involved rifles and assault weapons. Yes, that right. I said 2%.

And one more by the way: the constitution grants gun ownership as a right, not as a means of meeting a need and only if that need is present. Oh, and the intent was of the second amendment was to ensure that the citizenry could stay armed in case the need arises to defend against the government. So, there’s that.

So, what have we learned about an assault weapon ban? Like the whole Background Check red herring, banning assault weapons would impact approximately 2% of murders. Then there is that pesky little fact that the constitution makes gun ownership a right. A small side note: Neither health care nor education are mentioned as rights by the constitution yet gun ownership is. Interesting.

I could go on and on about other concerns such as magazine capacities, types of ammunition, types of sights, gun licensure and weapon modifications but I think I have gone on long enough.

I want to leave you with this thought: the deadliest domestic terrorist attack in the US involved a truck and tons of fertilizer and killed 168 people. Where there is a sick will, there is a sick way.

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Multi-Millionaire Defecation Nuggets on their Knees

Friends, as you know, I am a huge fan of the New England Patriots. I have been a fan of the New England Patriots for as long as I can remember. I look forward to the NFL every year as I struggle through the dark days of those other sports. I find baseball as boring as watching Al Gore speak on just about anything. The NBA lost its soul in the 90’s and are represented by the biggest snowflake of all, Lebron “My skills” James. The NHL is cool but it has been put through the snowflake filter resulting in a game of fluffy flag hockey. And the MLS is … well soccer.

I wait for the NFL all year long. I read everything I can on a weekly basis during the off-season. I even watched the CFL that one time. As an example of my level of obsession, I flew to Atlanta the Friday before the Superbowl in February for the express reason to jinx the Falcons because it had worked for the previous two years. Yup, I have that much of an issue.

Sunday afternoons during the NFL season are a time to abandon my children, ignore my friends and swear at my TV. My mother taught me that screaming at the TV is an effective way of making a difference. Oh crap! I think my mom may have been the original Antifa! The only thing I think is football. The only things I protest are bad calls against my beloved Pats (all the calls against them are bad). The only hate I have in my heart if for whatever team they are playing. And the Jets. I always hate the Jets. And Roger Goodell. But that goes without saying. I don’t think about politics. I don’t want to think about politics. I don’t want my pastor to talk about politics in church and I don’t want my team to talk about politics … ever.

And then along came Colin Kaepernick and cast a shadow over my day of beauty. Let’s examine him for a moment: He would want you to believe that, as a black man, he understands the plight of the oppressed. That poor man has been to hell and back all because of his skin is black (Pretty cool rhyme there huh?). Except he hasn’t. He was raised by an upper-middle class white family in Wisconsin before moving to California. He was always a great athlete and received all the respect and accolades that go with it. 20170924_153024No, he became a radical douche only after his career started collapsing. He, no doubt, has talent and athleticism, but like so many young QBs that lose in the Superbowl, he choked thereafter. After that loss, and the loss of a hard-ass coach that made the snowflakes cry, he fell apart. Only then did he decide to stand up for criminals who were shot by police (I’ll write about that concept at some point). The spoiled little snowflake decided that the best way to help his fellow oppressed was to kneel during the anthem and insult the very country that made his success possible. Soon he was joined by others, some of whom actually had experienced oppression but seemed to forget they live in a country where they get paid millions to play a game regardless of their color.

The press had epic multiple orgasms. Everyone forgot that Kaepernick choked as a player and could not be relied upon to help his team win. They did everything possible to keep the issue alive. When Kaepernick was not picked up by another team, they openly questioned if it had to do with his political stance. That poor man was a true martyr to his cause. Rosa Parks had nothing on him. Then the new season started and the whole thing started up again. Even 8-year-olds were taking a knee. They had no idea why, but their parents wanted to feel important.

