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An Open Letter to Jeff Zucker

Dear Mr. Zucker,

Normally, my writing is ever so slightly snarky and sarcastic. I like to make people laugh, cry and burn their own houses down, all with the same sentence. However, I will try, in this letter, to be both serious and sincere. (Please know I will most definitely fail.) Although I know you will never actually read this or, if you do, you will not take it seriously, I do truly wish you can make changes and return CNN to the trusted news organization it once was.

Time CNN startI was 9 when CNN first launched. I, of course, did not watch it then, but I do remember my father watching every night. My first true memory was in 1986 during the Challenger disaster. I was sick that day and I stayed home from school. I watched the launch live. I don’t think I moved from CNN for two days. It was around the same time that I began to seriously get interested into news and politics. While my mother loved NBC’s Tom Brokaw, I always thought Bernard Shaw was the smartest man on TV. Well, except for Alex Trebek. I watched the 1988 election returns on CNN. I have watched CNN on election night for every election since …well, until 2012…but I’ll get to that later. It was the first Gulf War though that cemented my obsession with CNN. I remember watching Peter Arnett and Wolf Blitzer and being amazed by how close to everything they seemed. Plus, you had a dude named Wolf who looked like a damned werewolf. How cool was CNN? And then you went the final step towards greatness, you got Darth Vader to announce “This is CNN” 13,000 times a day! I honestly do not remember watching any of the network nighttime news from that point forward. I still don’t. I even remember when MSNBC first tried to compete. That was adorable! They sucked then and they have only gotten worse. Fox News started right around then too. I didn’t even know they existed for another decade. CNN was the undisputed king of news and I was a loyal follower.

Jeff, whenever any major event happened anywhere in the world, I would head straight to CNN. You had the best coverage and seemed to have a reporter in every city and small village on the planet. You always had a bit of a slant, but I just accepted that as a necessary evil of any news program. I never thought it had a major impact on the quality of your coverage. Fox came along with an obvious and admitted bias and did very well. Shortly thereafter, MSNBC decided to compete by admitting their bias and did not do so well. See my previous statement about them still sucking. CNN seemed to play the middle ground. You still proclaimed to do straight news despite your increasingly obvious bias. While your programming quality seemed to decline, I still turned to CNN during any major world event.

I first started to turn away from CNN in 2012. I watched the election night returns with my beloved wife and a few friends of mixed political persuasion. We played a little game wherein we watched CNN, Fox News and MSNBC in 15-minute intervals. Jeff, I was shocked. I had always relied on CNN to be my news network during elections but what I witnessed made me sick. If it weren’t for the remnants of Obama love glistening on Chris Mathews’ lips, I would have said CNN was worse than MSNBC in their liberal bias. Fox News, even with their obvious right bias, was far more honest and balanced than anyone on CNN. My eyes were opened, and it made me sad. It reminded me of the moment I realized my big brother, whom I always worshipped as a child, was actually a moron. The good news though was that while I was stuck with my brother, I could always turn CNN off.

Over the next 4 years I watched CNN decline far more than I ever thought possible. I don’t know if you saw Fox News dominate both in rating and earnings and decided to try to be their counterpoint instead of MSNBC or you just hired a bunch of really shitty excuses for talent. But Jeff, CNN is no longer a news network. You lost your way. You have lost what made CNN great. In a recent survey, 69% of people said CNN was trustworthy. That same survey ranked the most trustworthy news channels as BBC, Fox News and PBS, in that order with CNN almost 20 points behind. Aside from the inherent humor in the number 69, I cannot think of a more damning repudiation of what CNN has become.

With the exception of maybe John King, I cannot think of a single straight news person CNN has left. Even Wolf, once one of the most trusted people in news, has gone off the damn rails! Wolf! That one hurts. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind editorial shows with which I disagree. I like to watch some of those because it tests my own convictions. The problem is that most of your hosts are simply unlikable. Anderson Cooper used to be tolerable, but he seems to have grown an ego not commensurate with his talent. Don Lemon is just plain stupid. Seriously Jeff, he’s not smart enough to host the Puppy Bowl. Chris Cuomo always looks like a little rich boy forced to sleep on 250 thread count sheets in a Motel 6. Change his name to Chris Jones and he might barely have the talent to be a fry-cook at White Castle. Brian Stelter … well … he’s that dude that you just want to punch in the face. Ok, I realize that’s not a good critique and has nothing to do with his talent, but seriously he might be the most punchable person on TV. I get that several of them are hosts and are not expected to be fair straight journalists, but CNN truly loses it when it comes to Abilio Acosta. He is supposed to be a journalist. He is supposed to do straight news. Jeff, he is a douche of epic proportions! And I don’t think I am being hyperbolic here. He is such a douche that even Massengil could not use him as a spokesperson because he would give douche a bad name. He has done nothing for the past two years but share his opinion and whine that other people have noticed his extreme douchiness.  If you think he has talent, give him his own opinion show and see if any sentient being on the planet would watch, but please, for the love of all things journalistic, remove him from the White House. It should be easy. I’m pretty sure he is a douche of the disposable variety.

I told you I would fail at trying to avoid sarcasm and snark. Back to being serious and sincere (although I am sincere about Abilio’s douchiness). Jeff, you can save CNN with a few simple steps. 1) Admit that CNN has lost its way and commit to returning to your roots; 2) Fire Don Lemon and replace him with someone right leaning to add some balance to your editorial shows. (Don probably won’t notice because he is dumber than a taco); 3) Take advantage of Abilio’s douche nature and dispose of him. (But, not in a toilet. My plumber told me that’s bad for the plumbing.) Replace him with an actual journalist.

If you take those three steps, I promise you will get this formally loyal viewer back and probably a million more.

With respect (despite my snark),

 

Whiggy

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Whiggy is back and the Sky is Still There!

Friends, I know its been a long time. Before I begin I must thank you all for your heartfelt messages and that search party you sent to find me. Many people were lost in that search and I will never forget their sacrifice. What? Oh no … I don’t mean they were killed. I mean they were literally lost. But come-on! Did you really think the best way to find me was a pub crawl in Glastonbury? I don’t even live there! I live on a completely different continent! I give you credit for the pub crawl idea (I’ve been known to occasionally attend a pub function or two) but at least search within 2000 miles of my last known location!

I am sure you have wondered where I have been. Friends, after watching, listening to and reading CNN, MSNBC, NBC, CBS, ABC, PBS, NPR, The New York Times, USA Today, the Douche Bsky fallingag Gazette (sorry I already mentioned The New York Times) and my local supermarket flyer, I decided that I had to protect myself and my family from disaster. These wonderful and completely unbiased organizations made it clear that the sky was falling. Now Whiggy isn’t a genius, but he can do basic math. If 14,363 out of 14,366 new organizations say the sky is falling, then the sky is obviously falling. I mean, that many people can’t be wrong!

So, I took myself, my family, the dogs, the cat, the fish, the damn bird, and our survival supplies and moved into a bunker. We cut ourselves off from all news and social media because I knew I wouldn’t be able handle watching the sky fall upon the world. It would be better to just let the world end. Eventually we would return to the ruins and try to rebuild. Well, eventually came pretty quickly. Have you ever spent months alone with your family in a single room without TV and only Hillary’s book for entertainment? At first things were great, we had fantastic conversations, we shared the Whiggy family history, we played Rummy 3 million, we ate the bird and we shared laughter when Hilllary told us “What Happened”.  Her book is hilarious (see what I did there?) the first few times you read it, but eventually it causes signs of the stigmata on anyone touching it for prolonged periods of time. Yes, things were great to begin, all stigmata aside, but then tragedy struck! We ran out of scotch and cigars! Death be damned, we had to return to the world, assess the damages, start rebuilding … and get new scotch and cigars.

