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Hypocritical Cow-Napping and Liberal Moral Decrepitude

Friends, Whiggy has made his fair share of poor decisions. I haven’t always behaved in a way I would like my children to behave. Let me share an example: One time in college, I decided that my dorm suffered from an extreme bovine deficiency. In order to rectify the situation, I decided to liberate a cow from my university’s farm in the ag program. The liberation did not go well at first. The cow I chose, I will call her Hillary for the purposes of this story, had acow theft bit of a Theon Greyjoy moment and did not want to leave. After a long discussion of bovine rights and systemic subjugation, I convinced her to follow me up to my dorm. Back then, “see something, say something” had not yet been coined and therefore, everyone who saw something, waved and offered me adult beverages but said nothing to the authorities. Whiggy was a Poli-Sci/English major back then. Had I been a math or science major I may have realized that a full-grown cow could not fit through the singlewide door in the back of my dorm. After several attempts and a few more adult beverages, I gave up and decided that my Bovine Liberation Society would be short lived. I subtly made sure a friend of mine in the Ag program knew about the cow by running down her hall screaming “The cows are coming; the cows are coming”. It was important to me to ensure Hillary would be returned by someone more able and sober than I. I mean, I did all that work to free her and get her up the hill. I wasn’t about to return her too. Geesh, I can’t do everything!”

“Whiggy,” you are saying right about now “you are doing it again. Can you get to the point and tell us why you are telling us this story?”

Indeed, I will. But first let me tell you what I learned from this experience: absolutely nothing. Well, expect that cows are fat and don’t fit through human sized doors. I paid no consequence. I got a ton of laughs. And I was legend on campus for about a week (although that may be only in my head). But here is the thing: I knew then that what I was doing, while funny as hell, was wrong. I know now that it was wrong. If I heard a story of someone doing something similar today, I could not stand on my high horse, call PETA and excoriate that person for animal cruelty … or cownapping … or racism. I would be a hypocritical ass. See where I am going now?

Kidding aside, there are a number of morally dubious decisions I have made in my life that I would not dare to judge someone else on if they made a similar decision. Any decently honest person should feel the same. That is not so say that you cannot learn from your mistakes and try to pass that learning on to others. Rest assured, my daughters know that cows cannot fit into singlewide doors and will, most likely, not attempt to recreate my hilarious folly.

This brings me to my main point: I call the liberal elite class the Moral Aristocracy because they have taken the role of the moral majority over the past few decades. They decide what is morally acceptable based on the direction of the wind on any given day. If you do not agree with what they say, you are evil. Notice I said, “what they say” and not what they do. Liberals have long ignored the behaviors of the compatriots. Words matter – behaviors are ignored. Let’s look at a few examples, shall we?

One of my favorite examples of liberal hypocrisy is the Lion of the Senate himself, Edward ‘Ted’ Kennedy. Lest anyone forget, Teddy killed a woman. He left a party with Mary Jo Kopechne, drove his car off a bridge and swam to safety as she drown in the car. Oh wait, there is more.  He returned to his hotel and went to bed. In the morning he called his friends for advice, went back to the scene and then, 10 hours later, reported it. What deep penalty did he pay? How did the moral aristocracy judge him? He received a 2-month suspended sentence and couldn’t run for president for 10 more years. That’s it. Worse yet, he became the symbol of the Democrat party over the next few decades. He was dubbed the Lion of the Senate. Anyone who was anyone attended his funeral. He was laid to rest in Arlington Cemetery. Not bad for a remorseless killer.

William Jefferson Clinton (I wonder if his name will be protested), the 42nd President of the United States has been accused rape and sexual assault for much of his career. Like so many famous men, he has denied these claims while paying settlements to make many of them go away. Rapey McPotus, at the age of 49, had an affair in the White House with a 23-year-old intern and then perjured himself in a court of law during a what? A lawsuit for his rape of another woman. This affair included oral sex while ordering a military bombing and a deeply disturbing misuse of a cigar. His wife went on to attack his accusers. What deep penalty did this savior of the Democrat party pay? Well, if he had an actual soul, he would have been humiliated publicly for months. That was not the case. He was only the second President impeached yet not removed from office. Instead he was censured. He went on to earn hundreds of millions of dollars for speeches to donors to his foundation.

hillary-harveyPoliticians are not the only members of the left moral aristocracy to display deeply disturbing behavior while suffering little to know consequences. The Hollywood elite are the darlings of the Democrat party as well as its major benefactors. The paragons of the Hollywood left bring a whole new level of depravity. Roman Polanski raped a 13-year-old girl, made a plea bargain and then fled the country. He has since be accused of rape no less than four times. Surely Hollywood would reject him! Nope, he has since made millions directing movies. He has been nominated for several Oscars and his movies have won eight. Actors from Johnny Depp to Whoopi Goldberg have defended him. When he was named Best Director at the Oscars he got a standing ovation. Woody Allen, Hollywood resident genus, married his girlfriend’s adopted daughter with whom he was having an affair. Sounds rather “Hollywood” right? Slight problem: Soon-Yi was a teenager when they started their affair. Further, he was, no doubt a father figure to her. He was also accused of sexual assault of his girlfriend’s son. What terrible price did he pay? Since the affair came to light he has made countless movies, been nominated for eight Oscars and won one. And our newest High Hollywood Hypocrite … Harvey Weinstein: facts are still coming out on this one. This much is clear: He is a sad pathetic man who got off on masturbating in front of those who were powerless before him, all the while extoling the virtues of the liberal elite and raising millions for them. How was he judged by the moral aristocracy? He wasn’t – for thirty years! Only now will we find out if he’ll pay any penalty.

These examples shine a spotlight, not only on depraved sick men but on the complete and pervasive hypocrisy of the left. Kennedy was lauded as a liberal god. Clinton is a democrat savior and great man. Polanski and Allen are creative geniuses and paragons of liberal virtue. Weinstein was a political and industry powerbroker until it caught up with him. And now all the woman, who railed against the President publicly are seen as brave for coming forward decades later after they have made their millions and, lest we forget, after so many others were allowed to suffer at his hand. Hillary, the political relic not the cow (ummm…), is the poster child for this hypocrisy. She did everything she could to destroy the lives of her husband-of-political-convenience’s accusers. Then she said all women’s allegations must be taken seriously. Then she attacked the women who accused her husband again while accusing Donald Trump of misogyny and male-evil. Then she stood as the defender of all women while feeling entitled to all their votes. All the while, she took money from her great friend Harvey who was a well know serial-sexual harasser.

“But Whiggy, certainly the republicans have their fair share of inappropriate behaviors?”

