Tag: Trump

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Whiggy is back and the Sky is Still There!

Friends, I know its been a long time. Before I begin I must thank you all for your heartfelt messages and that search party you sent to find me. Many people were lost in that search and I will never forget their sacrifice. What? Oh no … I don’t mean they were killed. I mean they were literally lost. But come-on! Did you really think the best way to find me was a pub crawl in Glastonbury? I don’t even live there! I live on a completely different continent! I give you credit for the pub crawl idea (I’ve been known to occasionally attend a pub function or two) but at least search within 2000 miles of my last known location!

I am sure you have wondered where I have been. Friends, after watching, listening to and reading CNN, MSNBC, NBC, CBS, ABC, PBS, NPR, The New York Times, USA Today, the Douche Bsky fallingag Gazette (sorry I already mentioned The New York Times) and my local supermarket flyer, I decided that I had to protect myself and my family from disaster. These wonderful and completely unbiased organizations made it clear that the sky was falling. Now Whiggy isn’t a genius, but he can do basic math. If 14,363 out of 14,366 new organizations say the sky is falling, then the sky is obviously falling. I mean, that many people can’t be wrong!

So, I took myself, my family, the dogs, the cat, the fish, the damn bird, and our survival supplies and moved into a bunker. We cut ourselves off from all news and social media because I knew I wouldn’t be able handle watching the sky fall upon the world. It would be better to just let the world end. Eventually we would return to the ruins and try to rebuild. Well, eventually came pretty quickly. Have you ever spent months alone with your family in a single room without TV and only Hillary’s book for entertainment? At first things were great, we had fantastic conversations, we shared the Whiggy family history, we played Rummy 3 million, we ate the bird and we shared laughter when Hilllary told us “What Happened”.  Her book is hilarious (see what I did there?) the first few times you read it, but eventually it causes signs of the stigmata on anyone touching it for prolonged periods of time. Yes, things were great to begin, all stigmata aside, but then tragedy struck! We ran out of scotch and cigars! Death be damned, we had to return to the world, assess the damages, start rebuilding … and get new scotch and cigars.

When we returned to the world, we were stunned by what we found. Friends, the sky was still there! Not only was it there but it was blue and the sun was shining. We thought perhaps we had all died and gone to heaven. But, since we were still out of scotch and cigars, I knew we were not in heaven. Something was wrong.

We held a quick family meeting to plan and prioritize. While I ran out for scotch and cigars, the family moved everything up from the bunker, cleaned the house, bought food, watched the news, logged into social media, researched the past few months and put together a 45-minute Powerpoint presentation with no damn animation! I returned two days later to attend the presentation. Here are some of their findings:

 

  • The moral aristocracy warned that Trump was racist and sexist. They said he would create policies that would hurt minorities and women. But the Whiggy researchers found that the unemployment rate is below 4% for the first time since 2000. Black unemployment is at its lowest rate in recorded history as is the Latino unemployment rate. The female unemployment rate is the lowest since 2000. But … but …I thought Trump was a racist, sexist misogynistic puppy eating Hitler. Why would he make policies that would help people he hated? Surely this was an anomaly.
  • The moral aristocracy warned that Trump would ruin the US economy and, that in turn, would ruin the world economy. The US economy grew nearly 3% in Q4 and 2.3% in Q1. These numbers aren’t spectacular, but they are showing growth and are far from ruining the economy. Consumer confidence is skyrocketing. Production is up. The stock market is up. Unemployment is down and millions of jobs have been created. Oh, and the US showed the largest one-month tax surplus in history in April. I’m so confused. I guess Trump just got lucky …twice.
  • The moral aristocracy warned that Trump dropping the TPP, renegotiating NAFTA and placing tariffs on Chinese goods would cause a trade war and thus ruin the economy. Oddly, in March, the trade deficit fell slightly in March, exports were up 2% and imports were down 1.8%. Canada and Mexico have both said they feel like negotiations on NAFTA are going well. China, while in a “mine is bigger than yours” contest with the US, are not putting tariffs on anything of vital importance. In other words, they are fighting this “trade war” the way the French fight all wars … limply with bad accents. But, since we know the media and liberals are smarter than us, maybe the world-wide economic collapse caused my Trump is just delayed.

 

OK, so maybe the moral aristocracy got a couple of things wrong in terms of the economy. Or maybe the doom they foretold is just delayed. They have made ever-so-slight, barely noticeable time-line miscalculations before. Just look at the Global Climate Greenhouse Warming Change debate. According to renowned and unquestioned genius Al Gore, we should all be underwater and simultaneously on fire right now. No doubt he was right … but only off by a few thousand millennia… or maybe he was thinking of Mars. Either way, the science is settled.

“But Whiggy,” you say, “Certainly, the moral aristocracy would not make the same sort of honest mistakes about anything else.”

Oh friends … the Whiggy researchers also looked into the claims of impending nuclear war, one of the main reasons for our bunker vacation. They found the following:

  • The moral aristocracy made it clear that President Trump would cause a nuclear war by moving away from the policy of Bend-Overs and Reach-Arounds with North Korea utilized by previous administrations. According to the moral aristocracy: The North Koreans would use their huge arsenal to really really hurt our left shin; The Chinese would support their bestest little brother and send an army of samurai against us with swords made of high quality Chinese steel; Russia would ally with the Chinese (even though all Russians are really super-secret-BFFs with Trump) and launch their modern 1987 military juggernaut against us; Our allies would abandon us; and the French would surrender to Vermont. It is the fear of this great war that sent the Whiggy clan deep into our bunker. You can imagine my shock when I found out that the Koreas agreed to start the proceeding to formally end their 68-year war, Kim Jong Un released 3 American prisoners and Trump and Kim Jong Un will be meeting to discuss de-nuclearization, hot chicks and the future North Korean McDonalds franchises. There was no word on to whom the French had surrendered. When Mini-Whiggy reached out for comment, the French immediately surrendered. Mini-Whiggy is now the King of France.
  • The moral aristocracy also claimed that President Trump’s tough talk about ending the Iranian nuclear deal would instantly hand Iran a nuke and turn all our allies against us. The moment he signed the documenting removing US support from the Iran Nuclear Deal, Chuck Schumer, who never supported the deal, stated that it would make the North Korean negotiations much harder. Hours later, the North Koreans released 3 American prisoners into the custody of the Secretary of State. Imagine if it would have been easy?! In fairness, most of our allies are throwing tantrums at the moment. Perhaps the liberals and media will get this one right and they’ll go it on their own. It worked well for them during WWI and WWII … oh wait.