When we returned to the world, we were stunned by what we found. Friends, the sky was still there! Not only was it there but it was blue and the sun was shining. We thought perhaps we had all died and gone to heaven. But, since we were still out of scotch and cigars, I knew we were not in heaven. Something was wrong.

We held a quick family meeting to plan and prioritize. While I ran out for scotch and cigars, the family moved everything up from the bunker, cleaned the house, bought food, watched the news, logged into social media, researched the past few months and put together a 45-minute Powerpoint presentation with no damn animation! I returned two days later to attend the presentation. Here are some of their findings:

 

  • The moral aristocracy warned that Trump was racist and sexist. They said he would create policies that would hurt minorities and women. But the Whiggy researchers found that the unemployment rate is below 4% for the first time since 2000. Black unemployment is at its lowest rate in recorded history as is the Latino unemployment rate. The female unemployment rate is the lowest since 2000. But … but …I thought Trump was a racist, sexist misogynistic puppy eating Hitler. Why would he make policies that would help people he hated? Surely this was an anomaly.
  • The moral aristocracy warned that Trump would ruin the US economy and, that in turn, would ruin the world economy. The US economy grew nearly 3% in Q4 and 2.3% in Q1. These numbers aren’t spectacular, but they are showing growth and are far from ruining the economy. Consumer confidence is skyrocketing. Production is up. The stock market is up. Unemployment is down and millions of jobs have been created. Oh, and the US showed the largest one-month tax surplus in history in April. I’m so confused. I guess Trump just got lucky …twice.
  • The moral aristocracy warned that Trump dropping the TPP, renegotiating NAFTA and placing tariffs on Chinese goods would cause a trade war and thus ruin the economy. Oddly, in March, the trade deficit fell slightly in March, exports were up 2% and imports were down 1.8%. Canada and Mexico have both said they feel like negotiations on NAFTA are going well. China, while in a “mine is bigger than yours” contest with the US, are not putting tariffs on anything of vital importance. In other words, they are fighting this “trade war” the way the French fight all wars … limply with bad accents. But, since we know the media and liberals are smarter than us, maybe the world-wide economic collapse caused my Trump is just delayed.

 

OK, so maybe the moral aristocracy got a couple of things wrong in terms of the economy. Or maybe the doom they foretold is just delayed. They have made ever-so-slight, barely noticeable time-line miscalculations before. Just look at the Global Climate Greenhouse Warming Change debate. According to renowned and unquestioned genius Al Gore, we should all be underwater and simultaneously on fire right now. No doubt he was right … but only off by a few thousand millennia… or maybe he was thinking of Mars. Either way, the science is settled.

“But Whiggy,” you say, “Certainly, the moral aristocracy would not make the same sort of honest mistakes about anything else.”

Oh friends … the Whiggy researchers also looked into the claims of impending nuclear war, one of the main reasons for our bunker vacation. They found the following:

  • The moral aristocracy made it clear that President Trump would cause a nuclear war by moving away from the policy of Bend-Overs and Reach-Arounds with North Korea utilized by previous administrations. According to the moral aristocracy: The North Koreans would use their huge arsenal to really really hurt our left shin; The Chinese would support their bestest little brother and send an army of samurai against us with swords made of high quality Chinese steel; Russia would ally with the Chinese (even though all Russians are really super-secret-BFFs with Trump) and launch their modern 1987 military juggernaut against us; Our allies would abandon us; and the French would surrender to Vermont. It is the fear of this great war that sent the Whiggy clan deep into our bunker. You can imagine my shock when I found out that the Koreas agreed to start the proceeding to formally end their 68-year war, Kim Jong Un released 3 American prisoners and Trump and Kim Jong Un will be meeting to discuss de-nuclearization, hot chicks and the future North Korean McDonalds franchises. There was no word on to whom the French had surrendered. When Mini-Whiggy reached out for comment, the French immediately surrendered. Mini-Whiggy is now the King of France.
  • The moral aristocracy also claimed that President Trump’s tough talk about ending the Iranian nuclear deal would instantly hand Iran a nuke and turn all our allies against us. The moment he signed the documenting removing US support from the Iran Nuclear Deal, Chuck Schumer, who never supported the deal, stated that it would make the North Korean negotiations much harder. Hours later, the North Koreans released 3 American prisoners into the custody of the Secretary of State. Imagine if it would have been easy?! In fairness, most of our allies are throwing tantrums at the moment. Perhaps the liberals and media will get this one right and they’ll go it on their own. It worked well for them during WWI and WWII … oh wait.

Ok, so, they were wrong about the economy and WWIII, but surely the sky still fell a little. I don’t want to think I cashed my retirement in for 3 tons of rice and beans for no reason at all! Mrs. Whiggy was not impressed. Luckily, she hasn’t checked hers since we returned … she doesn’t even like chickens … or goats …

  • I called my best friend. He is gay and claimed, upon the election of President Trump, that Trump would restrict his civil rights and Pence would put him into a re-education camp to cure his homosexuality. Surely those things have happened…Nope. The only thing he had to complain about was Trump banning Transsexuals from the military. “Dude, are you Trans?” I asked him. Nope. “Do you want to be in the military?” Nope. “Do you know anyone who is trans and wants to be in the military?” Nope. “How long has the military allowed the trans?” No idea. “Then why the hell do you care?” “Because Trump is homophobic.” My head hurt. I put down the phone and walked away. That was 4 hours ago. I think I can still hear him complaining.
  • The moral aristocracy foretold of Hispanics and blacks being round up and put into jails for no reason. Civil rights would be set back “hundreds of years”. So far, no such round-up has been held. In fact, the President’s approval rating from both groups have been rising at a greater rate than among all other groups.
  • The moral aristocracy stated unequivocally that the Trump campaign colluded with the Russians to tell the truth about Hillary and the DNC and to put out fake news on FB and Twitter to fool moronic Americans into voting against Hillary. They had no doubt that Trump would not last a year. He was most definitely going to be impeached and then, due to some sort of voodoo, Hillary would be named President. Apparently he is still President and Hillary is still on her comedy tour promoting her book.

 

Friends, Whiggy is confused and a little embarrassed, not to mention, I have no idea how to explain to Mrs Whiggy why we own a refurbished Hungarian tank from WWII. Not only has the sky not fallen, but things seem to be going pretty damn well. I have to go check CNN to see why things are going so well. They must be embarrassed that they got things so wrong

bunker

OH MY GOD! I JUST WATCHED 10 MINUTES OF CNN …THE SKY IS FALLING! BACK TO THE BUNKER!

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Whiggy Dreams of Mueller

Friends, let me tell you about a dream I had last night (no, not that kind of dream! What are you, a Hollywood producer?):

In my dream, there was an African American (Rebel Ricky) accused of industrial espionage. The allegations against him stated that he worked with a competitor (Soviet Sales) to undercut and destroy another competitor (She Devil, Inc.) by manipulating customers with false advertisement. Because this alleged crime crossed state and international borders, the FBI got involved with the investigation. In fact, a special investigative team was put together to examine this alleged crime. She Devil, Inc. had a very close, if not incestuous, relationship with the US media. Most of the media were stock holders in She Devil, Inc. and many created a church based on its mystical powers of invulnerability. It was clear to many of She Devil’s followers that it had God like powers. She Devil products had the ability to make otherwise intelligent people into blathering idiots. She Devil products had the power of invisibility. Huge swaths of customers could not see the damage done by its products. She Devil products could kill people and make the police and customers see the deaths as suicide and botched robberies. She Devil products made the media, henceforth referred to as JJEN (Judge, Jury and Executioner News), intellectually masturbate on screen all the while claiming neutrality. Their products truly were God like in the tradition of Jim Jones and Marshall Applewhite.