Very true. No one is without sin. This submission is not about the sin, but about the hypocrisy. Republicans are quick to discard of members, even leaders, when similar allegations come to light. Larry Craig was caught doing some unsavory things in a men’s room – He resigned. John Ensign resigned after admitting an affair. Chris Lee send pics to a woman on Craigslist, got caught and resigned. Herman Cain stopped running for President after allegations were made of sexual harassment. Denny Hastert, that sick bastard, was instantly shunned by Republicans once it came to light that he was a pedophile. Liberals surround each other with protection and excuses when they get caught. Conservatives either quit or are forced to walk the plank.

My mother used to say that she never trusted the words of anyone. “Only their actions tell the truth” she would say. The Moral Aristocracy spends an inordinate amount of time telling us all the proper way to live and think. Their words establish their stance at the top of the moral high ground. Their actions betray something far more sinister. They protect child rapists as long as they donate to their cause. They venerate men who use power to subjugate women sexually as long as they support the progressive cause. Their silence allows women to be continually victimized so they can continue to make money, get donations and claim power. They continue to criticize the behaviors of others, all the while setting a new standard for amorality. The have descended from the moral high ground to moral decrepitude. The only sin left in the liberal world is disagreement with their party line.

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Gun Toting Midgets Riding Chocolate Goats

Friends, let us begin with a small history lesson, shall we? A long long time ago, to the land where Ted Kennedy would later kill a woman and get away scott free and where Elizabeth Warren proclaimed her indigenous credentials, there came a revolution. Soon, thirteen colonies rose, took up arms and beat back their former rulers. Key to this revolution was the act of taking up arms. The revolutionaries understood that fact. So too did the Crown. In fact, one of the first things the crown tried to do as signs of unrest became evident was to confiscate arms and gun powder. The Crown recognized that, to keep power, they needed to be the only ones armed. You see where I am going here, right?

When it came time to create the new government of The United States of America, the founding fathers understood that the government could not be the only ones with guns. The second amendment was written specifically to make sure that did not happen. It was not written so people could hunt or sport shoot. It was not written for home defense against burglars, gangs or Antifa. It was written for the sole reason to make sure the citizens could never be made completely subservient to the military of the central government. In short, the constitution keeps the stage set for another revolution when a revolution is needed.

Now lets fast forward to the world in which we live today. Tragically we have a number of batsh@t crazy, radicalized and/or evil people in the wogun controlrld. From time to time those people commit horrifying crimes. In the United States, many of these crimes are committed using guns. All people of intelligence and with a good heart can agree that these crimes are terrible and must be stopped. Unfortunately, that is where the agreement ends. As to what needs to be done to stop them, there is no agreement and there is, indeed, deeply rooted disagreement.  The loudest faction likes to blame the guns themselves for hideous murders. They instantly call for gun control because we all know that laws are 100% effective. After all, look at how well they work when it comes to drugs!

Within hours of the Las Vegas tragedy, Hillary Clinton removed her head from her rectal cavity where she has been searching for What Happened long enough to essentially blame the NRA for making the shooting happen. Soon, everyone in Moral Aristocracy climbed upon their glass pedestals and sang in unison “Gun Control, Gun Control”. When asked what specific gun control idea would have stopped this attack many slipped off their pedestals until those pedestals became firmly entrenched beside Hillary’s head. Watching the news was like watching a two-year-old argue. (I am sorry. That was offensive to two-year-olds). The arguments they did make made no sense. There was no specificity. And I am pretty sure I watched three people on the floor kicking and screaming. Since none of them could offer specifics let’s explore some of the most common gun control ideas.

Back Ground Checks: Depending on who you listen to, somewhere between 85% and 132% of American believe that background checks need to be done before someone can purchase a gun. No doubt background checks would stop all gun-related crime. The moral aristocracy would have us believe that 40% of guns purchased legally in the US are bought without a background check. According to Politifact, that claim is false and the actual number is between 14% and 22%. Certainly, most gun-related crimes are committed by people who fall into that percentage.

Actually, when researchers asked convicted criminals where they got their guns, they found something that is certain to stun us all. They found, in separate studies, that only between 3% and 11% of guns used in crimes were obtained legally! Whoa! Mind blowing isn’t it? I mean, what kind of criminal would use an illegal gun? The nerve! The audacity! Where’s Hillary? It might be time to have all these criminals suicided for not fitting her narrative. Where’s Debbie? She can have them Seth Riched.

Continuing my “fun with gun math” segment, I will use the numbers that best fit the moral aristocracy’s story: Of the 11% of the people committing crimes using legal guns, 22% did not get a background check. Using that logic, in the worst-case scenario it would be somewhat fair to say that 2.42% of all crimes committed with guns are committed by people who skirted background checks by purchasing guns privately or at gun shows. How can there be any doubt that closing the “Gun Show Loophole” would solve all gun related crimes?

Oh wait, I forgot one last little tiny detail. The Las Vegas killer (who’s name I will not utter or type) had more than 30 background checks. They all came up clean.

None of this is to say that I do not believe in background checks personally. I do. But the fact of the matter is, ensuring the extra 2.42% get checked really wont accomplish a damn thing.

So, what have we learned about background checks? 1) Most gun purchases are made with them; 2) Most criminals don’t actually buy guns legally (I’m still in shock); 3) Even with a background check, crazy @ss evil morons still get through.

Mental Health: The moral aristocracy’s narrative goes something like this: “Our mental health system is broken because we don’t have national healthcare and because republicans are all racists. If everyone took a mind-numbing drug, got therapy 23 hours a day and had a designated governmental minder to hold their hands at all times, there would be no crime at all. Additionally, no one with any sort of mental disorder should be allowed to buy a gun.” I may have paraphrased a bit but I believe I have hit all the relevant points.

I have to be honest with you, friends. This one upsets Whiggy the most. It’s the last bit. The whole concept that anyone who had a mental disorder would not be permitted to purchase a gun. Where do I start? You all know I am a former psychologist. Anyone who would suggest such a thing has no concept, whatsoever, of how mental disorders are diagnosed or treated. Let’s start with the most basic question and then move to the more worrisome concepts.

Which mental disorders would lead one to have their second amendment right taken from them? For how long would they have to suffer from it? Would they be banned for life? For how long would they have to be in recovery or symptom free before they could have their second amendment rights back? Do certain behaviors need to be associated with the diagnosis or is the diagnosis itself enough? What severity of disorder symptoms would be needed? These questions are endless and could fill volumes. One final question: when exactly did the moral aristocracy decide it was ok to discriminate against someone based on a pre-existing medical condition? BOOM! Mic drop … how you like them apples you hypocritical @sshats?!

*Pics up mic … I’m not done yet.