Ok, so, they were wrong about the economy and WWIII, but surely the sky still fell a little. I don’t want to think I cashed my retirement in for 3 tons of rice and beans for no reason at all! Mrs. Whiggy was not impressed. Luckily, she hasn’t checked hers since we returned … she doesn’t even like chickens … or goats …

  • I called my best friend. He is gay and claimed, upon the election of President Trump, that Trump would restrict his civil rights and Pence would put him into a re-education camp to cure his homosexuality. Surely those things have happened…Nope. The only thing he had to complain about was Trump banning Transsexuals from the military. “Dude, are you Trans?” I asked him. Nope. “Do you want to be in the military?” Nope. “Do you know anyone who is trans and wants to be in the military?” Nope. “How long has the military allowed the trans?” No idea. “Then why the hell do you care?” “Because Trump is homophobic.” My head hurt. I put down the phone and walked away. That was 4 hours ago. I think I can still hear him complaining.
  • The moral aristocracy foretold of Hispanics and blacks being round up and put into jails for no reason. Civil rights would be set back “hundreds of years”. So far, no such round-up has been held. In fact, the President’s approval rating from both groups have been rising at a greater rate than among all other groups.
  • The moral aristocracy stated unequivocally that the Trump campaign colluded with the Russians to tell the truth about Hillary and the DNC and to put out fake news on FB and Twitter to fool moronic Americans into voting against Hillary. They had no doubt that Trump would not last a year. He was most definitely going to be impeached and then, due to some sort of voodoo, Hillary would be named President. Apparently he is still President and Hillary is still on her comedy tour promoting her book.

 

Friends, Whiggy is confused and a little embarrassed, not to mention, I have no idea how to explain to Mrs Whiggy why we own a refurbished Hungarian tank from WWII. Not only has the sky not fallen, but things seem to be going pretty damn well. I have to go check CNN to see why things are going so well. They must be embarrassed that they got things so wrong

bunker

OH MY GOD! I JUST WATCHED 10 MINUTES OF CNN …THE SKY IS FALLING! BACK TO THE BUNKER!

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Whiggy Dreams of Mueller

Friends, let me tell you about a dream I had last night (no, not that kind of dream! What are you, a Hollywood producer?):

In my dream, there was an African American (Rebel Ricky) accused of industrial espionage. The allegations against him stated that he worked with a competitor (Soviet Sales) to undercut and destroy another competitor (She Devil, Inc.) by manipulating customers with false advertisement. Because this alleged crime crossed state and international borders, the FBI got involved with the investigation. In fact, a special investigative team was put together to examine this alleged crime. She Devil, Inc. had a very close, if not incestuous, relationship with the US media. Most of the media were stock holders in She Devil, Inc. and many created a church based on its mystical powers of invulnerability. It was clear to many of She Devil’s followers that it had God like powers. She Devil products had the ability to make otherwise intelligent people into blathering idiots. She Devil products had the power of invisibility. Huge swaths of customers could not see the damage done by its products. She Devil products could kill people and make the police and customers see the deaths as suicide and botched robberies. She Devil products made the media, henceforth referred to as JJEN (Judge, Jury and Executioner News), intellectually masturbate on screen all the while claiming neutrality. Their products truly were God like in the tradition of Jim Jones and Marshall Applewhite.

When asked what crimes were being investigated, the FBI stated that they were looking at collusion between Rebel Ricky, Inc. and Soviet Sales. When asked if there was any evidence of collusion, the FBI stated that there was none but, since She Devil, Inc. lost a major government contract, there must have been something illegal going on. A spokesperson for She Devil, Inc. stated the lack of evidence is precisely why an investigation was needed. JJEN claimed Rebel Ricky’s guilt from the start. 127.6% of coverage was negative against Rebel Ricky. They claimed his products were evil going as far as saying they raped goats and ate babies. Additionally, a subsidiary of She Devil, Inc hired a monkey to sit in a room in Moscow and throw feces at a wall covered with various salacious behaviors.  A group of college students wearing black Gucci torn clothing took a break from burning buildings and went into the room to write down each behavior. Using the list, they alleged Rebel Ricky had performed all these behaviors and then called it a Dossier. That Dossier was given to the FBI by a man, known as the Ancient One, who was passed over for the CEO position for which Ricky was appointed. The FBI used that Dossier as justification to perform anal cavity searches on all Rebel Ricky’s customers.

The FBI put together a Dream Team investigative unit sparing no expense. Of the 476 investigators they hired, 475 of them were customers and true-followers of She Devil, Inc. In a show of balance, one person on the team purchased one of Rebel Ricky’s products that one time…as a gift…for a secret Santa tradition…for a co-worker he hated. JJEN instantly claimed the team to be unbiased. I mean, they did have that one dude. The team worked hard to investigate every orifice of anyone who had ever worked with Soviet Sales, knew anyone related to Soviet Sales, read the name Soviet Sales, knew anyone who read the name Soviet Sales, read an article by JJEN about Soviet Sales or used two words in a row that began with the letter “S”. After 17 years of investigation two people had been indicted. One was indicted for taking three pennies from the Leave-a-Penny-Take-a-Penny tray at the 7-11 in 1987. Another was indicted for lying to the FBI about ordering a Coke at lunch. He had actually ordered a Pepsi …a Diet Pepsi. He is expected to be executed by She Devil, Inc. within the next few weeks.

JJEN did its part to help the investigation by being unbiased in there reporting. They had no biases when it came to making allegations. They gave full time to any allegation regardless of how ridiculous it was. In one week they had to retract 3 separate allegations on which they spent 47 straight hours reporting. Perhaps they should have better vetted their sources. I mean, no one ever believed Rebel Ricky could have kept an apartment in the anal cavity of the CEO of Soviet Sales. He is a pretty tall guy.