When asked what crimes were being investigated, the FBI stated that they were looking at collusion between Rebel Ricky, Inc. and Soviet Sales. When asked if there was any evidence of collusion, the FBI stated that there was none but, since She Devil, Inc. lost a major government contract, there must have been something illegal going on. A spokesperson for She Devil, Inc. stated the lack of evidence is precisely why an investigation was needed. JJEN claimed Rebel Ricky’s guilt from the start. 127.6% of coverage was negative against Rebel Ricky. They claimed his products were evil going as far as saying they raped goats and ate babies. Additionally, a subsidiary of She Devil, Inc hired a monkey to sit in a room in Moscow and throw feces at a wall covered with various salacious behaviors.  A group of college students wearing black Gucci torn clothing took a break from burning buildings and went into the room to write down each behavior. Using the list, they alleged Rebel Ricky had performed all these behaviors and then called it a Dossier. That Dossier was given to the FBI by a man, known as the Ancient One, who was passed over for the CEO position for which Ricky was appointed. The FBI used that Dossier as justification to perform anal cavity searches on all Rebel Ricky’s customers.

The FBI put together a Dream Team investigative unit sparing no expense. Of the 476 investigators they hired, 475 of them were customers and true-followers of She Devil, Inc. In a show of balance, one person on the team purchased one of Rebel Ricky’s products that one time…as a gift…for a secret Santa tradition…for a co-worker he hated. JJEN instantly claimed the team to be unbiased. I mean, they did have that one dude. The team worked hard to investigate every orifice of anyone who had ever worked with Soviet Sales, knew anyone related to Soviet Sales, read the name Soviet Sales, knew anyone who read the name Soviet Sales, read an article by JJEN about Soviet Sales or used two words in a row that began with the letter “S”. After 17 years of investigation two people had been indicted. One was indicted for taking three pennies from the Leave-a-Penny-Take-a-Penny tray at the 7-11 in 1987. Another was indicted for lying to the FBI about ordering a Coke at lunch. He had actually ordered a Pepsi …a Diet Pepsi. He is expected to be executed by She Devil, Inc. within the next few weeks.

JJEN did its part to help the investigation by being unbiased in there reporting. They had no biases when it came to making allegations. They gave full time to any allegation regardless of how ridiculous it was. In one week they had to retract 3 separate allegations on which they spent 47 straight hours reporting. Perhaps they should have better vetted their sources. I mean, no one ever believed Rebel Ricky could have kept an apartment in the anal cavity of the CEO of Soviet Sales. He is a pretty tall guy.

While no one seemed to care that the investigative team were major stockholders in She Devil, Inc., things started to go poorly for the investigation once a few minor details came to light. One investigator regularly had lunch with an executive from She Devil, Inc. I’m not sure there is a problem there. I mean, he is a stock holder.  Also, his wife worked for the subsidiary that created the Dossier. JJEN justified this relationship by saying …well …nothing. The nothing became harder to maintain when it was reported elsewhere that two of the investigators exchanged texts in which they said something about a meeting with an FBI executive about ensuring that no one bought Rebel Ricky’s products or sabotaging them if they do. Oh, and then there is the part where one of those investigators was responsible for an interview with She Devil, Inc. for an unrelated crime that was made to go away by She Devil, Inc’s mystical invisibility powers. Oh, and that same person is the one who interviewed the executive who lied about Pepsi … DIET Pepsi. Oh, and that same investigator also changed the wording on a report about She Devil, Inc’s alleged crime form “guilty as all hell” to “saint-like mistake due to stress of sexism”. Oh, and that same investigator texted the woman with whom he was having an affair, another investigator, calling Rebel Ricky the “N” word!

Friends, in the world of this dream, fairness and justice always prevails. JJEN, jolted by the use of the “N” word, started to look a little deeper into the investigation. They began to notice subtle hints of bias and unfairness. Clearly an investigator should not have a bias against those whom they investigate. They remembered the OJ trial. They remembered how a jury decided that a detective who once used the “N” word must have been biased and therefore could not be trusted. They started to understand how a Dossier paid for by Rebel Ricky’s competitor may not be the most trustworthy document. Therefore, they began to muse, perhaps the investigation on which it was built was not legitimate. And in an epiphany of biblical proportions, they began to think that perhaps …just maybe…they should not chose sides. Perhaps…just maybe…they should be fair in their reporting.

In this wonderful dream world, I saw an anchor from JJEN stand before the American people and say the following: “My fellow Americans, we are sorry. We were wron…” ERNT ERNT ERNT

My damn alarm!

Perhaps it wasn’t a dream?

I turned on the news: “Trump drinks 27 Diet Cokes a day and eats the hearts of orphan transgendered undocumented visitors.”

DAMN IT! Time to go back to sleep.

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So, you wanna be a racist

Friends, from time to time Whiggy gets approached with requests for advice on how to be cool and fit in. It’s understandable. Who else would you go to for advice other than a middle-aged man who wears a powdered wig and dresses in colonial period clothing? I mean … duh! I help where and when I can. I am, afterall, not an expert on everything.

“Whiggy, how do I get the girl?”

Answer: You don’t. Flirting, asking a girl out or looking at a girl is sexual assault and will lose you your seat in congress.

“Whiggy, what is the origins of the gods in the Iliad?”

Answer: They date back to the Mycenean Period of Greece dating to the 1200’s BC.

“Whiggy, why are liberals so dumb?”

Answer: They are not really dumb. They simply live in a fantasy world devoid of authentic relationships with reality and human understanding.

“Whiggy, how do I be a racist? Everyone else is being called a racist and I am feeling left out”

you-are-racist-olzntbAnswer: This is an excellent question. First, we must clarify the word racist. There are two definitions: the classic definition and the modern definition. The classic definition of racist according to the Oxford English dictionary is: A person who shows or feels discrimination or prejudice against people of other races, or who believes that a particular race is superior to another. Slavery, not allowing African Americans to vote, not allowing African Americans to use the same facilities as Caucasians and calling African Americans by demeaning and disrespectful names are all examples for racism and being a racist. Racism has been around for all recorded history. I suspect it first started when one group of humans came upon another group of humans who looked different from them. Classic racism has led to slavery of persons of all colors. It has lead to wars. And it has led to deep divisions within geographical cultures. Racism is real. Racism has always been real. And, unfortunately, racism will always be real.

Classic racism is something to be taken seriously. It is not a laughing matter. Conversely, modern racism, as defined by the moral aristocracy, has become a joke. Hence this blog post. It is a word thrown around recklessly with astounding frequency. Unfortunately, it has taken focus away from true racism and diverted both energy and resources.

Modern racism, while tangentially related to the classic version, is a different concept. Modern racism is a weaponization of language meant to throttle disagreement with the philosophical pillars of the moral aristocracy.

With those two definitions in mind, let us get back to the question. Being a classic racist is pretty straight forward: just be a hateful, ignorant moron. However, I do not believe that is what my reader was asking. I believe he was asking how to a modern racist. That requires a slightly more nuanced answer.

There are five steps to being a modern racist:

  • Be white. According to modern racist thought, being born white makes you at least 75% racist from the onset. It’s the moral aristocracy version of Original Sin. If you are white, you are responsible for the sins of ancestors.

“Whiggy, can people who are not white be racist?” you ask.

Good question. In the United States, modern racists orthodoxy would say no. A person who is not white cannot be racist. My African American friends cannot be racist because they are victims of what their ancestors suffered and are, therefore, just evening the scales. There are exceptions to this that I will describe later. My Hispanic friends also cannot be racist. I am not sure why but I think its because they are a minority portion of American society and only those in the majority can be racists. I will have to put a team of investigators on it. My Asian friends also cannot be racist despite the light color of their skin. I have a team of investigators on that already.