The aspect of this concept that most concerns me is the complete and total surrender of personal privacy to the government. For the government to deny someone’s rights based midget with gunon a pre-existing medical condition, they must be made aware of said condition. Think about that for just a minute. This would get rid of the concept of clinical confidentiality. Your government would have to be made aware, not only of your condition, but of the details of your condition. Where does that end? What other rights could they deny you based on their assessment of your mental health. And further, how long would it be until Wikileaks publishes the notes about that dream you had of that midget riding the goat covered in chocolate toting an AR15 with a melted silencer? And there’s my title!

So, what have we learned about denying a person his/her second amendment rights due to a pre-existing medical condition? The answer is in the question.

(I know this is getting long, but it needs to be said. Go pour yourself a drink. I’ll wait. Back? Ok. Let’s continue)

Ban Assault weapons: A good friend of mine and Mrs. Whiggy has the unfortunate luck of suffering from liberalism. Before the Las Vegas shooting, he was over to our house for dinner. The conversation eventually came around to guns and the concept of an assault weapon ban. My dear intellectually-deficient friend knew his liberal talking points well.

“You don’t need a semi-automatic weapon with a 30-bullet clip to hunt deer. Why does anyone NEED an assault weapon?” He said with the smugness of Harvey Weinstein defending his Clinton BFFs.

“You are right,” I responded “I don’t need it to hunt deer. I need it to assure that anyone (citizen or government official) who enters my property with intent to hurt my family or steal my treasure does not leave my property with air in his lungs or thoughts of returning in his head.”

Silence. There was no response. There could be no response. All too often, those who defend the second amendment try to use logic based on the moral aristocracy’s code. Its time for that end. I agree with those on the left that claim that assault weapons are solely intended to kill people. YES, THEY ARE. And your point is? I do not hunt. I have no interest in hunting. I’m kind of a wuss and couldn’t imagine dealing with a dead bloody deer. Anything I may own is owned expressly to remove from the earth anyone meaning to hurt me, my family or my property. Period.

Oh … and by the way: According to the FBI, there were approximately 15,000 murders in the US in 2016. About 10,600 of those were committed using guns. Data is not available yet for 2016 but in 2014 about 70% of those guns were handguns. 2% involved rifles and assault weapons. Yes, that right. I said 2%.

And one more by the way: the constitution grants gun ownership as a right, not as a means of meeting a need and only if that need is present. Oh, and the intent was of the second amendment was to ensure that the citizenry could stay armed in case the need arises to defend against the government. So, there’s that.

So, what have we learned about an assault weapon ban? Like the whole Background Check red herring, banning assault weapons would impact approximately 2% of murders. Then there is that pesky little fact that the constitution makes gun ownership a right. A small side note: Neither health care nor education are mentioned as rights by the constitution yet gun ownership is. Interesting.

I could go on and on about other concerns such as magazine capacities, types of ammunition, types of sights, gun licensure and weapon modifications but I think I have gone on long enough.

I want to leave you with this thought: the deadliest domestic terrorist attack in the US involved a truck and tons of fertilizer and killed 168 people. Where there is a sick will, there is a sick way.

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Multi-Millionaire Defecation Nuggets on their Knees

Friends, as you know, I am a huge fan of the New England Patriots. I have been a fan of the New England Patriots for as long as I can remember. I look forward to the NFL every year as I struggle through the dark days of those other sports. I find baseball as boring as watching Al Gore speak on just about anything. The NBA lost its soul in the 90’s and are represented by the biggest snowflake of all, Lebron “My skills” James. The NHL is cool but it has been put through the snowflake filter resulting in a game of fluffy flag hockey. And the MLS is … well soccer.

I wait for the NFL all year long. I read everything I can on a weekly basis during the off-season. I even watched the CFL that one time. As an example of my level of obsession, I flew to Atlanta the Friday before the Superbowl in February for the express reason to jinx the Falcons because it had worked for the previous two years. Yup, I have that much of an issue.

Sunday afternoons during the NFL season are a time to abandon my children, ignore my friends and swear at my TV. My mother taught me that screaming at the TV is an effective way of making a difference. Oh crap! I think my mom may have been the original Antifa! The only thing I think is football. The only things I protest are bad calls against my beloved Pats (all the calls against them are bad). The only hate I have in my heart if for whatever team they are playing. And the Jets. I always hate the Jets. And Roger Goodell. But that goes without saying. I don’t think about politics. I don’t want to think about politics. I don’t want my pastor to talk about politics in church and I don’t want my team to talk about politics … ever.

And then along came Colin Kaepernick and cast a shadow over my day of beauty. Let’s examine him for a moment: He would want you to believe that, as a black man, he understands the plight of the oppressed. That poor man has been to hell and back all because of his skin is black (Pretty cool rhyme there huh?). Except he hasn’t. He was raised by an upper-middle class white family in Wisconsin before moving to California. He was always a great athlete and received all the respect and accolades that go with it. 20170924_153024No, he became a radical douche only after his career started collapsing. He, no doubt, has talent and athleticism, but like so many young QBs that lose in the Superbowl, he choked thereafter. After that loss, and the loss of a hard-ass coach that made the snowflakes cry, he fell apart. Only then did he decide to stand up for criminals who were shot by police (I’ll write about that concept at some point). The spoiled little snowflake decided that the best way to help his fellow oppressed was to kneel during the anthem and insult the very country that made his success possible. Soon he was joined by others, some of whom actually had experienced oppression but seemed to forget they live in a country where they get paid millions to play a game regardless of their color.

The press had epic multiple orgasms. Everyone forgot that Kaepernick choked as a player and could not be relied upon to help his team win. They did everything possible to keep the issue alive. When Kaepernick was not picked up by another team, they openly questioned if it had to do with his political stance. That poor man was a true martyr to his cause. Rosa Parks had nothing on him. Then the new season started and the whole thing started up again. Even 8-year-olds were taking a knee. They had no idea why, but their parents wanted to feel important.

Fast forward to this week. President Trump decided to shine his bright spotlight on the issue in a way only he could. Snowflakes everywhere had orgasmic-tantrums (a new term created by Whiggy – you are welcome). For the first time in history, the liberal moral aristocracy displayed full-throated support for …. The One Percent. Yup – they truly stand for what they believe in … this week.

Side note: I must be honest, I wish the President had not said anything in this case. As one of my very close friends stated “(the issue) was trending in a positive direction”. Very few players were kneeling. Kaepernick is sitting at home. Americans were not responding well to parents having their 8-year-olds kneel. The President brought the issue back into the brightest spotlight it has seen to date. One thing I learned in my long career working with children is that they best reaction to a tantrum is to lower your voice and speak to them so quietly that they must stop to hear you. Sometimes the best way to deal with the tantrum is to simply ignore it. You’d be surprised how well both of those tactics work. The President, while correct in his words, gave them the attention they needed to continue and even expand their little snowflake fit. The toddlers are kneeling today, not because of alleged police brutality or racism, but because they want to make a stand against Trump. Sometimes you just have to let the children scream it out. They’ll get tired, grab a bo-bo and take a nap. Back to the issue.

