Friends, when Whiggy was a young aspiring PC assassin he found a young homeless puppy. I named that puppy Sonny. That puppy was an adorable golden retriever all fluffy and sweet. He came to our family later than our other pets, but he quickly became a part of the family. Not only was he laid back, he was absolutely beautiful and would lick just about anything. Sonny was glorious. Unfortunately, as time went by, the love we all had for Sonny went straight to his head. He began to ignore all his housetraining. He began to chew on furniture and shoes. He ate the cat’s food. He defecated on my dad’s bed while he slept. Most egregiously, he often came home with stray dogs he found down on South Street. Whenever we kicked the strays out of the house, Sonny growled, tore the couch apart and tried to run away. We loved Sonny. He was a part of the family, but he needed to follow the rules. Sadly, one day Sonny brought home a very aggressive dog. We had already kicked that dog out many times. This time that flea-ridden stray killed my sister’s cat. It was clear that both the mongrel stray and, much to our regret, Sonny had to leave. My father brought the filthy mongrel stray to the pound. We struggled with what to do with Sonny. Do we let him run away and then lock the door behind him? Do we bring him to the pound? Do we let our North Korean neighbor use him for target practice? We anguished for days. Finally, we brought Sonny to live with our drunk uncle Elber. We never saw either of them again.
Friends, California has become Sonny. They let strays in (start melting snowflakes), their actions lead to deaths of people who live and belong here, and they are shitting all over our laws. The liberals from the Golden State have been threatening to run away using the hashtag #calexit. Friends, we should not allow them to run away. We need to kick them out. #deportcalifornia
“But Whiggy” you argue, “we can’t let them go. It would destroy our economy. California is important for a lot of things.”
Have you no faith in Whiggy? I have a plan:
- First, every military base, as it is in other foreign countries, will remain sovereign United States territory.
- All US Military equipment used by the California National Guard will be repossessed.
- The ports of Los Angeles, Longbeach, and Oakland will be officially annexed, named US military bases and considered sovereign US territory.
- Travel corridors from those ports into the United States will also be annexed. They will be equipped with superhighways and high-speed transits trains.
- Any electrical services, oil pipelines and water that originate in the US will be cut off. If the People’s Republic of California would like to purchase those services, they may negotiate new contracts.
- President Trump will personally handle the negotiations.
- As an act of humanitarianism, after water from the Colorado River is cut off, Chuck Schumer will be sent to southern California. His tears should provide enough water for at least a month.
- Any dam, bridge and waterway created by the US Corps of Engineers will be destroyed and the land will be returned to its natural state.
- All patents originally registered in the United States will become the property of the United States.
- Any US Companies wishing to own those patents may purchase them from the government.
- Any Republic of California companies wishing to purchase can bid with a 40% annual tariff.
- Any product The People’s Republic of California would like to sell in the United States would be met with an 80% tariff.
- It would become illegal to possess, grow or consume avocados in the United States.
- All travel into the United States from the PRC would be suspended for one year.
- After the one-year moratorium on travel, all citizens of the PRC would be required to have a passport and to submit to extreme vetting.
- All current illegal immigrants in the 49 states would henceforth be deported to The People’s Republic of California.
- #MAGA will be tattooed on their face in order to better identify them if they try to re-enter the US.
- If they re-enter illegally they will be immediately returned to the PRC … via catapult.
- Every inmate in all US prisons will given the option of getting out of prison by renouncing their US citizenship and being deported to the PRC.
- They will likewise be tattooed.
- They will likewise be returned if they try to return … via catapult.
- California’s congressional delegation will be named enemies of the state and expelled from the United States.
“Hold on Whiggy! What about the Patriots living in California?”
Have faith…
- Any current US citizen that would like to remain a US citizen would be welcome to move to the United states.
- They would each be reimbursed for their property loss at the market price for they state they are moving to.
- The will be required to prove that they burned their homes to the ground and urinated on the ashes. The only form of proof that will be acceptable is a youtube video posted on the “Bye-Bye Liberal Idiots” channel. The channel will require a one-time $1 payment to be viewed.
- They would be given a one-year break from paying US federal taxes.
- Those choosing to move to the US would have to be equally distributed among the 49 states.
- After a period of no less than five years, the People’s Republic of California may petition to return to the United States as a territory with no representation in either the House or the Senate.
- In order to submit a petition, they must have voted with 80% of voters voting for the measure. A turnout of 80% will also be required.
- A petition by a smaller sub-region within the PRC will also be considered.
- After a peaceful period of 25 years as a territory, the PRC or a smaller sub-region will be considered for statehood following the guidelines laid out in the Constitution.
Feel better?
“Yes Whiggy. We love your plan. Let’s make it happen!”
Why thank you. I love my readers.
Oh, and by the way there is a tremendous gift for all true patriots built into this plan: California’s congressional seats and their electoral votes will naturally and constitutionally be redistributed, based on population, across the remaining 49 states. The influx of patriots from the PRC, equally distributed, would ensure that no Democrat would ever become President again. Likewise, the House and Senate would never be controlled by democrats again. You are welcome.
Think we can get it done by Christmas? #deportcalifornia
“Ummm. I know all this already. Remember you used to read me the constitution every night when I was three?” he interrupted.