Fast forward to this week. President Trump decided to shine his bright spotlight on the issue in a way only he could. Snowflakes everywhere had orgasmic-tantrums (a new term created by Whiggy – you are welcome). For the first time in history, the liberal moral aristocracy displayed full-throated support for …. The One Percent. Yup – they truly stand for what they believe in … this week.

Side note: I must be honest, I wish the President had not said anything in this case. As one of my very close friends stated “(the issue) was trending in a positive direction”. Very few players were kneeling. Kaepernick is sitting at home. Americans were not responding well to parents having their 8-year-olds kneel. The President brought the issue back into the brightest spotlight it has seen to date. One thing I learned in my long career working with children is that they best reaction to a tantrum is to lower your voice and speak to them so quietly that they must stop to hear you. Sometimes the best way to deal with the tantrum is to simply ignore it. You’d be surprised how well both of those tactics work. The President, while correct in his words, gave them the attention they needed to continue and even expand their little snowflake fit. The toddlers are kneeling today, not because of alleged police brutality or racism, but because they want to make a stand against Trump. Sometimes you just have to let the children scream it out. They’ll get tired, grab a bo-bo and take a nap. Back to the issue.

Today I am disappointed by the game I love to watch. The NFL owners, worried about losing money, chose the wrong side and chose it fast. Guess what billionaires? More of your customers support Trump and the American Flag than your unpatriotic spoiled brats. Then the games started. First up were the Jags and the Ravens. Many of these multi-millionaire spoiled rotten little defecation-nuggets (new term, feel free to use it to your delight) knelt during our anthem but stood during the British anthem. I wonder how quickly the President can expand on the travel-ban. I am sure they can all make their millions in Europe. Then the pre-game shows started. More millionaires paid to talk about sports throwing little tantrums. Is them afwaid them’s little friends may get them’s feewings hurt?

And then the “players show of unity” began for the 1:00 games. For those teams that stood with their arms interlocked, I say bravo. 20170924_153218Thank you for making your point while still showing respect for the flag. I am not sure what point you are making, but at least you are making it respectfully. By the way, do you know what point you are making?  For those who knelt (almost half of my own beloved team), you are a disgrace. Please take your millions and leave this country. I am sure you will all be able to find jobs in other countries with those degrees “you earned”. Then you can kneel in front of anyone you want. I am sure you can make money that way. You are replaceable. There are plenty of Americans who would work harder and appreciate the opportunity to make a fortune playing a game. For the Patriots that knelt, you are not worthy to wear the name.

“But Whiggy, this is America. We have freedom of speech. They have a right to kneel.” You are saying.

I agree. They have the right to kneel. They have the right to protest all they want. I have rights as well. I have the right to point out that they are whiny little defecation-nuggets. I have the right to turn off my TV. I have the right to boycott every company that advertises on the NFL. I have the right to organize a vagina march and burn down all NFL stadiums. Oh wait. I’m not a part of the liberal moral aristocracy, I don’t get to do that last part.

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Chuck and Nancy Topless with Liverwurst

Friends, from time to time Mrs. Whiggy asks me to do projects around the house.  Like all good lazy men, I agree to do as she asks and I show support for her ideas. I simply never specify when I’m going to do what she asks. Often, I need to gather more information, procure supplies and get more people to help. Now, I am not saying that I lie per se. I just use standard delay tactics emblematic of my gender. Uh oh, I think that makes me sexist. Hold on, I need to ask someone … OK, I am back. Apparently, I am not sexist because all negative stereotypes of men are acceptable. Whew, that was close. Where was I? That right, Mrs. Whiggy’s requests.

Well, Mrs. Whiggy is much smarter than am I. When she wants something done, it will get done. Earlier this summer I was very busy contemplating a project request by sitting on the deck with a nice scotch and a cigar. Onto the deck walks Giancarlo, the “handyman” Mrs. Wiggy hired to get that railing fixed. So that you get the full picture, let me describe Giancarlo to you. Firstly, he appears to be allergic to shirts. I have never scene him wear one. Congress has a higher approval level than Giancarlo has body fat. He has an annoyingly perfect tan. Mrs. Whiggy literally ironed my dress shirts on his stomach. Now my shirts smell of him … and the Mrs. requests I wear them everywhere! I mean seriously, you don’t run on the treadmill in a dress shirt! And don’t even ask me about his accent! I am pretty sure its not real. Even the dogs look at him longingly when he speaks to them.