While no one seemed to care that the investigative team were major stockholders in She Devil, Inc., things started to go poorly for the investigation once a few minor details came to light. One investigator regularly had lunch with an executive from She Devil, Inc. I’m not sure there is a problem there. I mean, he is a stock holder.  Also, his wife worked for the subsidiary that created the Dossier. JJEN justified this relationship by saying …well …nothing. The nothing became harder to maintain when it was reported elsewhere that two of the investigators exchanged texts in which they said something about a meeting with an FBI executive about ensuring that no one bought Rebel Ricky’s products or sabotaging them if they do. Oh, and then there is the part where one of those investigators was responsible for an interview with She Devil, Inc. for an unrelated crime that was made to go away by She Devil, Inc’s mystical invisibility powers. Oh, and that same person is the one who interviewed the executive who lied about Pepsi … DIET Pepsi. Oh, and that same investigator also changed the wording on a report about She Devil, Inc’s alleged crime form “guilty as all hell” to “saint-like mistake due to stress of sexism”. Oh, and that same investigator texted the woman with whom he was having an affair, another investigator, calling Rebel Ricky the “N” word!

Friends, in the world of this dream, fairness and justice always prevails. JJEN, jolted by the use of the “N” word, started to look a little deeper into the investigation. They began to notice subtle hints of bias and unfairness. Clearly an investigator should not have a bias against those whom they investigate. They remembered the OJ trial. They remembered how a jury decided that a detective who once used the “N” word must have been biased and therefore could not be trusted. They started to understand how a Dossier paid for by Rebel Ricky’s competitor may not be the most trustworthy document. Therefore, they began to muse, perhaps the investigation on which it was built was not legitimate. And in an epiphany of biblical proportions, they began to think that perhaps …just maybe…they should not chose sides. Perhaps…just maybe…they should be fair in their reporting.

In this wonderful dream world, I saw an anchor from JJEN stand before the American people and say the following: “My fellow Americans, we are sorry. We were wron…” ERNT ERNT ERNT

My damn alarm!

Perhaps it wasn’t a dream?

I turned on the news: “Trump drinks 27 Diet Cokes a day and eats the hearts of orphan transgendered undocumented visitors.”

DAMN IT! Time to go back to sleep.

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Thankful to be Whiggy

Friends, it is common practice to think about what we are thankful for on this day. I am no different … well I am, but not when it comes to this! I hope you will indulge me in a little Whiggy Time:

I am thankful for my three amazing children. They never cease to amaze me with their accomplishments, their drive, their hearts, and their ability to think for themselves and see through the liberal curtain thrown over their heads every day. They are loving, thoughtful, caring, positive, talented and independent. No father has been more blessed than I.

I am thankful for Mrs. Whiggy. No husband can be prouder of his wife. Her accomplishments are beyond measure, yet she has remained humble throughout. She is my best friend, my partner, my biggest pain in the butt (don’t tell her) and the love of my life. I know I do not deserve her, but I strive to be a better husband and person everyday just to get a little closer to deserving.

I am thankful for the opportunity to write this blog. I cannot tell you the thrill I get from the positive feedback. Even from some of the not so positive feedback. I love being me, being honest and being ever so slightly a wise-@ss. I have stopped political conversations on Facebook for many reasons (Please share on Facebook). Here I get to say what needs to be said without fear of retribution or losing fake friends.

I am thankful for a job that allows me to support my family comfortably as well as pay for two kids in college all the while contributing something to society in a positive way. Every day I know that I am doing good for the world.

I am thankful that I have so many friends who are willing to engage in friendly political debate without getting personal. I am especially thankful for my many liberal friends who, while wrong in every way, make concerted efforts to back-up their arguments in an intelligent and informed manner.

I am saddened that both of my parents have passed but I am undyingly thankful and grateful that they saved me from a world of abuse, pain, neglect and rejection when they adopted me as an 11-year-old. They taught me to love, to forgive and to take responsibility when warranted. My mother taught me to swear at the TV during sports because it helps. My father taught me to swear and throw things when building/fixing things because it helps as well. They were not perfect, but they were perfectly what I needed.

I am thankful for the tumultuous childhood I had. I would not wish my experiences on my worse enemy, but I would not change any of it. Not the physical, sexual and mental abuse, not the neglect and malnourishment as a baby and not the abandonment. Those things made me who I am. I learned who I was and who I never wanted to be. Those experiences gave my children a better father and my wife a better husband.

I am thankful that I was wrong about Donald Trump. While I still am not the biggest fan of HOW he does things, I am a big fan of what he is doing. I love having a President again, who loves our country and wants to tear down the moral aristocracy.

Finally, I am thankful to have been born in this great country. I have been blessed to see the very worst we have to offer and the very best. These things have made me appreciate everything we have to offer. A day does not go by that I do not thank the Lord that I am an American.

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Multi-Millionaire Defecation Nuggets on their Knees

Friends, as you know, I am a huge fan of the New England Patriots. I have been a fan of the New England Patriots for as long as I can remember. I look forward to the NFL every year as I struggle through the dark days of those other sports. I find baseball as boring as watching Al Gore speak on just about anything. The NBA lost its soul in the 90’s and are represented by the biggest snowflake of all, Lebron “My skills” James. The NHL is cool but it has been put through the snowflake filter resulting in a game of fluffy flag hockey. And the MLS is … well soccer.

I wait for the NFL all year long. I read everything I can on a weekly basis during the off-season. I even watched the CFL that one time. As an example of my level of obsession, I flew to Atlanta the Friday before the Superbowl in February for the express reason to jinx the Falcons because it had worked for the previous two years. Yup, I have that much of an issue.

Sunday afternoons during the NFL season are a time to abandon my children, ignore my friends and swear at my TV. My mother taught me that screaming at the TV is an effective way of making a difference. Oh crap! I think my mom may have been the original Antifa! The only thing I think is football. The only things I protest are bad calls against my beloved Pats (all the calls against them are bad). The only hate I have in my heart if for whatever team they are playing. And the Jets. I always hate the Jets. And Roger Goodell. But that goes without saying. I don’t think about politics. I don’t want to think about politics. I don’t want my pastor to talk about politics in church and I don’t want my team to talk about politics … ever.

