Tag: charlottesville

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Gluten-Free Rainbow Lollipop Land

I saw something yesterday that touched my heart and completely changed my mind about the airbrushing of American history. I turned on the news and watched helplessly as several TV commentators, most notably the virtuous and trustworthy Van Jones, wept in response to President Trump’s condemnation of hate by both sides and his call for unity (that horrible racist puppy killing Nazi). I too was brought to tears at this display. Granted my tears were of a mirthful and mocking nature but they were tears nonetheless. Then I had an epiphany. We can change history! Together we can undo all the wrongs wrought by our forefathers (not our foremothers, they were women and therefore could do no wrong). After all, we are to blame for events that transpired hundreds, if not thousands, of years before our birth. I know these things because the great Holy Man Alfred Charles Sharpton told me so.

My friends. My country…men…women…trans…CISs .. umm. Oh screw-it … my fellow carbon-based life elements, let us rise together and undue the crimes of our past for which we are wholly responsible! Let us not stop at a measly few confederate statues. Oh no. Like the great socialists that came before us, Stalin, Lenin, Mao and Hitler, let us destroy any vestige of what came before us that does not fit our current view of Utopia free of white men and anyone who identifies as their oppressive birth gender. I propose the following revisions and reversions:

  • All statues, monuments, parks and museums having to do with slavery must be torn down today. May I suggest we save taxpayer money and let the highly motivated millennials do the demolition? We can pay them with Fidget Spinners.
  • Arlington National Cemetery must be bulldozed. Arlington sits on land previously owned by Robert E. Lee. His house still stands there. Also, there are confederate soldiers buried there. May I suggest the land be used as the home of the cultural movement of our time: Occupy (insert the hate of the day here)?
  • The names of Washington state and the District of Columbia must be changed. Washington was a slave owner and therefore a disgrace to all that is good. May I suggest we call them Gluten-Free Rainbow Lollipop Land and Gluten-Free Rainbow Lollipop Land SS (Safe Space)?
  • The name of Pennsylvania must also be changed. William Penn was a slave owner and therefore a worthless pariah to history. May I suggest the name be changed to Clintopia?
  • All statues of, historical mentions of and major legislation (see what I did there?) signed by FDR must be forthwith eliminated. FDR ordered internment camps during World War II. May I suggest his memorial be replaced with one for the peace-loving Che Guevara?
  • Mount Rushmore will need to be renovated. May I suggest we replace the faces of Washington (slave owner), Jefferson (rapist slave owner) and Roosevelt (Indian killer) with great utopian socialists? While not American, we cannot doubt the Omnipotent State Utopias created by Stalin, Mao and Hitler were indeed places of peace and love. They understood that government knew best and could ensure that everyone was treated equally.
  • All railroads must be torn up immediately. The railroads were largely built by Chinese immigrants forced into labor, treated poorly and paid less than $15 an hour. May I suggest the railroads be replaced with bike lanes with Citybike kiosks added every half mile?
  • The state of Maine must be returned to Massachusetts and the state of Missouri must become an unorganized territory. Both were part of the Missouri Compromise, which only propagated slavery. No further suggestion here. (feel free to add your suggestion in the comments)
  • All US Cities must be immediately disbanded. It has been an undisputed fact that evil white meat and gluten eating men forced former slaves from their plantations and packed them into cities in a 200 year plan to keep them subjugated, underprivileged and poorly educated. May I suggest that each of the 45 million or so African Americans, all of whom are still victims of slavery, be given 10 acres of federal land?
  • The democrat party must be disbanded immediately. They have a history of supporting slavery and creating the KKK. May I suggest it be replaced with the ultimate goal of socialism, the Borg?

 

Wait! What the hell am I thinking? I am sorry. Please excuse my ignorance. I am missing the root of the problem. We can solve all our problems with two very simple solutions:

  • There were relatively few black people in the colonies before the slave trade. Since every single African American today is here, and an object of cultural subjugation, due to that slave trade we must reverse it. It seems only logical that all African Americans should be liberated of the “American” and returned to their glorious homelands.

Oh calm down! Don’t call me a racist. I’m not done yet. Damn it Van Jones, stop crying! You aren’t even reading this. Uh Oh, I hear peaceful protesters approaching my house. Are those flamethrowers? I said … LET ME FINISH!