Today I am disappointed by the game I love to watch. The NFL owners, worried about losing money, chose the wrong side and chose it fast. Guess what billionaires? More of your customers support Trump and the American Flag than your unpatriotic spoiled brats. Then the games started. First up were the Jags and the Ravens. Many of these multi-millionaire spoiled rotten little defecation-nuggets (new term, feel free to use it to your delight) knelt during our anthem but stood during the British anthem. I wonder how quickly the President can expand on the travel-ban. I am sure they can all make their millions in Europe. Then the pre-game shows started. More millionaires paid to talk about sports throwing little tantrums. Is them afwaid them’s little friends may get them’s feewings hurt?

And then the “players show of unity” began for the 1:00 games. For those teams that stood with their arms interlocked, I say bravo. 20170924_153218Thank you for making your point while still showing respect for the flag. I am not sure what point you are making, but at least you are making it respectfully. By the way, do you know what point you are making?  For those who knelt (almost half of my own beloved team), you are a disgrace. Please take your millions and leave this country. I am sure you will all be able to find jobs in other countries with those degrees “you earned”. Then you can kneel in front of anyone you want. I am sure you can make money that way. You are replaceable. There are plenty of Americans who would work harder and appreciate the opportunity to make a fortune playing a game. For the Patriots that knelt, you are not worthy to wear the name.

“But Whiggy, this is America. We have freedom of speech. They have a right to kneel.” You are saying.

I agree. They have the right to kneel. They have the right to protest all they want. I have rights as well. I have the right to point out that they are whiny little defecation-nuggets. I have the right to turn off my TV. I have the right to boycott every company that advertises on the NFL. I have the right to organize a vagina march and burn down all NFL stadiums. Oh wait. I’m not a part of the liberal moral aristocracy, I don’t get to do that last part.

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Tantruming Toddlers and Liberals, Oh My!

Friends, when Mini-Whiggy was two years old, he was the perfect mix of angel, explorer, and pure evil demon bent upon the destruction of all those around him. He was a delightfully treacherous adventure every day. It was fascinating to watch him explore his surroundings and test his boundaries. It was challenging to observe him test the rules and his ability to manipulate the environment and people in his life. Like all toddlers his job at two years old was to begin to discover who he was as a separate person from me and Mrs. Whiggy.

Mini-Whiggy’s biggest challenge at that age was that he lacked the vocabulary to express himself and to get his needs met, as well as the behavioral repertoire to do the same. As a baby, all he had to do was cry and we would try to figure out what he needed until the crying ceased. That was simple at first. He had three needs: to be fed, to be cleaned and to be held. As he got older those needs expanded and the same simple cry would not work. So, naturally, he developed several variations of cries. He had a cry for “I am hungry”. He had one for “Change Me”. He also had ones for “Hold me”, “Play with me”, “I want a specific toy”, “I want one of my sisters” and on and on. My favorite cry, though, was “I feel like being an @sshole and watching my puppets dance”. Mrs. Whiggy says he got that from me. I cannot dispute that.

As he got older, his needs got more specific and crying was no longer an effective behavior. He developed words and found that those could get his needs met more efficiently. However, he didn’t have all the words he needed and would often become frustrated. When he got frustrated he fell back upon what had worked for him as a baby, crying. But he had learned that normal crying would not work. He had to up his game. Crying became full on tantrums. His attempts at a good tantrum were adorable. He discovered the joy of throwing toys, throwing himself on the ground and the ever heartening two-year-old-grimace-of-death. I am pretty sure he even tried to put on a vagina costume at one point until he realized how childish that was and how incredibly stupid he looked.

Being good parents, the Mrs. and I knew that the best way to end the tantrums were to make them ineffective. Being a trained psychologist also helped. As did scotch. When his tantrums didn’t work, we helped him find the words he needed. Soon he found that asking for what he wanted got his needs met and the tantrums stopped for the most part. He still tried his tantrums when he couldn’t get what he wanted and when we said no. After awhile though, those petered out as well. So far, he hasn’t tried writing placards and burning down the neighbor’s house. Fingers crossed he doesn’t. They are getting pretty annoyed whenever I do it.

This weekend, Mrs. Whiggy and I were looking through some old pictures of Mini-Whiggy as a toddler and reminiscing about those delightful days. As we were drinking our way through our PTSD the news showed coverage of the most recent “we didn’t get what we want” protests in St. Louis. Then it dawned on me … Liberals are toddlers! They display the same behaviors and a very similar smell.

When Mini-Whiggy didn’t get the food he liked, he threw it on the floor and started screaming. When liberals didn’t get the election results they wanted, they threw away the results and screamed “he is not my president”.  When Mini-Whiggy didn’t get the toy he wanted, he tried to break the toy he had and everything else around him. When the liberals didn’t get the election results overthrown, they trashed banks and cars and whatever else was in their way. When Mini-Whiggy thought something was unfair, he yelled and screamed. When liberals think something is unfair, like oh I don’t know, a court case, they take to the streets, burn buildings and attack police. Seems like toddler behavior to me. However, they aren’t quite as cute.

Although, there is a flaw in my theory. Mini-Whiggy was smart enough to realize that tantrums do not work. They never have, nor will they ever be an effective way of getting what he wants.  Instead, he has learned truly mature skills like cogent arguments based on 7-year-old logic, cuteness manipulation, divide and conquer (his parents) and the ever-effective keeping asking until you say yes or threaten me with being sold into slavery. In short, Mini-Whiggy has learned the skills all adults need to survive. Liberals have not yet learned those skills. They keep tantruming (I get to make up words) and expecting it will somehow work.

Luckily, just like toddlers they have the attention span of brain-injured jelly-fish. Do you remember the occupy movement? They don’t. They saw something shiny among their filth of their blanket forts, got distracted and moved onto another toy. Do you remember what the Black Lives Matter
“movement” was supposed to stand for? Neither do they. They were so fascinated by the fires they lit that they looted some marshmallows, graham crackers and chocolate and started making smores. When the fires went out, they moved onto the next thing. Remember the Million Vagina March? They do too, they just can’t remember what it was about except for how cool it was to play dress-up and go for a long walk with mommy and vagina-daddy. Remember when they liked destroying giant historical action figures because they were upset by them? Apparently, they lost interest when they realized that they had to clean-up their mess or be sent to bed early …in a cage. I wonder what the next tantrum will be about? Because we all know there will be more until we somehow teach them that such behavior is not ok for big boys and girls … and all other 87 gender choices.