  • Be a Republican or right-leaning independent. Loosely translated into the language of the moral aristocracy, Republican means “Evil racist”. A democrat cannot, by definition, be racist. Interestingly, being a Republican also changes the color of your skin. The orthodoxy of modern racism states that any African American who choses to be a Republican, instantly becomes white. Therefore, in an exception to #1, that person becomes a racist.

“But Whiggy,” you ask “What about the history of the Democratic Party? Doesn’t that matter?”

Silly, ignorant, racist reader. History does not matter when it doesn’t fit the current mythology espoused by the moral aristocracy. Sure, it was the Democrats that most supported slavery. Sure, it was the Democrats that made it their platform to have majority rule regardless of trampling on the rights of the minority. Sure, it was the Democrats that counted black slaves as 3/5 of a person. Sure, it was the Democrats that systematically wiped out the Native Americans. Sure, it was the Democrats that opposed civil rights. Sure, it was the Democrats that supported segregation. Sure, it is the Democrats that support a system that makes people of lower means increasingly reliant on the government for survival. All those things are true, but none of those things matter. History has not be revised, it has been ignored. My friends, those in the moral aristocracy cannot be and have never been racist for one reason and one reason only: Because they say so.

  • Support law enforcement. According to modern racism orthodoxy, all law enforcement is, at its core, racist. In fact, it could be argued that all laws are racist because they disproportionally enforced.

“But Whiggy, aren’t laws in place to make everyone safe?”

No, that’s racist. The moral aristocracy clearly states that all laws were put in place by white men to keep all non-whites down. Remember, you are required by the rules of the moral aristocracy to ignore all of history and the previous laws passed by democrats. Laws are disproportionally enforced on African Americans and Hispanics. Period. End of story. Therefore, if you support law enforcement, you are supporting racism and are, thus, a racist.

“But Whiggy, aren’t the laws also disproportionally broken by …”

Stop it! That’s using logic. Using logic is racist.

  • Support or Not Support African American or Hispanic artistic expressions (Republican Only Rule). It is cultural appropriation to like or create and artistic expression from any race other than your own. Cultural appropriation is racist. Likewise, it is racist to not like and support the cultural expressions of races other than your own. It shows you are close-minded and you hate anything non-white.

“But Whiggy, that makes no sense!”

Hey! Stop being racist. The moral aristocracy has said it, therefore it is so. Oh, I forgot to add one more piece. It is racist not to invest in traditionally African American or Hispanic neighborhoods. Not investing clearly shows you want to keep them down. Investing in the same neighborhoods is also racist. It leads to gentrification. Gentrification is racist.

  • Disagree with a liberal … about anything.

“Ok Whiggy, now you are just sounding crazy.”

The moral aristocracy has deemed that anyone who disagrees with their orthodoxy is a racist. This extends to any disagreement with a liberal. Read the news. If you voted for Trump, you are a racist. If you support tax reform, you are a racist. If you make Chuck Schumer cry, you are a racist.

Try it yourself. Talk to a liberal … about anything. Ask them for their opinion on a subject as far away from a race issue as you can find. There is a 96.7% chance they will call you a racist within 7 minutes. Go ahead try it. It’ll be fun. Then you will be called a racist just like everyone else who does not bow to the moral aristocracy.

So, there you have it: 5 easy steps to being a racist. And remember, Whiggy is always here for advice!

Happy racism!

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#deportcalifornia

Friends, when Whiggy was a young aspiring PC assassin he found a young homeless puppy. I named that puppy Sonny. That puppy was an adorable golden retriever all fluffy and sweet. He came to our family later than our other pets, but he quickly became a part of the family. Not only was he laid back, he was absolutely beautiful and would lick just about anything. Sonny was glorious. Unfortunately, as time went by, the love we all had for Sonny went straight to his head. He began to ignore all his housetraining. He began to chew on furniture and shoes. He ate the cat’s food. He defecated on my dad’s bed while he slept. Most egregiously, he often came home with stray dogs he found down on South Street. Whenever we kicked the strays out of the house, Sonny growled, tore the couch apart and tried to run away. We loved Sonny. He was a part of the family, but he needed to follow the rules. Sadly, one day Sonny brought home a very aggressive dog. We had already kicked that dog out many times. This time that flea-ridden stray killed my sister’s cat. It was clear that both the mongrel stray and, much to our regret, Sonny had to leave. My father brought the filthy mongrel stray to the pound. We struggled with what to do with Sonny. Do we let him run away and then lock the door behind him? Do we bring him to the pound? Do we let our North Korean neighbor use him for target practice? We anguished for days. Finally, we brought Sonny to live with our drunk uncle Elber. We never saw either of them again.

CALEXIT-1024x576
Photo Credit: netadvisor.com

Friends, California has become Sonny. They let strays in (start melting snowflakes), their actions lead to deaths of people who live and belong here, and they are shitting all over our laws.  The liberals from the Golden State have been threatening to run away using the hashtag #calexit. Friends, we should not allow them to run away. We need to kick them out. #deportcalifornia

“But Whiggy” you argue, “we can’t let them go. It would destroy our economy. California is important for a lot of things.”

Have you no faith in Whiggy? I have a plan:

  • First, every military base, as it is in other foreign countries, will remain sovereign United States territory.
  • All US Military equipment used by the California National Guard will be repossessed.
  • The ports of Los Angeles, Longbeach, and Oakland will be officially annexed, named US military bases and considered sovereign US territory.
    • Travel corridors from those ports into the United States will also be annexed. They will be equipped with superhighways and high-speed transits trains.
  • Any electrical services, oil pipelines and water that originate in the US will be cut off. If the People’s Republic of California would like to purchase those services, they may negotiate new contracts.
    • President Trump will personally handle the negotiations.
  • As an act of humanitarianism, after water from the Colorado River is cut off, Chuck Schumer will be sent to southern California. His tears should provide enough water for at least a month.
  • Any dam, bridge and waterway created by the US Corps of Engineers will be destroyed and the land will be returned to its natural state.
  • All patents originally registered in the United States will become the property of the United States.
    • Any US Companies wishing to own those patents may purchase them from the government.
    • Any Republic of California companies wishing to purchase can bid with a 40% annual tariff.
  • Any product The People’s Republic of California would like to sell in the United States would be met with an 80% tariff.
    • It would become illegal to possess, grow or consume avocados in the United States.
  • All travel into the United States from the PRC would be suspended for one year.
  • After the one-year moratorium on travel, all citizens of the PRC would be required to have a passport and to submit to extreme vetting.
  • All current illegal immigrants in the 49 states would henceforth be deported to The People’s Republic of California.
    • #MAGA will be tattooed on their face in order to better identify them if they try to re-enter the US.
    • If they re-enter illegally they will be immediately returned to the PRC … via catapult.
  • Every inmate in all US prisons will given the option of getting out of prison by renouncing their US citizenship and being deported to the PRC.
    • They will likewise be tattooed.
    • They will likewise be returned if they try to return … via catapult.
  • California’s congressional delegation will be named enemies of the state and expelled from the United States.

“Hold on Whiggy! What about the Patriots living in California?”