The first time he came over to fix the railing I was annoyed. I was supposed to do things around the house. It is my house damn it! The next few times went too far. I was suspicious when Mrs. Whiggy started to watch him work, but I thought it went too far when she invited her friends over …and sold tickets … and asked me to make appetizers! Soon she started making plans with him for small fixes throughout the house. Then she started designing renovations and additions. Its when they designed a garage that I put a stop to it! I mean, no garage needs a knitting room!

I know what you are thinking “So, Whiggy, what did you do to stop it? Did you confront this Italian tool? Did you lay down the law?”

Well my friends, I am brilliant. Whiggy will always win! The solution was simple enough. I just started doing the projects by myself as soon as I was asked. Sometimes I even did them on my own without being asked! Whiggy shoots and scores! Finally, stuff is getting done around the house and Giancarlo is gone! Now if I can just get Mrs. Whiggy to remove his picture from her bedside table.

“So, Whiggy, you tell fabulous stories, but why did you tell us this one?”

Well, my friends. It’s because I think President Trump has learned a thing from Mrs. Whiggy. The Republican party, in which I claimed membership for more than 25 years have been telling us all since the Obamination took office that they would get rid of Obamacare, secure our borders and cut taxes if ever they were in charge of all three branches of government. Well, guess what? They have been in charge since January and have accomplished approximately nothing except try to avoid looking to be too close to the president. The petty little factions of the GOP have been sitting around sipping scotch and smoking cigars on their own figurative decks. The President has asked them to put together legislation that he could sign …. Nothing. The spineless imps who all signed legislation when they knew President Obama would veto it have now been running for cover under the guise of it not being EXACTLY what they want. I used the same excuse with Mrs. Whiggy. “I don’t know exactly what I want the basement to look like when its done, so I can’t do anything yet.” Like Mrs. Whiggy, Trump has brought in his own version of Giancarlo in the form of Chuck and Nancy. Lets just hope neither of them take off their shirts!

Its funny how quickly the Republicans, led by Paul Ryan and his vapor thin convictions, suddenly appeared behind every podium and in front of every camera to discuss how willing they are to work to get something done. Three leaders from each party joined the President for dinner. I doubt much was accomplished since, not long after, he invited Chuck and Nancy over for Chinese food (racists!) by themselves. The rumors from that were that they had all agreed on a deal about DACA. Uh Oh! Now the Republicans are afraid that President Trump will sell-out completely. While I doubt that will happen, he is a master negotiator after all, perhaps it will get the Republicans to get off their @sses, work together and actually get something done closer to what they want and not what the minority wants.

Here’s the deal: Like Mrs. Whiggy, President Trump wants to get something done. Period. He may not get exactly what he wants or exactly what he thought he could promise, but it will be something and that something will still be better than what Obama left. He understands that he cannot get precisely what he wants. He literally wrote the book on making deals. The toddler-like republicans fighting over how they want their Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches prepared haven’t figured that out yet. If they don’t soon they are about to be served liverwurst served by a topless Chuck and Nancy. No one wants to see that!

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Mini-Whiggy Questions DACA

Mini-Whiggy came home yesterday with a question:

“Dada, what is daka, or deca or dacow?” he queried.

I smiled at his innocence, patted him on the head and started to explain.

“Well, Mini-Whiggy Dachau was a place during World War II where Hitler sent people to be killed because he was an evil man. But you mean DACA. Although, lots of crazy people want to pretend they are the same thing.”

“You mean liberals?” he asked. God, I love that kid!