Do not fret, my friends: Having raised three children through toddlerhood and having taught numerous parenting classes, I believe I have a solution. Let’s gather the liberals together, put them in a pull-up, give them a binky and a blanky, sing them a lullaby and tuck them in with their favorite stuffy until they grow the F up.

 

(Remember to subscribe! Look its right there …to your right. Go ahead. It wont hurt …much.)

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Chuck and Nancy Topless with Liverwurst

Friends, from time to time Mrs. Whiggy asks me to do projects around the house.  Like all good lazy men, I agree to do as she asks and I show support for her ideas. I simply never specify when I’m going to do what she asks. Often, I need to gather more information, procure supplies and get more people to help. Now, I am not saying that I lie per se. I just use standard delay tactics emblematic of my gender. Uh oh, I think that makes me sexist. Hold on, I need to ask someone … OK, I am back. Apparently, I am not sexist because all negative stereotypes of men are acceptable. Whew, that was close. Where was I? That right, Mrs. Whiggy’s requests.

Well, Mrs. Whiggy is much smarter than am I. When she wants something done, it will get done. Earlier this summer I was very busy contemplating a project request by sitting on the deck with a nice scotch and a cigar. Onto the deck walks Giancarlo, the “handyman” Mrs. Wiggy hired to get that railing fixed. So that you get the full picture, let me describe Giancarlo to you. Firstly, he appears to be allergic to shirts. I have never scene him wear one. Congress has a higher approval level than Giancarlo has body fat. He has an annoyingly perfect tan. Mrs. Whiggy literally ironed my dress shirts on his stomach. Now my shirts smell of him … and the Mrs. requests I wear them everywhere! I mean seriously, you don’t run on the treadmill in a dress shirt! And don’t even ask me about his accent! I am pretty sure its not real. Even the dogs look at him longingly when he speaks to them.

The first time he came over to fix the railing I was annoyed. I was supposed to do things around the house. It is my house damn it! The next few times went too far. I was suspicious when Mrs. Whiggy started to watch him work, but I thought it went too far when she invited her friends over …and sold tickets … and asked me to make appetizers! Soon she started making plans with him for small fixes throughout the house. Then she started designing renovations and additions. Its when they designed a garage that I put a stop to it! I mean, no garage needs a knitting room!

I know what you are thinking “So, Whiggy, what did you do to stop it? Did you confront this Italian tool? Did you lay down the law?”

Well my friends, I am brilliant. Whiggy will always win! The solution was simple enough. I just started doing the projects by myself as soon as I was asked. Sometimes I even did them on my own without being asked! Whiggy shoots and scores! Finally, stuff is getting done around the house and Giancarlo is gone! Now if I can just get Mrs. Whiggy to remove his picture from her bedside table.

“So, Whiggy, you tell fabulous stories, but why did you tell us this one?”

Well, my friends. It’s because I think President Trump has learned a thing from Mrs. Whiggy. The Republican party, in which I claimed membership for more than 25 years have been telling us all since the Obamination took office that they would get rid of Obamacare, secure our borders and cut taxes if ever they were in charge of all three branches of government. Well, guess what? They have been in charge since January and have accomplished approximately nothing except try to avoid looking to be too close to the president. The petty little factions of the GOP have been sitting around sipping scotch and smoking cigars on their own figurative decks. The President has asked them to put together legislation that he could sign …. Nothing. The spineless imps who all signed legislation when they knew President Obama would veto it have now been running for cover under the guise of it not being EXACTLY what they want. I used the same excuse with Mrs. Whiggy. “I don’t know exactly what I want the basement to look like when its done, so I can’t do anything yet.” Like Mrs. Whiggy, Trump has brought in his own version of Giancarlo in the form of Chuck and Nancy. Lets just hope neither of them take off their shirts!

Its funny how quickly the Republicans, led by Paul Ryan and his vapor thin convictions, suddenly appeared behind every podium and in front of every camera to discuss how willing they are to work to get something done. Three leaders from each party joined the President for dinner. I doubt much was accomplished since, not long after, he invited Chuck and Nancy over for Chinese food (racists!) by themselves. The rumors from that were that they had all agreed on a deal about DACA. Uh Oh! Now the Republicans are afraid that President Trump will sell-out completely. While I doubt that will happen, he is a master negotiator after all, perhaps it will get the Republicans to get off their @sses, work together and actually get something done closer to what they want and not what the minority wants.

Here’s the deal: Like Mrs. Whiggy, President Trump wants to get something done. Period. He may not get exactly what he wants or exactly what he thought he could promise, but it will be something and that something will still be better than what Obama left. He understands that he cannot get precisely what he wants. He literally wrote the book on making deals. The toddler-like republicans fighting over how they want their Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches prepared haven’t figured that out yet. If they don’t soon they are about to be served liverwurst served by a topless Chuck and Nancy. No one wants to see that!

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Mini-Whiggy Questions DACA

Mini-Whiggy came home yesterday with a question:

“Dada, what is daka, or deca or dacow?” he queried.

I smiled at his innocence, patted him on the head and started to explain.

“Well, Mini-Whiggy Dachau was a place during World War II where Hitler sent people to be killed because he was an evil man. But you mean DACA. Although, lots of crazy people want to pretend they are the same thing.”

“You mean liberals?” he asked. God, I love that kid!

“Yes buddy, liberals. DACA is kinda hard to explain though. I am not sure you’ll understand.”

“Dada, I am pretty smart. I taught you and Mama how to use Minecraft.”

“Good point. Ok. So, you know that our government has three parts that we call branches. They each have their own chores. The Legislative Branch is made up of the House and the Senate. Their chore is to make laws. The Executive Branch is made up of the President, the Vice President and a bunch of people who work for the President. Their chore is to carryout laws. They make up the rules for how to make people follow the laws. Then there is the Judicial branch.  It is made up of the Supreme Court and a bunch of other judges. Their chore is to interpret laws and …”

Branches_US_gov“Ummm. I know all this already. Remember you used to read me the constitution every night when I was three?” he interrupted.

“I am sorry Buddy,” I apologized, “Sometimes I forget that, even though you are only seven, you are smarter than a lot of people”

“You mean liberals?”

“Yes buddy. So, back to DACA. A long time ago Congress passed laws about how people are allowed to move to the United States. They made a bunch of rules that people had to follow. If they followed those rules, they could come to the United States and someday become Americans.” I explained. “Then, our last President …”

“You mean Obama?”

“Yes …” I replied.

“Remember that time when people said he could be President again and you cried, and drank lots of your adult juice and told me all about how some people could fit their heads in their butts? That was funny.” He added giggling.

“Yes. Yes, I do remember that. But let me explain more” I said, “So, Obama decided that he didn’t like parts of the law. Then he told the people who work for him to make new rules that would ignore part of the law for a little while.”

“Why did he do that Dada?” He asked.