And then along came Colin Kaepernick and cast a shadow over my day of beauty. Let’s examine him for a moment: He would want you to believe that, as a black man, he understands the plight of the oppressed. That poor man has been to hell and back all because of his skin is black (Pretty cool rhyme there huh?). Except he hasn’t. He was raised by an upper-middle class white family in Wisconsin before moving to California. He was always a great athlete and received all the respect and accolades that go with it. 20170924_153024No, he became a radical douche only after his career started collapsing. He, no doubt, has talent and athleticism, but like so many young QBs that lose in the Superbowl, he choked thereafter. After that loss, and the loss of a hard-ass coach that made the snowflakes cry, he fell apart. Only then did he decide to stand up for criminals who were shot by police (I’ll write about that concept at some point). The spoiled little snowflake decided that the best way to help his fellow oppressed was to kneel during the anthem and insult the very country that made his success possible. Soon he was joined by others, some of whom actually had experienced oppression but seemed to forget they live in a country where they get paid millions to play a game regardless of their color.

The press had epic multiple orgasms. Everyone forgot that Kaepernick choked as a player and could not be relied upon to help his team win. They did everything possible to keep the issue alive. When Kaepernick was not picked up by another team, they openly questioned if it had to do with his political stance. That poor man was a true martyr to his cause. Rosa Parks had nothing on him. Then the new season started and the whole thing started up again. Even 8-year-olds were taking a knee. They had no idea why, but their parents wanted to feel important.

Fast forward to this week. President Trump decided to shine his bright spotlight on the issue in a way only he could. Snowflakes everywhere had orgasmic-tantrums (a new term created by Whiggy – you are welcome). For the first time in history, the liberal moral aristocracy displayed full-throated support for …. The One Percent. Yup – they truly stand for what they believe in … this week.

Side note: I must be honest, I wish the President had not said anything in this case. As one of my very close friends stated “(the issue) was trending in a positive direction”. Very few players were kneeling. Kaepernick is sitting at home. Americans were not responding well to parents having their 8-year-olds kneel. The President brought the issue back into the brightest spotlight it has seen to date. One thing I learned in my long career working with children is that they best reaction to a tantrum is to lower your voice and speak to them so quietly that they must stop to hear you. Sometimes the best way to deal with the tantrum is to simply ignore it. You’d be surprised how well both of those tactics work. The President, while correct in his words, gave them the attention they needed to continue and even expand their little snowflake fit. The toddlers are kneeling today, not because of alleged police brutality or racism, but because they want to make a stand against Trump. Sometimes you just have to let the children scream it out. They’ll get tired, grab a bo-bo and take a nap. Back to the issue.

Today I am disappointed by the game I love to watch. The NFL owners, worried about losing money, chose the wrong side and chose it fast. Guess what billionaires? More of your customers support Trump and the American Flag than your unpatriotic spoiled brats. Then the games started. First up were the Jags and the Ravens. Many of these multi-millionaire spoiled rotten little defecation-nuggets (new term, feel free to use it to your delight) knelt during our anthem but stood during the British anthem. I wonder how quickly the President can expand on the travel-ban. I am sure they can all make their millions in Europe. Then the pre-game shows started. More millionaires paid to talk about sports throwing little tantrums. Is them afwaid them’s little friends may get them’s feewings hurt?

And then the “players show of unity” began for the 1:00 games. For those teams that stood with their arms interlocked, I say bravo. 20170924_153218Thank you for making your point while still showing respect for the flag. I am not sure what point you are making, but at least you are making it respectfully. By the way, do you know what point you are making?  For those who knelt (almost half of my own beloved team), you are a disgrace. Please take your millions and leave this country. I am sure you will all be able to find jobs in other countries with those degrees “you earned”. Then you can kneel in front of anyone you want. I am sure you can make money that way. You are replaceable. There are plenty of Americans who would work harder and appreciate the opportunity to make a fortune playing a game. For the Patriots that knelt, you are not worthy to wear the name.

“But Whiggy, this is America. We have freedom of speech. They have a right to kneel.” You are saying.

I agree. They have the right to kneel. They have the right to protest all they want. I have rights as well. I have the right to point out that they are whiny little defecation-nuggets. I have the right to turn off my TV. I have the right to boycott every company that advertises on the NFL. I have the right to organize a vagina march and burn down all NFL stadiums. Oh wait. I’m not a part of the liberal moral aristocracy, I don’t get to do that last part.

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Chuck and Nancy Topless with Liverwurst

Friends, from time to time Mrs. Whiggy asks me to do projects around the house.  Like all good lazy men, I agree to do as she asks and I show support for her ideas. I simply never specify when I’m going to do what she asks. Often, I need to gather more information, procure supplies and get more people to help. Now, I am not saying that I lie per se. I just use standard delay tactics emblematic of my gender. Uh oh, I think that makes me sexist. Hold on, I need to ask someone … OK, I am back. Apparently, I am not sexist because all negative stereotypes of men are acceptable. Whew, that was close. Where was I? That right, Mrs. Whiggy’s requests.

Well, Mrs. Whiggy is much smarter than am I. When she wants something done, it will get done. Earlier this summer I was very busy contemplating a project request by sitting on the deck with a nice scotch and a cigar. Onto the deck walks Giancarlo, the “handyman” Mrs. Wiggy hired to get that railing fixed. So that you get the full picture, let me describe Giancarlo to you. Firstly, he appears to be allergic to shirts. I have never scene him wear one. Congress has a higher approval level than Giancarlo has body fat. He has an annoyingly perfect tan. Mrs. Whiggy literally ironed my dress shirts on his stomach. Now my shirts smell of him … and the Mrs. requests I wear them everywhere! I mean seriously, you don’t run on the treadmill in a dress shirt! And don’t even ask me about his accent! I am pretty sure its not real. Even the dogs look at him longingly when he speaks to them.

The first time he came over to fix the railing I was annoyed. I was supposed to do things around the house. It is my house damn it! The next few times went too far. I was suspicious when Mrs. Whiggy started to watch him work, but I thought it went too far when she invited her friends over …and sold tickets … and asked me to make appetizers! Soon she started making plans with him for small fixes throughout the house. Then she started designing renovations and additions. Its when they designed a garage that I put a stop to it! I mean, no garage needs a knitting room!

