Friends, from time to time Mrs. Whiggy asks me to do projects around the house. Like all good lazy men, I agree to do as she asks and I show support for her ideas. I simply never specify when I’m going to do what she asks. Often, I need to gather more information, procure supplies and get more people to help. Now, I am not saying that I lie per se. I just use standard delay tactics emblematic of my gender. Uh oh, I think that makes me sexist. Hold on, I need to ask someone … OK, I am back. Apparently, I am not sexist because all negative stereotypes of men are acceptable. Whew, that was close. Where was I? That right, Mrs. Whiggy’s requests.
Well, Mrs. Whiggy is much smarter than am I. When she wants something done, it will get done. Earlier this summer I was very busy contemplating a project request by sitting on the deck with a nice scotch and a cigar. Onto the deck walks Giancarlo, the “handyman” Mrs. Wiggy hired to get that railing fixed. So that you get the full picture, let me describe Giancarlo to you. Firstly, he appears to be allergic to shirts. I have never scene him wear one. Congress has a higher approval level than Giancarlo has body fat. He has an annoyingly perfect tan. Mrs. Whiggy literally ironed my dress shirts on his stomach. Now my shirts smell of him … and the Mrs. requests I wear them everywhere! I mean seriously, you don’t run on the treadmill in a dress shirt! And don’t even ask me about his accent! I am pretty sure its not real. Even the dogs look at him longingly when he speaks to them.
The first time he came over to fix the railing I was annoyed. I was supposed to do things around the house. It is my house damn it! The next few times went too far. I was suspicious when Mrs. Whiggy started to watch him work, but I thought it went too far when she invited her friends over …and sold tickets … and asked me to make appetizers! Soon she started making plans with him for small fixes throughout the house. Then she started designing renovations and additions. Its when they designed a garage that I put a stop to it! I mean, no garage needs a knitting room!
I know what you are thinking “So, Whiggy, what did you do to stop it? Did you confront this Italian tool? Did you lay down the law?”
Well my friends, I am brilliant. Whiggy will always win! The solution was simple enough. I just started doing the projects by myself as soon as I was asked. Sometimes I even did them on my own without being asked! Whiggy shoots and scores! Finally, stuff is getting done around the house and Giancarlo is gone! Now if I can just get Mrs. Whiggy to remove his picture from her bedside table.
“So, Whiggy, you tell fabulous stories, but why did you tell us this one?”
Well, my friends. It’s because I think President Trump has learned a thing from Mrs. Wh
iggy. The Republican party, in which I claimed membership for more than 25 years have been telling us all since the Obamination took office that they would get rid of Obamacare, secure our borders and cut taxes if ever they were in charge of all three branches of government. Well, guess what? They have been in charge since January and have accomplished approximately nothing except try to avoid looking to be too close to the president. The petty little factions of the GOP have been sitting around sipping scotch and smoking cigars on their own figurative decks. The President has asked them to put together legislation that he could sign …. Nothing. The spineless imps who all signed legislation when they knew President Obama would veto it have now been running for cover under the guise of it not being EXACTLY what they want. I used the same excuse with Mrs. Whiggy. “I don’t know exactly what I want the basement to look like when its done, so I can’t do anything yet.” Like Mrs. Whiggy, Trump has brought in his own version of Giancarlo in the form of Chuck and Nancy. Lets just hope neither of them take off their shirts!
Its funny how quickly the Republicans, led by Paul Ryan and his vapor thin convictions, suddenly appeared behind every podium and in front of every camera to discuss how willing they are to work to get something done. Three leaders from each party joined the President for dinner. I doubt much was accomplished since, not long after, he invited Chuck and Nancy over for Chinese food (racists!) by themselves. The rumors from that were that they had all agreed on a deal about DACA. Uh Oh! Now the Republicans are afraid that President Trump will sell-out completely. While I doubt that will happen, he is a master negotiator after all, perhaps it will get the Republicans to get off their @sses, work together and actually get something done closer to what they want and not what the minority wants.
Here’s the deal: Like Mrs. Whiggy, President Trump wants to get something done. Period. He may not get exactly what he wants or exactly what he thought he could promise, but it will be something and that something will still be better than what Obama left. He understands that he cannot get precisely what he wants. He literally wrote the book on making deals. The toddler-like republicans fighting over how they want their Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches prepared haven’t figured that out yet. If they don’t soon they are about to be served liverwurst served by a topless Chuck and Nancy. No one wants to see that!
“Ummm. I know all this already. Remember you used to read me the constitution every night when I was three?” he interrupted.