“Well, for a few reasons.” I began to explain “First, Obama liked to make everything about what color people were because it helped him get lots of votes. It also got lots of people who think like him lots of votes too.”

“You mean puppets?” Damn, this kid is awesome!

“Yes. But they like to call themselves Democrats or even Progressives…”

“You mean like Flo on TV? She is funny.”

“No. That’s a different Progressive. So anyway, there was an election coming and Obama wanted to help more people who think like him get elected. By ignoring parts of the law, he thought he could make lots of people happy and they would vote for his friends. Second, even though he pretended to be a teacher of the Constitution, didn’t really understand it. He thought the President was a king and could do whatever he wanted. Third, Obama hated America the way it was. He wanted to make a new America.”

“What kind of America did he want?” He asked with rapt attention.

“Oh buddy,” I explained with the care and compassion only a dad can know, “You are not old enough for that part of the story. It is very scary and you need to be able to sleep tonight.”

“OK, Dada.” He conceded “So why is everyone so mad now about DACA. Teacher was crying in school.”

“Well Mini-Whiggy, yesterday President Trump …”

“Remember when people made him president and you laughed and laughed so hard that you peed? That was funny and gross.” He reminded me.

“Yes, it was.” I started my explanation again. “Yesterday President Trump told the people who worked for him that they have to follow the law. Because some people don’t like the law, he gave Congress six months to make a new law if they want to.”

“Wow!” He exclaimed “Six months is a long time. In six months, I will be 8 years-old and the Patriots will have another Superbowl Trophy.”

“That’s very true! But, Congress spends so much time stealing money from people and calling the President names that getting anything done in six months may be impossible.”

“So” He began to summarize, “Congress made a law that people are supposed to listen to. President Obama didn’t like the law so he ignored parts of it. Then President Trump told people they have to follow the law or make a new one. Now lots of people are mad that they have to follow a law that they were supposed to follow anyway?”

“Yup.” I agreed. See the seven year old gets it!

“That’s stupid.” He stated plainly with the wisdom of Socrates.

“Yes, it is Little Man. Yes, it is.”

“Dada, I have one more question. Why are you calling me Mini-Whiggy?”

“Because this is a blog. Its not a real conversation. It’s make believe.”

“Oh” he said, “Like liberal tolerance?”

“Yes buddy. Exactly like liberal tolerance.” I have the greatest kid in the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Whiggy Immigrates

My friends, this may come as a surprise to you, but sometimes Whiggy’s rapier wit and undeniable charm can get him in trouble with Mrs. Whiggy. I know! I too am always shocked when it happens … every day. There was an incident not long ago that I believe has some relevance to today’s political discourse.

Rick McKee / Augusta ChronicleEvery now and then I find it necessary to improve my understanding of other people by walking a mile in their shoes. Not literally. I’m not allowed to do that anymore. People get very upset when you take their shoes. Especially when they don’t know you. And then you do it while they are walking, in public …in the winter…but that’s another story. How can I possibly understand how other think unless I have lived their lives? So, occasionally I find it necessary to do a little immersive method-acting experimentation.

Right after the Million Vagina March I started pondering Antifa. What made them tick? What went through their mind? (that was not a typo – they share a single brain) I decided to find out by becoming Antifa in my house. Mrs. Wiggy was not impressed. I might have gone too far when I lit fire to the couch and spray painted the cat for wearing fur. She totally over reacted and invited me to emigrate.

I had to leave my home land to avoid her oppressive laws that denied me my right to express myself with words …and paint … and a little fire. There I was standing with all my possessions, Mini-Whiggy and my painted cat. I decided to immigrate to my neighbor’s house.  I knew he would be understanding. He was a lesbian who identified as a straight man who dressed as woman. He was also a college professor who taught very popular classes: History, Facts and other Malleable things; and The Industrial Revolution: You Didn’t Build that, Obama Did; and his most popular class Tolerance is for Other People. So, at the risk of my life, I hopped his fence and trudged all forty-five feet to his house. Inexplicably his door was locked. Luckily his windows were not.

The real problems started the next morning. His alarm clock went off and he rolled right over on me! Luckily, the night before, his life-mate whose identification was quite flexible, was deflated in his closet so I could climb right into bed. Quite annoyed at being woken up, I yelled at him to get out of my personal space. Immediately he started peppering me with questions and accusations!

“Why are you in my bed?” he asked rather tersely.

“Umm, because my son has the guestroom and the cat took the couch. Where else was I supposed to sleep?”

“No, why are you even in my house? You are breaking and entering. Get out!”

I was astonished at his complete lack of hospitality. He was constantly posting on social media about all the guests he had at his house for dinners, drinks and flag burnings. I pointed this out to him.

“They were invited or they asked to come over! They had my permission to be in my house!” He retorted rather rudely.

“So now you have to be invited or ask to move into someone’s house? That’s rather fascist. What are you, a racist?” I inquired with the curiosity of Tucker Carlson.

“How am I racist? You are white!”

“Whoa whoa there sister-brother! I am identifying as a Jewish African-American who is identifying as a Muslim Asian. Don’t you put your racist white privilege voodoo on me!”

From there things just went downhill. Arguments were made. Threats were thrown. Names were called. I am pretty sure he called me a sour kumquat at one point. Eventually things calmed down and he went to work. He said something about “be out before I get home, or I’ll call the police”. I knew he was only kidding and he would definitely want me to stay when he realized I would do things around the house that no one wanted to do.

That first day was a busy one. My son and I redecorated the house. Mini-Whiggy is an excellent artist with spray paint for a seven-year-old. We also replaced all the pictures of his parents with pictures of us and our cat (before he was painted – I still feel a little bad about that). I mean, seriously, they were dead. Why did he need pictures of them? We changed the message on his answering machine to both include us and our preferred gibberish language that Mini-Whiggy and I made up when he was three years old. Just because we were in his home doesn’t mean we should change our language. I figured I would teach him our language and make him use it at home. It really was the only fair thing.

He was exceptionally livid when he returned home. Apparently, he did not appreciate the changes we made to “his” home. I reminded him that it was “our” home and that I was sick of being taken for granted. He had the nerve, at that point, to call the police as if there was some sort of law about immigrating to someone else’s house without permission.

“Just calm down,” I pleaded “we can all live together in harmony. You should just put aside your racist elitist views. Now, where is my ATM card for your bank account?”

“Are you crazy? I’m not giving you my money! One, you aren’t even supposed to be here. Two, you haven’t earned it!”

Well, I had heard just about enough of his Nazi propaganda!

“Maybe you don’t know this, but this is a free country! What is your definition of free? To me free means … well free! It means I don’t have to pay for things!”

“That’s not …” He was interrupted before he could continue his sexist anti-Semitic rant by the arrival of the Stasi.