I know what you are thinking “So, Whiggy, what did you do to stop it? Did you confront this Italian tool? Did you lay down the law?”

Well my friends, I am brilliant. Whiggy will always win! The solution was simple enough. I just started doing the projects by myself as soon as I was asked. Sometimes I even did them on my own without being asked! Whiggy shoots and scores! Finally, stuff is getting done around the house and Giancarlo is gone! Now if I can just get Mrs. Whiggy to remove his picture from her bedside table.

“So, Whiggy, you tell fabulous stories, but why did you tell us this one?”

Well, my friends. It’s because I think President Trump has learned a thing from Mrs. Whiggy. The Republican party, in which I claimed membership for more than 25 years have been telling us all since the Obamination took office that they would get rid of Obamacare, secure our borders and cut taxes if ever they were in charge of all three branches of government. Well, guess what? They have been in charge since January and have accomplished approximately nothing except try to avoid looking to be too close to the president. The petty little factions of the GOP have been sitting around sipping scotch and smoking cigars on their own figurative decks. The President has asked them to put together legislation that he could sign …. Nothing. The spineless imps who all signed legislation when they knew President Obama would veto it have now been running for cover under the guise of it not being EXACTLY what they want. I used the same excuse with Mrs. Whiggy. “I don’t know exactly what I want the basement to look like when its done, so I can’t do anything yet.” Like Mrs. Whiggy, Trump has brought in his own version of Giancarlo in the form of Chuck and Nancy. Lets just hope neither of them take off their shirts!

Its funny how quickly the Republicans, led by Paul Ryan and his vapor thin convictions, suddenly appeared behind every podium and in front of every camera to discuss how willing they are to work to get something done. Three leaders from each party joined the President for dinner. I doubt much was accomplished since, not long after, he invited Chuck and Nancy over for Chinese food (racists!) by themselves. The rumors from that were that they had all agreed on a deal about DACA. Uh Oh! Now the Republicans are afraid that President Trump will sell-out completely. While I doubt that will happen, he is a master negotiator after all, perhaps it will get the Republicans to get off their @sses, work together and actually get something done closer to what they want and not what the minority wants.

Here’s the deal: Like Mrs. Whiggy, President Trump wants to get something done. Period. He may not get exactly what he wants or exactly what he thought he could promise, but it will be something and that something will still be better than what Obama left. He understands that he cannot get precisely what he wants. He literally wrote the book on making deals. The toddler-like republicans fighting over how they want their Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches prepared haven’t figured that out yet. If they don’t soon they are about to be served liverwurst served by a topless Chuck and Nancy. No one wants to see that!

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Mini-Whiggy Questions DACA

Mini-Whiggy came home yesterday with a question:

“Dada, what is daka, or deca or dacow?” he queried.

I smiled at his innocence, patted him on the head and started to explain.

“Well, Mini-Whiggy Dachau was a place during World War II where Hitler sent people to be killed because he was an evil man. But you mean DACA. Although, lots of crazy people want to pretend they are the same thing.”

“You mean liberals?” he asked. God, I love that kid!

“Yes buddy, liberals. DACA is kinda hard to explain though. I am not sure you’ll understand.”

“Dada, I am pretty smart. I taught you and Mama how to use Minecraft.”

“Good point. Ok. So, you know that our government has three parts that we call branches. They each have their own chores. The Legislative Branch is made up of the House and the Senate. Their chore is to make laws. The Executive Branch is made up of the President, the Vice President and a bunch of people who work for the President. Their chore is to carryout laws. They make up the rules for how to make people follow the laws. Then there is the Judicial branch.  It is made up of the Supreme Court and a bunch of other judges. Their chore is to interpret laws and …”

Branches_US_gov“Ummm. I know all this already. Remember you used to read me the constitution every night when I was three?” he interrupted.

“I am sorry Buddy,” I apologized, “Sometimes I forget that, even though you are only seven, you are smarter than a lot of people”

“You mean liberals?”

“Yes buddy. So, back to DACA. A long time ago Congress passed laws about how people are allowed to move to the United States. They made a bunch of rules that people had to follow. If they followed those rules, they could come to the United States and someday become Americans.” I explained. “Then, our last President …”

“You mean Obama?”

“Yes …” I replied.

“Remember that time when people said he could be President again and you cried, and drank lots of your adult juice and told me all about how some people could fit their heads in their butts? That was funny.” He added giggling.

“Yes. Yes, I do remember that. But let me explain more” I said, “So, Obama decided that he didn’t like parts of the law. Then he told the people who work for him to make new rules that would ignore part of the law for a little while.”

“Why did he do that Dada?” He asked.

“Well, for a few reasons.” I began to explain “First, Obama liked to make everything about what color people were because it helped him get lots of votes. It also got lots of people who think like him lots of votes too.”

“You mean puppets?” Damn, this kid is awesome!

“Yes. But they like to call themselves Democrats or even Progressives…”

“You mean like Flo on TV? She is funny.”

“No. That’s a different Progressive. So anyway, there was an election coming and Obama wanted to help more people who think like him get elected. By ignoring parts of the law, he thought he could make lots of people happy and they would vote for his friends. Second, even though he pretended to be a teacher of the Constitution, didn’t really understand it. He thought the President was a king and could do whatever he wanted. Third, Obama hated America the way it was. He wanted to make a new America.”

“What kind of America did he want?” He asked with rapt attention.

“Oh buddy,” I explained with the care and compassion only a dad can know, “You are not old enough for that part of the story. It is very scary and you need to be able to sleep tonight.”

“OK, Dada.” He conceded “So why is everyone so mad now about DACA. Teacher was crying in school.”

“Well Mini-Whiggy, yesterday President Trump …”

“Remember when people made him president and you laughed and laughed so hard that you peed? That was funny and gross.” He reminded me.

“Yes, it was.” I started my explanation again. “Yesterday President Trump told the people who worked for him that they have to follow the law. Because some people don’t like the law, he gave Congress six months to make a new law if they want to.”

“Wow!” He exclaimed “Six months is a long time. In six months, I will be 8 years-old and the Patriots will have another Superbowl Trophy.”

“That’s very true! But, Congress spends so much time stealing money from people and calling the President names that getting anything done in six months may be impossible.”

