Friends, let me tell you about a dream I had last night (no, not that kind of dream! What are you, a Hollywood producer?):
In my dream, there was an African American (Rebel Ricky) accused of industrial espionage. The allegations against him stated that he worked with a competitor (Soviet Sales) to undercut and destroy another competitor (She Devil, Inc.) by manipulating customers with false advertisement. Because this alleged crime crossed state and international borders, the FBI got involved with the investigation. In fact, a special investigative team was put together to examine this alleged crime. She Devil, Inc. had a very close, if not incestuous, relationship with the US media. Most of the media were stock holders in She Devil, Inc. and many created a church based on its mystical powers of invulnerability. It was clear to many of She Devil’s followers that it had God like powers. She Devil products had the ability to make otherwise intelligent people into blathering idiots. She Devil products had the power of invisibility. Huge swaths of customers could not see the damage done by its products. She Devil products could kill people and make the police and customers see the deaths as suicide and botched robberies. She Devil products made the media, henceforth referred to as JJEN (Judge, Jury and Executioner News), intellectually masturbate on screen all the while claiming neutrality. Their products truly were God like in the tradition of Jim Jones and Marshall Applewhite.
When asked what crimes were being investigated, the FBI stated that they were looking at collusion between Rebel Ricky, Inc. and Soviet Sales. When asked if there was any evidence of collusion, the FBI stated that there was none but, since She Devil, Inc. lost a major government contract, there must have been something illegal going on. A spokesperson for She Devil, Inc. stated the lack of evidence is precisely why an investigation was needed. JJEN claimed Rebel Ricky’s guilt from the start. 127.6% of coverage was negative against Rebel Ricky. They claimed his products were evil going as far as saying they raped goats and ate babies. Additionally, a subsidiary of She Devil, Inc hired a monkey to sit in a room in Moscow and throw feces at a wall covered with various salacious behaviors. A group of college students wearing black Gucci torn clothing took a break from burning buildings and went into the room to write down each behavior. Using the list, they alleged Rebel Ricky had performed all these behaviors and then called it a Dossier. That Dossier was given to the FBI by a man, known as the Ancient One, who was passed over for the CEO position for which Ricky was appointed. The FBI used that Dossier as justification to perform anal cavity searches on all Rebel Ricky’s customers.
The FBI put together a Dream Team investigative unit sparing no expense. Of the 476 investigators they hired, 475 of them were customers and true-followers of She Devil, Inc. In a show of balance, one person on the team purchased one of Rebel Ricky’s products that one time…as a gift…for a secret Santa tradition…for a co-worker he hated. JJEN instantly claimed the team to be unbiased. I mean, they did have that one dude. The team worked hard to investigate every orifice of anyone who had ever worked with Soviet Sales, knew anyone related to Soviet Sales, read the name Soviet Sales, knew anyone who read the name Soviet Sales, read an article by JJEN about Soviet Sales or used two words in a row that began with the letter “S”. After 17 years of investigation two people had been indicted. One was indicted for taking three pennies from the Leave-a-Penny-Take-a-Penny tray at the 7-11 in 1987. Another was indicted for lying to the FBI about ordering a Coke at lunch. He had actually ordered a Pepsi …a Diet Pepsi. He is expected to be executed by She Devil, Inc. within the next few weeks.
JJEN did its part to help the investigation by being unbiased in there reporting. They had no biases when it came to making allegations. They gave full time to any allegation regardless of how ridiculous it was. In one week they had to retract 3 separate allegations on which they spent 47 straight hours reporting. Perhaps they should have better vetted their sources. I mean, no one ever believed Rebel Ricky could have kept an apartment in the anal cavity of the CEO of Soviet Sales. He is a pretty tall guy.
While no one seemed to care that the investigative team were major stockholders in She Devil, Inc., things started to go poorly for the investigation once a few minor details came to light. One investigator regularly had lunch with an executive from She Devil, Inc. I’m not sure there is a problem there. I mean, he is a stock holder. Also, his wife worked for the subsidiary that created the Dossier. JJEN justified this relationship by saying …well …nothing. The nothing became harder to maintain when it was reported elsewhere that two of the investigators exchanged texts in which they said something about a meeting with an FBI executive about ensuring that no one bought Rebel Ricky’s products or sabotaging them if they do. Oh, and then there is the part where one of those investigators was responsible for an interview with She Devil, Inc. for an unrelated crime that was made to go away by She Devil, Inc’s mystical invisibility powers. Oh, and that same person is the one who interviewed the executive who lied about Pepsi … DIET Pepsi. Oh, and that same investigator also changed the wording on a report about She Devil, Inc’s alleged crime form “guilty as all hell” to “saint-like mistake due to stress of sexism”. Oh, and that same investigator texted the woman with whom he was having an affair, another investigator, calling Rebel Ricky the “N” word!
Friends, in the world of this dream, fairness and justice always prevails. JJEN, jolted by the use of the “N” word, started to look a little deeper into the investigation. They began to notice subtle hints of bias and unfairness. Clearly an investigator should not have a bias against those whom they investigate. They remembered the OJ trial. They remembered how a jury decided that a detective who once used the “N” word must have been biased and therefore could not be trusted. They started to understand how a Dossier paid for by Rebel Ricky’s competitor may not be the most trustworthy document. Therefore, they began to muse, perhaps the investigation on which it was built was not legitimate. And in an epiphany of biblical proportions, they began to think that perhaps …just maybe…they should not chose sides. Perhaps…just maybe…they should be fair in their reporting.
In this wonderful dream world, I saw an anchor from JJEN stand before the American people and say the following: “My fellow Americans, we are sorry. We were wron…” ERNT ERNT ERNT
My damn alarm!
Perhaps it wasn’t a dream?
I turned on the news: “Trump drinks 27 Diet Cokes a day and eats the hearts of orphan transgendered undocumented visitors.”
DAMN IT! Time to go back to sleep.