The whole thing was unfair from the start. He explained his fascist views of ownership and “private property” to the police. Then told me I would have to leave or be arrested and thrown into the gulag. Apparently, there are “laws” that people are supposed to follow regarding personal property. Pfft!

“Oh, you just hold on right there! I brought my young son and my rainbow cat with me. This is their home now. He has always dreamed of having a home in which he could practice his campfire skills. You wouldn’t ruin that dream, would you? You wouldn’t kick those little dreamers out, would you? You wouldn’t want to separate our family? That’s just heartless. What, are you Nazi sympathizers?”

The police officer looked at him and said, “I got nothin’”

Right about then, Mrs. Whiggy showed up with the special “Bail Credit Card” and told me I had to go home. I told her that I couldn’t possibly leave my new adopted home and that I would send her money soon.

“And anyway,” I said “Mini-Whiggy has made his home here. No one can make us leave.”

“Honey,” she responded, “Trump is going to make it so we can’t do that anymore.”

“He is going to what? Time to riot!”

 

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A letter to the Moral Aristocracy

Dear Moral Aristocracy,

I would like to start with a heartfelt thank you. If it were not for you, the United States may now be suffering under the imperial rule of Hillary Clinton. Thank you for ensuring that tragedy did not happen. Confused? I’ll explain. If it weren’t for your decades of telling everyone how to live, what to eat, what not to eat, what words to use, what words not to use, how to raise our children, what games our children can play, what humor is acceptable and on and on there would not have been the groundswell of anger that lead to the Trump presidency.

You started innocently enough with trying to cleanse certain words from our language that most would agree are offensive. Then you went a little farther with moronically trying to change words we’ve used for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. Freshman became first year student. Woman became womyn. Moron became liberal. You get the idea. In all your historical ignorance, you decided to call it Politically Correct. The not so subtle message being that, if anyone dared say something that did not fit your ever-changing mold, that person would be “incorrect”. I long for the innocent days when I was only incorrect. Now anyone who strays from the party line is a Nazi, evil, the antichrist or any other number of historically inaccurate comparisons.

Yocommunismu have now graduated on to full on Communist social engineering. “You are doing the same thing by calling us Communists” you are thinking together with your collective Borg-like hivemind.

I agree, with one minor exception. My depiction actually fits the historical record. Do you know from where the term “political correct” derives? Of course you don’t, MSNBC and CNN hasn’t told you yet. It comes from 1930’s Soviet Union.  People understood there were two “realities” at the time. There was what actually was happening and what the communist government wanted people to believe. Therefore, there was what was correct and what was politically correct. Sounds a lot like today. There is what happens in the world and there is what you and your media wants everyone to think is happening. Like the soviet communists, you too want to engineer a social hegemony where you set the rules for everyone’s behavior.

You were doing well for quite a while there too. You controlled congress for 40 some odd years. You developed social programs that drove people to become reliant on the government for their very survival. More people rely on the government now than at any time in our history. Not long after, you gained intellectual control of our education system. Around the same time, you gained intellectual control over the media.

Enough of us started catching on that you could no longer rely on control of congress. Your domination started to wane. Ronald Reagan showed there was a way to be successful without sucking on the teat of government. Suddenly people didn’t need the government. Your response? Full on political correctness. Perhaps you could not completely control government anymore but you could continue to manipulate how people thought and behaved through the media, Hollywood and professorial dictates. Colleges taught us politically correct from wrong and the media covered only what fit your picture of the world. You were making tremendous progress. Once again political and intellectual hegemony were in sight. Then you reached your pinnacle. Your great savior the Obamination was elected in a frenzy of blind political correctness. You and he had control of congress again. You passed the second largest piece of citizen control legislation. Now you control the very health care system that people relied on to survive. Certainly nothing could stop you. But there was a slight wrinkle that you didn’t see in all your historical ignorance.

You see, non-liberals have this annoying thing called free will. I understand that you are unfamiliar with the concept but freewill allows us to think for ourselves and make our own decisions. We get ever so slightly annoyed when you try to assimilate us into your Borg-like mindshare cult. We are big boys and girls (notice the mention of only two genders). We like thinking for ourselves. Sure, it’s a more difficult way of living than yours. Thinking can be hard. You should try it. I bet, that if your tried really hard and practiced for a few years you would like it. Like the citizens of almost every communist government in history, we fought back. Had you not ignored history, you would have seen it coming.

In the years since the Obamination’s coronation we won quite a few skirmishes. We took back the House, the Senate, most of the governor seats and the majority of state governments. The news organization that was most watched is one that is not part of your hive. The most listened to talk radio hosts have not been assimilated. Through all this you did not learn. You didn’t notice the signs because you chose only to see what you want to see.

You put everything into the 2016 election.  Certainly, we would all conform by crowning Hillary Clinton. Undoubtedly your hegemony would be established at last and would be the 1000-year Reich.  After all, you are politically correct.

But then Donald Trump happened. He represented all that you are not. No, openly opposed all that stand for. He was not only politically incorrect, but he flaunted it. He openly called out your attempts at social domination. While you still spoke of the hive he spoke of the needs and desires of the individual worker bee. While you told everyone how they should think and behave, he showed them that they could behave anyway they liked. In short, he took your social engineering playbook and bitch-slapped you with it and then lit it on fire. On November 8th Trump led us to our biggest battle victory of this war for control of the populace you started decades ago. The game had changed. The rules had changed.

And what was your response? Did you learn from your mistakes? Did you realize that you had to scale back your goal of a great American communist state? Nope. You brought doubling down to a whole new level. You threw tantrums like 2-year olds who needed their binkies. You went from the paragons of political correct behaviors to common rioting thugs. You went from trying to legislate historical revisionism to literally demolishing history. As your movement is in its death throes you have become the despots that originally defined your movement. When people won’t assimilate, intimidate.

But keep it up. The more you tantrum, the more our numbers grow. Every time one of you sheds crocodile tears, another patriot is born. Every time you destroy a piece of American history, another patriot is born. Every time you don an oh so appropriate vagina hat, another patriot is born. Every time you call for the impeachment of the President, another patriot is born. Every time you call people with whom you disagree a Nazi, another patriot is born. Every time you burn an American city because you don’t get what you want, another patriot is born.

So, go ahead, keep fighting. Just remember, there are more of us and while you have been eating your gluten-free snowflake vegan hope nuggets in your safe spaces we have been working, learning and preparing for victory.