“So” He began to summarize, “Congress made a law that people are supposed to listen to. President Obama didn’t like the law so he ignored parts of it. Then President Trump told people they have to follow the law or make a new one. Now lots of people are mad that they have to follow a law that they were supposed to follow anyway?”

“Yup.” I agreed. See the seven year old gets it!

“That’s stupid.” He stated plainly with the wisdom of Socrates.

“Yes, it is Little Man. Yes, it is.”

“Dada, I have one more question. Why are you calling me Mini-Whiggy?”

“Because this is a blog. Its not a real conversation. It’s make believe.”

“Oh” he said, “Like liberal tolerance?”

“Yes buddy. Exactly like liberal tolerance.” I have the greatest kid in the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted on

A letter to the Moral Aristocracy

Dear Moral Aristocracy,

I would like to start with a heartfelt thank you. If it were not for you, the United States may now be suffering under the imperial rule of Hillary Clinton. Thank you for ensuring that tragedy did not happen. Confused? I’ll explain. If it weren’t for your decades of telling everyone how to live, what to eat, what not to eat, what words to use, what words not to use, how to raise our children, what games our children can play, what humor is acceptable and on and on there would not have been the groundswell of anger that lead to the Trump presidency.

You started innocently enough with trying to cleanse certain words from our language that most would agree are offensive. Then you went a little farther with moronically trying to change words we’ve used for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. Freshman became first year student. Woman became womyn. Moron became liberal. You get the idea. In all your historical ignorance, you decided to call it Politically Correct. The not so subtle message being that, if anyone dared say something that did not fit your ever-changing mold, that person would be “incorrect”. I long for the innocent days when I was only incorrect. Now anyone who strays from the party line is a Nazi, evil, the antichrist or any other number of historically inaccurate comparisons.

Yocommunismu have now graduated on to full on Communist social engineering. “You are doing the same thing by calling us Communists” you are thinking together with your collective Borg-like hivemind.

I agree, with one minor exception. My depiction actually fits the historical record. Do you know from where the term “political correct” derives? Of course you don’t, MSNBC and CNN hasn’t told you yet. It comes from 1930’s Soviet Union.  People understood there were two “realities” at the time. There was what actually was happening and what the communist government wanted people to believe. Therefore, there was what was correct and what was politically correct. Sounds a lot like today. There is what happens in the world and there is what you and your media wants everyone to think is happening. Like the soviet communists, you too want to engineer a social hegemony where you set the rules for everyone’s behavior.

You were doing well for quite a while there too. You controlled congress for 40 some odd years. You developed social programs that drove people to become reliant on the government for their very survival. More people rely on the government now than at any time in our history. Not long after, you gained intellectual control of our education system. Around the same time, you gained intellectual control over the media.

Enough of us started catching on that you could no longer rely on control of congress. Your domination started to wane. Ronald Reagan showed there was a way to be successful without sucking on the teat of government. Suddenly people didn’t need the government. Your response? Full on political correctness. Perhaps you could not completely control government anymore but you could continue to manipulate how people thought and behaved through the media, Hollywood and professorial dictates. Colleges taught us politically correct from wrong and the media covered only what fit your picture of the world. You were making tremendous progress. Once again political and intellectual hegemony were in sight. Then you reached your pinnacle. Your great savior the Obamination was elected in a frenzy of blind political correctness. You and he had control of congress again. You passed the second largest piece of citizen control legislation. Now you control the very health care system that people relied on to survive. Certainly nothing could stop you. But there was a slight wrinkle that you didn’t see in all your historical ignorance.

You see, non-liberals have this annoying thing called free will. I understand that you are unfamiliar with the concept but freewill allows us to think for ourselves and make our own decisions. We get ever so slightly annoyed when you try to assimilate us into your Borg-like mindshare cult. We are big boys and girls (notice the mention of only two genders). We like thinking for ourselves. Sure, it’s a more difficult way of living than yours. Thinking can be hard. You should try it. I bet, that if your tried really hard and practiced for a few years you would like it. Like the citizens of almost every communist government in history, we fought back. Had you not ignored history, you would have seen it coming.

In the years since the Obamination’s coronation we won quite a few skirmishes. We took back the House, the Senate, most of the governor seats and the majority of state governments. The news organization that was most watched is one that is not part of your hive. The most listened to talk radio hosts have not been assimilated. Through all this you did not learn. You didn’t notice the signs because you chose only to see what you want to see.

You put everything into the 2016 election.  Certainly, we would all conform by crowning Hillary Clinton. Undoubtedly your hegemony would be established at last and would be the 1000-year Reich.  After all, you are politically correct.

But then Donald Trump happened. He represented all that you are not. No, openly opposed all that stand for. He was not only politically incorrect, but he flaunted it. He openly called out your attempts at social domination. While you still spoke of the hive he spoke of the needs and desires of the individual worker bee. While you told everyone how they should think and behave, he showed them that they could behave anyway they liked. In short, he took your social engineering playbook and bitch-slapped you with it and then lit it on fire. On November 8th Trump led us to our biggest battle victory of this war for control of the populace you started decades ago. The game had changed. The rules had changed.

And what was your response? Did you learn from your mistakes? Did you realize that you had to scale back your goal of a great American communist state? Nope. You brought doubling down to a whole new level. You threw tantrums like 2-year olds who needed their binkies. You went from the paragons of political correct behaviors to common rioting thugs. You went from trying to legislate historical revisionism to literally demolishing history. As your movement is in its death throes you have become the despots that originally defined your movement. When people won’t assimilate, intimidate.

But keep it up. The more you tantrum, the more our numbers grow. Every time one of you sheds crocodile tears, another patriot is born. Every time you destroy a piece of American history, another patriot is born. Every time you don an oh so appropriate vagina hat, another patriot is born. Every time you call for the impeachment of the President, another patriot is born. Every time you call people with whom you disagree a Nazi, another patriot is born. Every time you burn an American city because you don’t get what you want, another patriot is born.

So, go ahead, keep fighting. Just remember, there are more of us and while you have been eating your gluten-free snowflake vegan hope nuggets in your safe spaces we have been working, learning and preparing for victory.