  • When the original evil white colonists arrived from Europe they murdered the peaceful indigenous people, destroyed the lands and raped the native fauna. This land cannot reach its Utopian ideal unless all those of European heritage (i.e. evil white devils) are purged from the land. Therefore, logic dictates that white people of privilege (i.e all evil white devils) be returned to Europe.

Problem solved for all sides! Uh Oh, I said all sides. Here come the peaceful protesters again. Are those gluten-free hybrid chainsaws?

 

(Look to your right. See that subscribe box? Go ahead and subscribe. You know you want to. Its gluten-free!)

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I’ll be right back …gotta riot

Preamble Disclaimer:

First, I want to make perfectly clear that hate-based violence is unacceptable in any form. What happened in Charlottesville is tragic and inexcusable. With no equivocation, I condemn any group with hate at their core and/or who uses violence as a means to promote their demagoguery. My following thoughts in no way condone the violence associated with it.

(I have been inflicted with Mass Psychosis Disorder and am therefore disproportionately and nonsensically outraged! Read in a high pitched sanctimonious voice trembling in outrage, fear and grief)

Did you see the President’s hate filled and racists words? Twenty minutes before the tragic death in Charlottesville, VA our President deliberately stoked the flames of racism, sexism, homophobia, anti-Semitism and animal cruelty. Did you see his words? Let me read them to you: “We ALL must be united & condemn all that hate stands for. There is no place for this kind of violence in America. Let’s come together as one!”.  Can you believe that? How can you read that as anything but hate? And notice this tweet came out twenty minutes BEFORE the killing by his number one supporter, hidden campaign manager and secret vice-president! (I’ll be right back …. Ok I am back. I had to go burn down my neighbor’s house for daring to have a one-dollar bill in his wallet. The one-dollar bill has George Washington on it. Washington had slaves and therefore is a symbol of hatred and racism and as such needs to be completely airbrushed from history.)

Trump did not stop his detestable behavior there. Eighty minutes after the tragedy (might as well have been 80 days like Bush’s response to Katrina) he further supported hate when he said: “… But we’re closely following the terrible events unfolding in Charlottesville, Va. We condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence on many sides, on many sides. It’s been going on for a long time in our country. Not Donald Trump, not Barack Obama. This has been going on for a long, long time. It has no place in America. What is vital now is a swift restoration of law and order and the protection of innocent lives. No citizen should ever fear for their safety and security in our society. And no child should ever be afraid to go outside and play or be with their parents and have a good time...” (I’ll be right back …Ok I am back. I had to go burn down my other neighbor’s house. He didn’t do anything wrong but I am really upset. What else was I supposed to do?) Can you believe THAT LEVEL OF RACISM? “Violence on many sides, on may sides” Why did he say it twice? We all know two negatives make a positive. Follow me here. By saying “many sides” twice, he obviously means ONE SIDE. And we all know that the most famous “Side” is the Dark Side … the Dark Side is BLACK! GOD DAMN RACIST SONOFABITCH! And we know when he condemns “hatred, bigoty and violence” he really means “I eat babies”. See, he admitted it and no one seems to care! We have to stop this Russian spy! (I’ll be right back ….)

I gotta be honest, that felt good. Is that what it is like to be a liberal? You get to feign outrage, ignore facts and burn down your neighbors’ houses? No wonder they like it. (Disclaimer: no neighbor’s house was harmed during this blog.)

 

I do not want to pontificate too long on this but I have to make at least one point. A woman was tragically killed and the Moral Aristocracy has focused on nothing but the fact that the President did not explicitly call out white supremacists, the KKK and other racists. They do not care about Heather Heyer. They only care about propagating the hate against President Trump. Now, while I personally wish he would have named the hate groups on both sides, he still made a call for peace and unity while condemning all hate. Where was the outrage when our previous president blamed police for arresting too many African Americans as well as guns themselves for the Dallas Police shootings? Where was the outrage when that same president constantly and consistently stoked the fires of racism?  There were protests and riots across the country last night and they will, no doubt, continue for the days to come. What are these protests about? The puppets of the Moral Aristocracy are rioting because the President of the United States ccondemned hate from all sides and called for unity. Let that sink in.