Have faith…

  • Any current US citizen that would like to remain a US citizen would be welcome to move to the United states.
    • They would each be reimbursed for their property loss at the market price for they state they are moving to.
    • The will be required to prove that they burned their homes to the ground and urinated on the ashes. The only form of proof that will be acceptable is a youtube video posted on the “Bye-Bye Liberal Idiots” channel. The channel will require a one-time $1 payment to be viewed.
    • They would be given a one-year break from paying US federal taxes.
  • Those choosing to move to the US would have to be equally distributed among the 49 states.
  • After a period of no less than five years, the People’s Republic of California may petition to return to the United States as a territory with no representation in either the House or the Senate.
    • In order to submit a petition, they must have voted with 80% of voters voting for the measure. A turnout of 80% will also be required.
    • A petition by a smaller sub-region within the PRC will also be considered.
  • After a peaceful period of 25 years as a territory, the PRC or a smaller sub-region will be considered for statehood following the guidelines laid out in the Constitution.

Feel better?

“Yes Whiggy. We love your plan. Let’s make it happen!”

Why thank you. I love my readers.

Oh, and by the way there is a tremendous gift for all true patriots built into this plan: California’s congressional seats and their electoral votes will naturally and constitutionally be redistributed, based on population, across the remaining 49 states. The influx of patriots from the PRC, equally distributed, would ensure that no Democrat would ever become President again. Likewise, the House and Senate would never be controlled by democrats again. You are welcome.

Think we can get it done by Christmas? #deportcalifornia

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Presumed Innocence is Dead: The Bright Side

Friends, way back, in a different era, before we knew sexually assaulting and/or raping women was wrong, in the ‘90s, TV was dominated by The Trial of the Century. The OJ trial was on TV 27 hours every day. As a result, we saw a proliferation of crime-based TV dramas. I have to be honest with you here: Whiggy hates that crap. Each show has the same predictable plot points, sparkly pseudoscience and cookie-cutter characters. I would rather watch The Pelosi give an interview than watch that tripe! Oh wait, that was a bad example. Watching The Pelosi forget who she is in the middle of an interview is hilarious! A more apt comparison would be watching Al Franken apologize again. Nope. Those are funny as hell too. Let me see here… Hmmm … Oh I got it! I would rather watch CNN talk about shoes and pie than watch TV crime dramas. See what I did there? I would rather watch overpaid immoral liberals disgrace themselves, the country and what used to be a respected institution than watch a single TV crime drama. It all started when I was a young lad of ….

“Whiggy, there you go again,” you are saying. “Get to the point.”

You know, your impatience is getting really annoying. I like telling stories. But, OK, I’ll get to the point.

Today I am rejoicing! Halleluiah! Praise the Lord! Allah Akbar! Praise be to Satan! and all that stuff. The day of the crime drama is over! There will be no more Law and Order. There will be no more Cagney and Lacey (shut-up I am old). There will be no more Crimes of the Century. We are free. Rejoice one and all!

“Whiggy …point?”

Wow, you guys are a bummer!

These shows are all dead, my friends, because they no longer have relevant material. They are outdated. Their subject matter has evaporated.

“Ah,” you say, “because the real/fake news is more interesting and even more unbelievable.”

That’s pretty presumptuous of you. This is my blog. I’ll make my own points. Plus, while factually accurate, your point is incorrect. No, their material is irrelevant the way making a show about Americans dying of Polio is irreverent. It no longer happens. These shows rely on the fact that we have a justice system and that justice system is built on the presumption of innocent. That system is gone. Now the shows would consist of two scenes:

Scene the First:

Woman: He assaulted me.

Social Media: Guilty!

The presumption of innocence has been eradicated by a vaccine. That vaccine is the mixture of politically motivated news corporations and politically motivated social media. The discovery of this miracle cure will go down in history.  Just like the greats who lead the way, Al Gore and Barack Obama, the creators of this vaccine will surely win a well-deserved Nobel Prize for Peace or bullsh@t rhetoric. I am not sure what they call it now.

Friends, the media has become the prosecutor and judge. Social media is the not-so-secret jury. There are no more allegations. There are only guilty verdicts. The scary thing about this is that it is actually an improvement! Back in the Days of Old, before we knew attending meetings in our underwear was inappropriate, the 90’s, only one side was always guilty. Allegations against anyone on the right were not allegations. They were verdicts of guilt. Allegations against anyone on the left were part of a vast right-wing conspiracy. Evidence did not matter. Those on the left were always innocent …. I’m mean …Duh! A dead body found in the White house? Pfft! That was clearly a suicide! Thousands of FBI files of those on the right found in the First Lady’s office? Lupita (I’m racist) must have moved them from a secure facility to the First Lady’s office so she could vacuum. Rape settlements? Pishaw! All, part of the vast right-wing conspiracy. A stain on a dress? Umm.. well … “I have sinned” I can’t believe people care about the resident’s sex life. All forgiven!

The improvement is that now, all allegations against any man, left or right, for any sexualized or flirtatious behavior is not just a guilty verdict, but also treated the same as gang rape of nuns on the Vatican alter during a children’s mass. Finally, the media has become fair…ish. The first step was to admit that anyone on the left can be guilty of any crime. Now, we just need them to look for equal punishment. Roy Moore is accused of horrible and disgusting behavior 40 years ago with no proof and no contemporaneous reports and he should drop out of a race, because we all know Alabama voters are too stupid to find him guilty without a trial or, at least, deeper investigation. Bill Clinton settled a rape suit and was accused of several more sexual assaults and he was only a target of the vast right-wing conspiracy. But that was ancient days, when we did not know it was wrong to masturbate and shower in front of employees. You know …the 90’s. Now, the left has seen the light. If only they knew back then that men on the left should rape and assault women like they finally do now, they would have suggested by resign. Thank God, we didn’t know that it was wrong for men on the left to drive off a bridge drunk and leave a woman for dead back in 1969.

Scene the Second:

Woman: He should be punished.

Social Media: He is republican, he should be drawn and quartered.

Social Media: He is a democrat, bring him before the ethics committee and put a firmly written letter into his file for 90 days!

The death of the TV crime drama is not the only good thing to come from this new-found freedom from due process. No indeed. Friends, you are about to witness history. If the death of presumed innocence will destroy the TV crime drama genre, I think we can take down the MSN. Grab a beverage. Have a seat. Relax and witness history in the making.

I, Whiggy, make the following (false, but that doesn’t matter) allegations:

  • Rachel Maddow once sexually assaulted a kitten while Chris Mathews recorded it.
  • Joy Reid ate the kitten.
  • Wolf Blitzer makes his staff give him a bath in a public doggy wash once a week.
  • Christiane Amanpour blow-dries Wolf Blitzer after his bath and makes the interns watch.
  • Martin Bashir fondles coconuts in front of the camera during commercial breaks.
  • Lester Holt insists that all his aides wear The Flash Underoos and tell him about it in detailed haikus.
  • Keith Olbermann rapes himself every morning.
  • Joe Scarborough has consensual sex with Mika Brezinski and is happy about it.
  • Anderson Cooper acted inappropriately with a camel during the election.
  • Jorge Ramos ate the camel.
  • Abilio “Jim” Acosta uses Capybara as love slaves.
  • Brian Williams eats the leftover Capybara.
  • Dom Lemon continually asks Asian trans women is they want to taste is tartness.
  • Connie Chung … is an angel! Leave her alone!
  • Anna Navarro once ate a baby.
  • Shepard Smith was that baby.

And there you go! Please feel free to add your own with the hashtag: #fakeallegethis and the disclaimer: (Fake Allegation) And then spread far and wide. Soon they will all be instantly fired. The MSN, as we know it, will collapse. Rejoice one and all!

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Thankful to be Whiggy

Friends, it is common practice to think about what we are thankful for on this day. I am no different … well I am, but not when it comes to this! I hope you will indulge me in a little Whiggy Time:

I am thankful for my three amazing children. They never cease to amaze me with their accomplishments, their drive, their hearts, and their ability to think for themselves and see through the liberal curtain thrown over their heads every day. They are loving, thoughtful, caring, positive, talented and independent. No father has been more blessed than I.