With any DUE respect,

 

Whiggy

Posted on

Gluten-Free Rainbow Lollipop Land

I saw something yesterday that touched my heart and completely changed my mind about the airbrushing of American history. I turned on the news and watched helplessly as several TV commentators, most notably the virtuous and trustworthy Van Jones, wept in response to President Trump’s condemnation of hate by both sides and his call for unity (that horrible racist puppy killing Nazi). I too was brought to tears at this display. Granted my tears were of a mirthful and mocking nature but they were tears nonetheless. Then I had an epiphany. We can change history! Together we can undo all the wrongs wrought by our forefathers (not our foremothers, they were women and therefore could do no wrong). After all, we are to blame for events that transpired hundreds, if not thousands, of years before our birth. I know these things because the great Holy Man Alfred Charles Sharpton told me so.

My friends. My country…men…women…trans…CISs .. umm. Oh screw-it … my fellow carbon-based life elements, let us rise together and undue the crimes of our past for which we are wholly responsible! Let us not stop at a measly few confederate statues. Oh no. Like the great socialists that came before us, Stalin, Lenin, Mao and Hitler, let us destroy any vestige of what came before us that does not fit our current view of Utopia free of white men and anyone who identifies as their oppressive birth gender. I propose the following revisions and reversions:

  • All statues, monuments, parks and museums having to do with slavery must be torn down today. May I suggest we save taxpayer money and let the highly motivated millennials do the demolition? We can pay them with Fidget Spinners.
  • Arlington National Cemetery must be bulldozed. Arlington sits on land previously owned by Robert E. Lee. His house still stands there. Also, there are confederate soldiers buried there. May I suggest the land be used as the home of the cultural movement of our time: Occupy (insert the hate of the day here)?
  • The names of Washington state and the District of Columbia must be changed. Washington was a slave owner and therefore a disgrace to all that is good. May I suggest we call them Gluten-Free Rainbow Lollipop Land and Gluten-Free Rainbow Lollipop Land SS (Safe Space)?
  • The name of Pennsylvania must also be changed. William Penn was a slave owner and therefore a worthless pariah to history. May I suggest the name be changed to Clintopia?
  • All statues of, historical mentions of and major legislation (see what I did there?) signed by FDR must be forthwith eliminated. FDR ordered internment camps during World War II. May I suggest his memorial be replaced with one for the peace-loving Che Guevara?
  • Mount Rushmore will need to be renovated. May I suggest we replace the faces of Washington (slave owner), Jefferson (rapist slave owner) and Roosevelt (Indian killer) with great utopian socialists? While not American, we cannot doubt the Omnipotent State Utopias created by Stalin, Mao and Hitler were indeed places of peace and love. They understood that government knew best and could ensure that everyone was treated equally.
  • All railroads must be torn up immediately. The railroads were largely built by Chinese immigrants forced into labor, treated poorly and paid less than $15 an hour. May I suggest the railroads be replaced with bike lanes with Citybike kiosks added every half mile?
  • The state of Maine must be returned to Massachusetts and the state of Missouri must become an unorganized territory. Both were part of the Missouri Compromise, which only propagated slavery. No further suggestion here. (feel free to add your suggestion in the comments)
  • All US Cities must be immediately disbanded. It has been an undisputed fact that evil white meat and gluten eating men forced former slaves from their plantations and packed them into cities in a 200 year plan to keep them subjugated, underprivileged and poorly educated. May I suggest that each of the 45 million or so African Americans, all of whom are still victims of slavery, be given 10 acres of federal land?
  • The democrat party must be disbanded immediately. They have a history of supporting slavery and creating the KKK. May I suggest it be replaced with the ultimate goal of socialism, the Borg?

 

Wait! What the hell am I thinking? I am sorry. Please excuse my ignorance. I am missing the root of the problem. We can solve all our problems with two very simple solutions:

  • There were relatively few black people in the colonies before the slave trade. Since every single African American today is here, and an object of cultural subjugation, due to that slave trade we must reverse it. It seems only logical that all African Americans should be liberated of the “American” and returned to their glorious homelands.

Oh calm down! Don’t call me a racist. I’m not done yet. Damn it Van Jones, stop crying! You aren’t even reading this. Uh Oh, I hear peaceful protesters approaching my house. Are those flamethrowers? I said … LET ME FINISH!

  • When the original evil white colonists arrived from Europe they murdered the peaceful indigenous people, destroyed the lands and raped the native fauna. This land cannot reach its Utopian ideal unless all those of European heritage (i.e. evil white devils) are purged from the land. Therefore, logic dictates that white people of privilege (i.e all evil white devils) be returned to Europe.

Problem solved for all sides! Uh Oh, I said all sides. Here come the peaceful protesters again. Are those gluten-free hybrid chainsaws?

 

(Look to your right. See that subscribe box? Go ahead and subscribe. You know you want to. Its gluten-free!)

Posted on

The Media: The Most Dangerous Hate Group in America

I believe subtlety and nuance are vital in proper political discourse. Oh wait. No, I don’t. The most dangerous hate-group in America is the mainstream media. OH NO HE DIDN’T!!! Oh yes I did!

 

I am sorry, do you think that statement is too hyperbolic? Surely, you suggest, the KKK, White Supremacists, Alt Right, Alt Left, Antifa, BLM and anyone living in San Francisco pose a greater danger. After all they have rioted. They have burned buildings. They have destroyed property. They have sent dissenters to the hospital. They have killed civilians and police alike. How can there be doubt that they are the most dangerous hate-groups in America? Let’s explore shall we?

There can be no doubt that the above-named groups are violent and/or dangerous. A simple review of pictures and videos on social media of their behaviors during their “peaceful demonstrations” will prove that point.  However, these people represent a small fraction of the populace. Even the Million-Vagina March (That was the name of it right?) represented on a tiny portion of Americans. More important than whom they represent, these groups can only directly influence an infinitesimal number of people with whom they have direct contact. That said, their influence can be magnified beyond reasonable measure by the media. By that measure, the Alt Left, Antifa, BLM and Pelosi Supporters are more dangerous than the others because they are glorified by the media making their behavior increasingly socially acceptable.