With any DUE respect,

 

Whiggy

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I Might be a Bad Person but I’m not Alone

I have been a dyed in the wool New England sports fan for my entire life … you are welcome. I am not one of these fair-weather fans that have only liked New England sports since we won 73 titles in a week and a half. I remember the Patriots of the 80’s when they sucked and their 1 and 15 season was considered a triumph. I remember the Great Chicago Raping in Superbowl XX. Hey, don’t get all upset about me using the word “raping”. What would you call it? Richard Dent quite literally made Tony Eason walk bowlegged for the rest of his alleged career. I remember Bill Buckner that $#^&%&#&*^ and %&*&E#* and also %()#(((&! Enough said. I remember the last great decade of the Celtics with the original Big Three and back when the Bruins were perennial heavyweight challengers. They even played hockey now and then.

But rooting for your home team is only part of the New England sports fan legacy. You see, we are …how do I say this? Assholes! Oh, shit did I just swear on national TV? This isn’t national TV? Oh, then who cares? Part of being a New England sports fan is an ingrained hatred for our rivals. In fact, a great deal of the time we hate our rivals more than we love our teams. Especially in those years when our teams suck. The Yankees are the devil. No, the Yankees are the ugly step-sisters of the women the Devil rejects because they are too ugly. Was that sexist? See! The Yankees are sexist too! The Montreal Canadians are the more polite and less tanned version of the Yankees. To this day I cannot go to Montreal without taking a  … in the streets. TMI. Don’t even get me started on the Lakers! I have been wishing for the San Andreas fault to blow since 1986. But, like most Californians it’s too damn lazy. And then there are the Jets. I mean, they are the Jets. What’s to like?

My point is that I was raised as much on hate and loathing as on love and loyalty. Damn, I may need to see a therapist … or at least get on some good drugs. I’ll be right back … in lieu of drugs I have poured myself a nice Lagavulin 16. Ahhhh… What was my point again? Oh, that’s right hate, love, blah blah.

“Whiggy,” you ask yourself “why are you telling us this? And BTW the Patriots suck!”

What have I told you about calling me Whiggy and 5 rings baby!? I’ll let it go this time. I am telling you this my dear readers because I find myself in a similar situation in the political realm right now. I confess, I was not a Trump supporter. While I agreed with many of his policy stances I had a hard time with the way he comported himself. Reagan, to me, was the perfect picture of a President. He was regal and professional even when he was telling us that we were bombing the hell out of the French Embassy … I mean Libya. However, as a good New England sports fan, even when my team isn’t exactly what I want, I still have the capacity to hate the rivals and defend my team.

I equate the Democrat Moral Aristocracy to the Yankees. They both dominated for decades, they had some of the biggest names in the game and they had more money than anyone elsechappaquiddick. Sure, they also both had their share of accused druggies (Darryl Strawberry – Mayor Marion Berry) and rapists (Mel Hall – Bill Clinton) and murderers (Jim Leyritz – Ted Kennedy), most of whom suffered little to no consequences, but they were still both perennial winners for decades. And every time they won another game, won another election or got acquitted of another crime I hated them more and rooted all the more for the Red Sox. Perhaps there was a slight tinge of jealousy as well.

One cannot help but to equate the media to the Montreal teams of old, they were among the dirtiest players in the game, they hated their country, and most couldn’t get jobs doing anything else. Those great Montreal teams, like the modern media, were made up largely (but not completely) of barely literate thugs who could dish it out but ran crying to the refs when they themselves got hit. Every dirty hit, every fake dive, and every protest to the ref led me to hate them more and love the Bruins tenfold.

Fast forward to today. Liberal Yankees still spend a ton of money but they have nothing. Their leadership runs on Viagra and self-masturbation, their big-name players cry when the wind blows sideways and they have no bench. I lost track. Was I speaking of the Yankees or the Democrats? Oh wait, it doesn’t matter. The description fits both perfectly.  The media still acts like thugs, they cheat and lie and they cry like Chuck Schumer whenever anyone takes a shot at them.

And what does that do to me? It makes me root all the louder for President Trump. I laugh hysterically when Chuck Schumer and Van Jones cry. I cheer until I get hoarse when Trump pulls the strings to make the puppets dance. I pay attention to every speech made by Pelosi waiting for her to insert her foot into her oMark-Sanchez-butt-fumble-maddenwn … ummm … mouth. I rapturously watch Abilio “Jim” Acosta dive on the ice and blame Trump for tripping him. The coaches for the moral aristocracy call in play after play and claim victory. Trump forces them into a butt-fumble time and time again. Pure joy.

Does this all make me a bad person? It might, I am not sure. Trump may not be who I wanted to win at first, but I can tell you the democrats and the media have made me root for him to crush them and leave them crying. I might be a bad person but I am not alone.

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Satanic Stilettos of Supremacy

It is time for a coup d’état! Finally, things have gone too far! I looked away when Trump colluded directly with Putin, while riding naked  on horseback with him, to steal the 2016 election. I turned a blind eye when Trump hacked the DNC from his own cell phone. I ignored the burn when he and his Nazi minions used mind control to get Debbie Wasserman Shultz (and every other democrat) to sabotage Bernie Sanders. I turned the other cheek when Trump got a second scoop of ice cream. I even grudgingly accepted his racist rant about unity and finding all violence abhorrent. But this I cannot forgive. I have no further capacity for tolerance. No one has ever been so anti-American! I mean seriously, did you see Melania’s shoes!

I am personally in the debt to The New York Times, USA Today, Vogue, Vanity Fair and Daily News for their brave coverage of this pivotal subject. I, in all my ignorance, thought the devastation of Hurricane Harvey was the important story. I was naively impressed by the good-hearted Texans reaching out to help others in need. I watched as hundreds, no thousands, of people were saved from their roofs and their cars. In all my obliviousness, I missed the important story. How could I be so stupid? It is my own fault for not listening to the moral Aristocracy. I will, most assuredly, never make that mistake again.

I am not sure where I went wrong. After reading the news and following the Moral Aristocracy on Twitter I have found my way. Nine thousand people in a shelter meant for five thousand is trivial. Hundreds of thousands of Americans displaced from their homes is meaningless. Tens of billions of dollars in damage is inconsequential. Multiple deaths cannot compare to the importance of the footwear choice of the President’s wife.

I have no doubt, that if asked, the survivors of this horrific natural disaster would agree that Melania’s stilettos are the real story. Sure, they lost their shoes, clothing and, well, all their possessions, but it is Melania’s shoes that matter. Not since Marie Antoinette said, “let them eat cake” has anyone so insulted her people. No, that was kind compared to wearing those shoes on Air Force One. Perhaps a more apt comparison would be Queen “Bloody” Mary. Although, even the thousands of people she had executed pale in comparison to Melania’s Satanic Stilettos of Supremacy!

My friends, I have seen the light. Like the victims of other shoe wearing tyrants we must rise up! Have no fear, I have called Antifa and the Vagina Hat Brigade.  The torches have been lit. We will march on Washington and we will know enough to wear Birkenstocks!