I am thankful for Mrs. Whiggy. No husband can be prouder of his wife. Her accomplishments are beyond measure, yet she has remained humble throughout. She is my best friend, my partner, my biggest pain in the butt (don’t tell her) and the love of my life. I know I do not deserve her, but I strive to be a better husband and person everyday just to get a little closer to deserving.

I am thankful for the opportunity to write this blog. I cannot tell you the thrill I get from the positive feedback. Even from some of the not so positive feedback. I love being me, being honest and being ever so slightly a wise-@ss. I have stopped political conversations on Facebook for many reasons (Please share on Facebook). Here I get to say what needs to be said without fear of retribution or losing fake friends.

I am thankful for a job that allows me to support my family comfortably as well as pay for two kids in college all the while contributing something to society in a positive way. Every day I know that I am doing good for the world.

I am thankful that I have so many friends who are willing to engage in friendly political debate without getting personal. I am especially thankful for my many liberal friends who, while wrong in every way, make concerted efforts to back-up their arguments in an intelligent and informed manner.

I am saddened that both of my parents have passed but I am undyingly thankful and grateful that they saved me from a world of abuse, pain, neglect and rejection when they adopted me as an 11-year-old. They taught me to love, to forgive and to take responsibility when warranted. My mother taught me to swear at the TV during sports because it helps. My father taught me to swear and throw things when building/fixing things because it helps as well. They were not perfect, but they were perfectly what I needed.

I am thankful for the tumultuous childhood I had. I would not wish my experiences on my worse enemy, but I would not change any of it. Not the physical, sexual and mental abuse, not the neglect and malnourishment as a baby and not the abandonment. Those things made me who I am. I learned who I was and who I never wanted to be. Those experiences gave my children a better father and my wife a better husband.

I am thankful that I was wrong about Donald Trump. While I still am not the biggest fan of HOW he does things, I am a big fan of what he is doing. I love having a President again, who loves our country and wants to tear down the moral aristocracy.

Finally, I am thankful to have been born in this great country. I have been blessed to see the very worst we have to offer and the very best. These things have made me appreciate everything we have to offer. A day does not go by that I do not thank the Lord that I am an American.

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Weinstein, Moore and Franken walk into a bar …

Friends, I have been avoiding writing about all the sexual harassment allegations mostly out of disgust and because its not funny: Weinstein, Moore and Franken walk into a bar … just won’t end well. The subject doesn’t really lend itself well to jokes and sarcasm. Well, it does but only in a highly inappropriate, tongue-in-cheek, locker-room talk sort of way.  Whoa …whoa … whoa … don’t get all judgy with me. If you are a guy (that means a person born with a penis and identifying as a male member of society with a penis) there’s a pretty good chance that you have been watching the news lately, looking back over your past behavior and wondering if you will have to issue the newly formed deny-pology where you both deny the parts of the behavior that can’t be proven and apologize for the behaviors that can. And hold on a minute, ladies, you shouldn’t get judgy either.  I’m guessing that more than a few of you are looking back at your own behavior and wondering if you have contributed by flirting and encouraging such behavior only to use your feminine powers of prerogative to shoot that poor guy down after raising his hopes. See … I told you.

Back to our story.

Whenever a new allegation comes to light I keep coming back to two points of thought: 1) Not all allegations are created equal; 2) When the hell did our form of justice become “believe the accuser” with or without evidence? Let’s take these one at a time, shall we?

Let’s look at three recent allegations. Harvey Weinstein is accused of sexually harassing women verbally, masturbating in front of them, grabbing various parts of their bodies and raping them through coercion for decades. He has had 90+ accusers and his sexual Weinsteindeviance was supposedly “well known” throughout Hollywood. It is reported that he had a clause in his contract that guaranteed he wouldn’t get fired for sexual harassment. Roy Moore is accused of, in effect, stalking young teen girls why he was in his thirties. Two of the accusers were 14 at the time of the alleged behavior. One woman accuses him or trying to initiate sexual contact, one of assaulting her and one of groping her. The rest allege he asked them out or dated then when they were teens between 14-18. Al Franken, is accused of groping two women. There is photographic evidence of him groping one whilst she slept.

Are these three allegations the same? Do they even belong in the same paragraph? Weinstein is clearly a sexual predator. I know he hasn’t been found guilty yet but … come-on! 90? And there is evidence of several settlements in his past. He has, appropriately, been fired from his company and is now a pariah and will forever be a meme for the sanctimonious left. He will be dealt with by the courts. Personally, I would love to see Antifa perform a peaceful march through his anal cavity. Roy Moore is a different story and one I find that challenges my concepts of morality and rule-of-law. MooreMorally, I think there is nothing worse than a person who would sexually assault a child. As Ivanka Trump has said, there’s a special place in hell for those scum. That said, the part of me that believes in the rule-of-law must look at the laws. The age of consent in Alabama was and is 16. Two of his accusers were under the age of 16. One 14-year-old said he asked her out, but her mother said no. They other accuses him of some weird sexual behavior at his house. The rest claim he asked them out or they dated him. One of those accuse him of sexual assault in a parking lot behind a restaurant. Of the several allegations against him, two can be considered assault by the rule-of-law. Those two allegations have not been proven and there has been no convincing evidence thus far. He has not been found guilty in any court and he denies all accusations of assault but offers dubious responses to his proclivity for teens when he was in his 30s. Personally speaking, any man in his thirties who wants to date a young teen girl is no kind of Good Christian. I would never vote for him, but he still has the right to stay in the race. Let Alabamians decide. If, after the election, he is found guilty of something or convincing evidence comes out, he can be removed from office. As to Al Franken, the allegations agaiFrankennst him do not rise anywhere near the same level as the others. That is not to say his behavior is acceptable because it is not, but it is not assault to the level of the others. I would love to see him out of the Senate because I think he is an amoral sanctimonious idiot, but he should not be removed for the behaviors of which he is accused. The only evidence of his behavior is the picture and that woman has said she accepts his apology-type-thing and will not press charges. That is her choice. The other woman has not pressed charges and most likely will not. That too is her choice. With any luck, he will step down or not run again because he has been knocked of his salt pillar of sanctimony. He has always been a joke, now everyone is in on it.

I admit I am relishing in watching the sanctimonious (there’s that word again) Moral Aristocracy crumble into the abyss of their own creation. The party of woman … the party of 72 genders …the party of the vagina hat, we are finding, treat those women, genders and vaginas horribly when they would have us believe Republicans are waging a war on women. The veil of their hypocrisy has been torn down and is currently being inserted deep into their…well you get the idea. I can’t help but wonder what will happen with the female and transgendered-goat vote next cycle. But, in my glow of I-told-you-so I have to step back. I must put the current headlines through the rule-of-law filter. When I do, I don’t like what I find. Try it yourself.

Step back and think about something for a minute … unless you are sitting, in which case you should lean back and look up into the air as if you are pondering deeply: the media, and us by extension, have become judge, jury and executioner based on nothing but accusation and conjecture. Let’s face it, in this partisan world, we want to believe at face value any allegation against the party with whom we do not identify. Every new headline alleging sexual misconduct we take as a guilty verdict. People are being fired based on allegation. Careers are being ruined and reputation permanently tainted. Members of congress are actually saying that we must start believing the women. Believing. Not proving. Not investigating. Just believing. Our great country was not based on accusation but instead on verdict. A person is innocent until proven guilty. Lately we have skipped the presumption of innocence. For that matter, we have skipped the proven part of the guilty. If it’s in the papers we don’t trust or on the news we don’t trust, we jump right to guilty if its an allegation against our political opponents.