Lest we believe concern about the media is a new thing brought on by the evil Donald Trump and his racist, sexist, baby-eating and puppy killing minions, let’s look at what a couple others have said: Thomas Jefferson said “Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle”. Alexander Hamilton said “It is the Press which has corrupted our political morals. Theodore White, A journalist in the 60’s and 70’s, summed up the power of the press best when he said “the power of the press in America is a primordial one. It sets the agenda of public discussion; and this sweeping political power is unrestrained by any law. It determines what people will talk and think about …”. To sum up, the media is an unrestrained power that determines what people will talk and think about. Unrestrained. Not only are they unrestrained but they are unbalanced, I mean imbalanced. Actually, they are both. They are imbalanced because the clear majority of the mainstream media represent a single political ideology. By any measure, any poll and any research done, today’s American media leans so far left that it topples over into a cartwheel and continues going ad infinitum.  With what does this leave us? An unrestrained and untrustworthy power determining the American zeitgeist with little to no counter-balance. Can there be any question that the mainstream media is the most dangerous group in America?

But Whiggy (can you think of a better nickname?), you say, you said they were a hate group? How can you say that? They don’t march, they don’t riot and they don’t spout hateful speech. Admittedly, I will get more pushback on this point than any other. Hate is a very strong word to be sure. However, how else would you define any group that covers someone negatively 80% of the time (90% when you subtract Fox News) according to several sources, notably the Harvard Kennedy’s Shorenstein Center on Media, Politics and Public Policy? Their hate is not as vulgar as the KKK and Nazi groups proudly displaying symbols of hate and racism. Its not as blatant as the Alt Left and Pelosi minions burning buildings and publicly beating people with whom they disagree. Their hate isn’t chanted in the streets like the Black Lives Matter “What do we want? Dead Cops! When do we want it? Now.” No. Their hate is far dastardlier (cool word – spellcheck liked it more than “more dastardly”). Its ubiquitous. It pervades everything they do. Their hate is best shown in their dearth of any balanced or neutral coverage and their complete acceptance of anything the Moral Aristocracy says without any journalistic skepticism. They have presented the left’s stance as orthodoxy. You are either evil or stupid if you believe otherwise.

There can be no doubt that the mainstream media hates this President. They promote false storylines of fake crimes. They give the bully pulpit to people full of hate who call the President a liar, a Nazi, evil and stupid. The bend and edit his words to further support that picture. They glorify acts of violence as a means of expressing disagreement with him. They outright call anyone who supports him racist and evil. Said bluntly: the media has constructed a zeitgeist of hatred for a President, his supporters and anyone who disagrees with the liberal left.

 “Any dictator would admire the uniformity and obedience of the U.S. media.” – Noam Chomsky

I ask, who else is a more dangerous hate group?

 

(Remember to subscribe to this blog or you hate puppies and babies)

Posted on

I’ll be right back …gotta riot

Preamble Disclaimer:

First, I want to make perfectly clear that hate-based violence is unacceptable in any form. What happened in Charlottesville is tragic and inexcusable. With no equivocation, I condemn any group with hate at their core and/or who uses violence as a means to promote their demagoguery. My following thoughts in no way condone the violence associated with it.

(I have been inflicted with Mass Psychosis Disorder and am therefore disproportionately and nonsensically outraged! Read in a high pitched sanctimonious voice trembling in outrage, fear and grief)

Did you see the President’s hate filled and racists words? Twenty minutes before the tragic death in Charlottesville, VA our President deliberately stoked the flames of racism, sexism, homophobia, anti-Semitism and animal cruelty. Did you see his words? Let me read them to you: “We ALL must be united & condemn all that hate stands for. There is no place for this kind of violence in America. Let’s come together as one!”.  Can you believe that? How can you read that as anything but hate? And notice this tweet came out twenty minutes BEFORE the killing by his number one supporter, hidden campaign manager and secret vice-president! (I’ll be right back …. Ok I am back. I had to go burn down my neighbor’s house for daring to have a one-dollar bill in his wallet. The one-dollar bill has George Washington on it. Washington had slaves and therefore is a symbol of hatred and racism and as such needs to be completely airbrushed from history.)

Trump did not stop his detestable behavior there. Eighty minutes after the tragedy (might as well have been 80 days like Bush’s response to Katrina) he further supported hate when he said: “… But we’re closely following the terrible events unfolding in Charlottesville, Va. We condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence on many sides, on many sides. It’s been going on for a long time in our country. Not Donald Trump, not Barack Obama. This has been going on for a long, long time. It has no place in America. What is vital now is a swift restoration of law and order and the protection of innocent lives. No citizen should ever fear for their safety and security in our society. And no child should ever be afraid to go outside and play or be with their parents and have a good time...” (I’ll be right back …Ok I am back. I had to go burn down my other neighbor’s house. He didn’t do anything wrong but I am really upset. What else was I supposed to do?) Can you believe THAT LEVEL OF RACISM? “Violence on many sides, on may sides” Why did he say it twice? We all know two negatives make a positive. Follow me here. By saying “many sides” twice, he obviously means ONE SIDE. And we all know that the most famous “Side” is the Dark Side … the Dark Side is BLACK! GOD DAMN RACIST SONOFABITCH! And we know when he condemns “hatred, bigoty and violence” he really means “I eat babies”. See, he admitted it and no one seems to care! We have to stop this Russian spy! (I’ll be right back ….)

I gotta be honest, that felt good. Is that what it is like to be a liberal? You get to feign outrage, ignore facts and burn down your neighbors’ houses? No wonder they like it. (Disclaimer: no neighbor’s house was harmed during this blog.)

 

I do not want to pontificate too long on this but I have to make at least one point. A woman was tragically killed and the Moral Aristocracy has focused on nothing but the fact that the President did not explicitly call out white supremacists, the KKK and other racists. They do not care about Heather Heyer. They only care about propagating the hate against President Trump. Now, while I personally wish he would have named the hate groups on both sides, he still made a call for peace and unity while condemning all hate. Where was the outrage when our previous president blamed police for arresting too many African Americans as well as guns themselves for the Dallas Police shootings? Where was the outrage when that same president constantly and consistently stoked the fires of racism?  There were protests and riots across the country last night and they will, no doubt, continue for the days to come. What are these protests about? The puppets of the Moral Aristocracy are rioting because the President of the United States ccondemned hate from all sides and called for unity. Let that sink in.