“Yes buddy, liberals. DACA is kinda hard to explain though. I am not sure you’ll understand.”

“Dada, I am pretty smart. I taught you and Mama how to use Minecraft.”

“Good point. Ok. So, you know that our government has three parts that we call branches. They each have their own chores. The Legislative Branch is made up of the House and the Senate. Their chore is to make laws. The Executive Branch is made up of the President, the Vice President and a bunch of people who work for the President. Their chore is to carryout laws. They make up the rules for how to make people follow the laws. Then there is the Judicial branch.  It is made up of the Supreme Court and a bunch of other judges. Their chore is to interpret laws and …”

Branches_US_gov“Ummm. I know all this already. Remember you used to read me the constitution every night when I was three?” he interrupted.

“I am sorry Buddy,” I apologized, “Sometimes I forget that, even though you are only seven, you are smarter than a lot of people”

“You mean liberals?”

“Yes buddy. So, back to DACA. A long time ago Congress passed laws about how people are allowed to move to the United States. They made a bunch of rules that people had to follow. If they followed those rules, they could come to the United States and someday become Americans.” I explained. “Then, our last President …”

“You mean Obama?”

“Yes …” I replied.

“Remember that time when people said he could be President again and you cried, and drank lots of your adult juice and told me all about how some people could fit their heads in their butts? That was funny.” He added giggling.

“Yes. Yes, I do remember that. But let me explain more” I said, “So, Obama decided that he didn’t like parts of the law. Then he told the people who work for him to make new rules that would ignore part of the law for a little while.”

“Why did he do that Dada?” He asked.

“Well, for a few reasons.” I began to explain “First, Obama liked to make everything about what color people were because it helped him get lots of votes. It also got lots of people who think like him lots of votes too.”

“You mean puppets?” Damn, this kid is awesome!

“Yes. But they like to call themselves Democrats or even Progressives…”

“You mean like Flo on TV? She is funny.”

“No. That’s a different Progressive. So anyway, there was an election coming and Obama wanted to help more people who think like him get elected. By ignoring parts of the law, he thought he could make lots of people happy and they would vote for his friends. Second, even though he pretended to be a teacher of the Constitution, didn’t really understand it. He thought the President was a king and could do whatever he wanted. Third, Obama hated America the way it was. He wanted to make a new America.”

“What kind of America did he want?” He asked with rapt attention.

“Oh buddy,” I explained with the care and compassion only a dad can know, “You are not old enough for that part of the story. It is very scary and you need to be able to sleep tonight.”

“OK, Dada.” He conceded “So why is everyone so mad now about DACA. Teacher was crying in school.”

“Well Mini-Whiggy, yesterday President Trump …”

“Remember when people made him president and you laughed and laughed so hard that you peed? That was funny and gross.” He reminded me.

“Yes, it was.” I started my explanation again. “Yesterday President Trump told the people who worked for him that they have to follow the law. Because some people don’t like the law, he gave Congress six months to make a new law if they want to.”

“Wow!” He exclaimed “Six months is a long time. In six months, I will be 8 years-old and the Patriots will have another Superbowl Trophy.”

“That’s very true! But, Congress spends so much time stealing money from people and calling the President names that getting anything done in six months may be impossible.”

“So” He began to summarize, “Congress made a law that people are supposed to listen to. President Obama didn’t like the law so he ignored parts of it. Then President Trump told people they have to follow the law or make a new one. Now lots of people are mad that they have to follow a law that they were supposed to follow anyway?”

“Yup.” I agreed. See the seven year old gets it!

“That’s stupid.” He stated plainly with the wisdom of Socrates.

“Yes, it is Little Man. Yes, it is.”

“Dada, I have one more question. Why are you calling me Mini-Whiggy?”

“Because this is a blog. Its not a real conversation. It’s make believe.”

“Oh” he said, “Like liberal tolerance?”

“Yes buddy. Exactly like liberal tolerance.” I have the greatest kid in the world.