My friends, you know I don’t like to preach, but this has got to stop. We must return to the rule-of-law and avoid mob-rule. We are after all, not Antifa. People deserve their day in court or at least an investigation by their employer. After those things have concluded we can delight in their downfall. We can rejoice in the beheading of the Moral Aristocracy.

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Crap! I Meant to Talk About Taxes

Friends, Whiggy has been neglectful of you all lately. For that, I am deeply sorry. I often travel for work and, between travel and a couple of projects I have been developing, I have been too swamped to write. For my liberal reader(s), work is a thing where you contribute to society and the greater economy by producing goods or services. In return for getting out of bed in the morning, getting dressed in clothes that don’t double as pajamas and producing goods and/or services while following the rules of an employer, you get a thing called a paycheck.

“But Whiggy,” my liberal reader (I’ll call her/him/it Libby) is thinking “I don’t have to get out of bed and I get to wear my hot pajamas that say ‘sexy’ on the ass all day and I still get a paycheck from the government.”

welfareOh, silly Libby. That’s not a paycheck. A paycheck is something exchanged for work. What you get is a handout from your fellow Americans. You get that because liberals need people to vote for them. By giving you money for contributing nothing to society, they have ensured that you cannot fend for yourself and, therefore, need the government to survive. In short, they have enslaved you. Go ahead, think about that for minute. (Begin calling me a racist in 10,9,8,7 …)

“I’m not a slave!” Libby the liberal screams through her Menthol Pall Malls. “Slaves do work for free. I do nothing for free money!”

Hmmm… I see what you are going for Libby. But, as with almost everything in the liberal world view, you are moronically wrong. You are a slave. The product you provide are votes and generations of new slave voters. Now, shut-up so I can get back to this blog!

Since we are talking about paychecks, I wanted to share an observation of my own paycheck. With all the talk of the new Republican tax plan, I was curious to see what I have paid in taxes thus far this year. How do I put this tactfully? Hmmm … I know! … I’m just glad I didn’t have tacos last night because I sh@t myself! Trust me, that’s the tactful version. I’m working on a theory that your own professional success can be measured in the amount of feces left in your pants after seeing your tax contributions. By that measure I have achieved a moderate amount of non-taco success.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I do not mind paying my “fair share” of taxes. The fact of the matter is that the government needs money to operate and, whether we always recognize it, the government does do a lot of good and necessary things. They do a lot of superfluous and insanely expensive and wasteful crap as well but we’ll save that for a later post. No, I don’t mind paying a fair amount of taxes. What I do mind, is when my taxes are used to pay for those who choose not to contribute to society. Notice what I said there: who choose not to. I have always been a firm believer that the government should take care of those who CANNOT take care of themselves. They should not take care of those who CHOOSE NOT to take care of themselves.

“You are treading on dangerous ground Whigman” You are thinking right about now. “Your white privilege is showing”

Let me respond with …. Wait … “Whigman”? No. You may call me Whiggy or His Holiness the Whig, but you may not call me Whigman. I’m pretty sure that’s sexist! Let me illustrate my point with a real-life story. When I was a young Whiggy, well before my wig had grayed I worked as a Parent Aide not far from the town where I was born. Part of my job, at the age of 24, was to help parents develop parenting and basic household skills. I have always been a fiscal conservative but one of my clients, oh hell let’s call her Libby too, further cemented my conservatism. Libby was my age at the time and had 5 children all under the age of 7. They had 4 different fathers. That is no a judgement of her judgement. It is simply a verifiable fact. Budgeting was one of the things I worked on with Libby. In order to do that I needed to get a full accounting of all forms of income and assistance she received.

I know this will be shocking, but she did not work.

“Now, now, Whiggy!” you are saying “Be fair! Raising 5 kids is work. You can’t work and raise 5 young kids. Don’t be mean dude!”

First, “Dude”? Really? I expect more from my readers! Whiggy or His Holiness the Whig. Don’t make me say it again. I’ll let it go this time. Second, she didn’t stay home with her children. She had several hours of free daycare a week for each of her children. I don’t remember how much, but I think it was around 25 hours a week for each child.

Back to my story. Libby, received WIC, childcare, food stamps, fuel assistance, welfare and a few other forms of assistance. That’s not to mention her boyfriend, the father of two of the children, who sold pot out of her apartment, for which she received rent assistance. Here is what truly cemented my conservatism: When I added up the value of all her assistance (I left out pot sales) she made more than the first Mrs. Whiggy and I together. We both had college degrees, a full-time job and a part-time job. We had one child at the time because had a full understanding of birth control.

Let me sum that up for you. Pay attention Libby … as I talk about Libby. The first Mrs. Whiggy and I both had college degrees and multiple jobs (all in the helping profession, incidentally). Libby had no job, unless breeding with random lowlifes counts as a job and she … MADE MORE FRICKEN MONEY THAN WE DID!!!! My first response when I discovered this was to shout WHAT THE F@CK inside my head. While I was spending four years getting an education and deeper in debt so that I could make more money for my eventual family, she spent four years getting Fu … well you get the idea.

“But Whiggy” those of you with a heart are thinking “She needs all those services so that her children can have a life and possibly break the cycle of poverty.”

To that I say … SHUT IT, HIPPIE! Do you know what she did with all those services? Let me illustrate a few examples. She used her welfare money to rent Large Screen TVs, game systems and computers from Rent-a-Center. When she couldn’t pay anymore, they would come and get the stuff. When she had money, they’d rent it right back to her. She used her food stamps for food …no let me rephrase that…she used her foodstamps for munchies and cigarettes for when she was high. She used all that time her kids were in daycare to work hard … at getting high and pregnant again. When I learned of how she used all this money I said ARE YOU F@CKING KIDDING ME. This time out-loud.

She defended herself: She had a rough childhood. Her dad went to jail when she was 13. Her mother was disabled (i.e. too fat to work). She went to a bad school. She started smoking young and couldn’t quit. And, my favorite, no one taught her about birth control.

I responded with a deeply sincere and caring response. It went something like this:” Get the hell over yourself, get off your ass, stop making excuses and get a fricken life. I was born to a 15-year-old living in foster care in the next town over. I was taken away at 3 months for failure to thrive because I lost weight since birth. I lived in 6 different families before I was 6 years old. I experienced every kind of abuse you could imagine by multiple families. Without being pushed by anyone I went to college so that my children would never experience that. I don’t want to hear any of your BS.”

I got fired.

Wait. What was my point? Crap! I meant to talk about taxes. Next time I guess.

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GUEST COLUMN: Feminism versus Femininity: A Lady’s Manifesto (by Rachel)

Friends, from time to time, fellow patriots and readers of Whiggy talk to me about wishing they could publish their own thoughts. I believe most people should get that opportunity. Therefore, I will occasionally open up WanderingWhig for guest column. If there is enough interest we may have a weekly Guest Column by a variety of readers. This is the first Guest Column by fellow patriot Rachel. Read and enjoy! 

 

What is feminism? One mustn’t look further than the common unopposed definition: The advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of equality of the sexes. What about femininity? This is defined as the quality of being female or womanliness. These two words sound the same, but have drastically different meanings. The “feminist “of today’s age don’t quite fit the definition. Current female citizens of America have every right available to men. We obtained the right to vote in every state in 1920 with the ratification of the 19th amendment. We can, if we choose, tackle any career path imaginable. Yet in 2017 feminists’ thirst for power isn’t quite quenched. I believe feminists don’t fully understand the movement that they have become & one can’t fully understand a “feminist,” until observed in today’s culture. Take a look at any website geared toward women, magazines, women’s marches, or women’s conventions. Speakers like Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton, Linda Sarsour, and various Hollywood elites have taken the position once held by trailblazing suffragettes. Feminism meet Pop culture, eat your heart out America!! Feminists are no longer women; but masculine women that despise men, men that speak on behalf of women, women that ignore sexual predators, and those that expect, no, DEMAND free birth control. I am woman, hear me roar! How the hell did we get here? How did we become such hateful creatures, supporting and/or ignoring actual oppression of women? Hillary Clinton took less then one day to condemn guns after the recent Vegas shooting, but five days to comment on Harvey Weinstein. Saudi Arabia, where ALL women have male guardians, was elected by the UN to “protect women’s rights.”

Linda Sarsour and the Women’s Marches exiled pro-life groups from participation; and every attendee either wore a pussy hat or a hijab, ironically, the most oppressive fashion statement possible. So why do women let such people lead them to “equality?” I’ve developed a theory.

Flashback to grade school. Every little girl dreams of being a fairytale princess, with her very own prince charming. Reality sets in around puberty, and when no “prince“ has his eye on you, you have two options. Feminism vs Femininity. You either decide boys are evil, your mother is literally your father’s slave, and Miley Cyrus is the only person that understands you, or you blaze through; Knowing one day, those legs will lengthen, your period will start, your hips will fill out, and the boobs will come.

If you are living in America today, your first, personal experience with feminism, is probably with that hateful English teacher or the butch softball coach. What you might never realize, is that English teacher is utterly miserable, and that softball coach, is more than likely a lesbian.

FeminismIf you happened to pick up the pieces in adolescents and survived through high school, you are again presented with two choices. Feminism vs Femininity: In college, a barrage of masculine women suffocates you, screaming “shout your abortion,” they say no matter how you look, how much you weigh, and despite your lack of hygiene, you are a beautiful person, and the world has wronged you. Well who wouldn’t enjoy that? Right? Oh, how wonderful it is to become a feminist. You chop off your locks, die your hair, cut off hygiene completely, and pierce your nose. For cinematic effect, you shout “Fuck all men!” You resent your mother for cooking for your father, and that chip on your shoulder can’t be knocked off quick enough. No more make-up, dresses, or uncomfortable shoes. You can eat whatever you want, go wherever you would like to go, and do whatever and whoever u want to do. You soon learn sex is meaningless, men, and the occasional woman, are simply for your pleasure. Men are to be used, and thrown away, just as they have thrown women like you away for years. You put a high price on career paths and hold on to personal autonomy like a life preserver in an ocean of humans searching for their path. If you get pregnant, no worries, $500 and one miserable weekend will take care of that mistake. Now, even though you haven’t quite experienced “pleasure” yet, and can’t remember the last time you smiled, you continue through the motions. You take home whatever boy glances your way, because it’s so “empowering,” to have meaningless sex, yet you still aren’t quite happy. Why aren’t you happy damnit!? You have what you want and do what you want. As a feminist your heroes become Hollywood stars like Madonna, and Ashley Judd or strong female political figures, like Hillary, Maxine, Nancy (Pelosi, not to be confused with Reagan.) You fully support women’s rights, Planned Parenthood, abortion on demand, and free birth control. After all, a good feminist detests motherhood. You embrace the cackling hens just dying for a good cock to come along.

Feminism wants to empower women, but only certain “progressive women,” and only if you fit into their man hating box, resent your reproductive organs, and shame men into submission, all while denouncing the ultimate equalizer, guns. Feminists have become the least feminine creatures. Housewives make them regurgitate, while happy housewives, make them positively suicidal. Why would any woman endure such oppression? Right! Right?

Well, what about that second option, Femininity? Why not embrace femininity and modesty? Granted, it might not be “progressive,” but could it actually be empowering? You might not have as many notches on your belt, you might not know penicillin treats more than strep throat, and the mere thought of abortion might make you cringe. Only one boy catches your eye, and instead of numerous one night stands, you decide to invest in one particularly lucrative investment: Your future family. You wear the makeup, dresses, high heels, and shower daily. You pluck your eyebrows, brush your hair, and shave your legs. Soon enough that one boy asks you on a date. Modesty is simple and eloquent. You dress like you respect your body, and you say no, to the first few advances; if he sticks around he MIGHT be worth your time. But, your no easy gal, you know & understand why men don’t take easy girls to meet momma, and they sure don’t marry them. To the contrary, a feminist would screw and/or transform everyman into soft-spoken beta males if they could. They just can’t face simple truths; Men were made to be masculine, women to be feminine, women want masculine men, and men want feminine women, not a feminist. They want feminine women to cook them dinner, raise their children, and kiss them goodbye as they go to work. Men, have u ever met a feminist you’d like to marry? date? Or even stand next to in a crowded elevator? Ladies, the answer is NO!

The two distinct choices bring women to a precipice of their future lives, and remember, you only get one life! No re-spawns, redos, or take backs. Feminism vs Femininity. Feminists end the succession of life as miserable hags telling everyone how happy they are, all while living alone, cradling cats and dogs as poor substitutes for children, binge eating ice cream and crying during romance movies. Look no further then Amy Schumer, Sarah Silverman, and Chelsea Handler, just to name a few. How do you suppose their lives will end? Liver failure, depression, suicide? Feminists hate femininity and resent their reproductive organs, as if they were cursed by God. I read that Lena Dunham once said she wished she’d had an abortion, just so she could relate to other feminists that had. There is something deeply depressing by that statement, and nothing better characterizes a feminist’ mind.

Feminists want to empower women! Right? Ladies, ask yourself this. What could possibly be more empowering then having the opposite sex open all your doors for you? Yet this is labeled “sexist.” (Believe me, he knows you’re fully capable of opening a door, he’s being polite, walk through the damn door like the Cleopatra you are!) Or carry heavy items at your beck and call? But this is “demeaning.” The thought process is heavily flawed.

All men secretly want a wife to care and love them, and all women secretly want a husband to cuddle up to at night. A woman’s nature is to be soft, loving, caring, and compassionate; The actual job description of being a wife & mother.

Motherhood, in contrast to feminism, is the better sequel to femininity. I advise you, not from disdain, but from love, experience, and gratitude. I yearn for all women to know true happiness in life. I am a former despondent CEO, current jubilant housewife. I thoroughly enjoy my life, cooking dinner, dressing up, kissing boo-boos, changing diapers, reading bedtime stories, and doing laundry, well, maybe not so much changing diapers and folding laundry, but you get the point. After pondering on why a woman would choose feminism over femininity, I’m confronted with the possibility that jealousy and envy may be the reason women like me are the targets of such hatred from feminist women, while I only feel commiseration for feminist. Not all women can, or must, be wives, or mothers to be fulfilled in life, but most do.

God made the first woman, for a man, NO, not for him to dominate, but because he needed her as a companion, lover, and friend. Men, in return, are to bring women love, happiness, and pleasure. Why else would we be the only creation that can have multiple orgasms? Feminism has become unnecessary in America. We were empowered by America to vote, and choose whatever life we desire, we are equal to men, in the eyes of law, it has accomplished its goal. Yet they persist in America and totally ignore other countries, like Iran, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, and Afghanistan, where women desperately need classic feminism. In America, married women are sexual goddesses to our husbands, in Pakistan, they are property. Women were empowered by God with the gift of creation, and there is nothing more beautiful then holding your creation in your arms. You haven’t experienced real happiness unless you have kids waiting on you when you return home. There is utterly, no greater fulfillment in life then raising a child. You don’t know partnership until you marry your best friend. You haven’t lived until you drink a glass of wine and clean the house.

My husband works 60 hours a week, to come home and hand me his paycheck, just so I can stay home all day, to raise our children. What else could possibly be more empowering, or show more love and respect? Ahh! Therein lies the difference. I am absolutely, unconditionally, and infinitely loved! Feminists are generally hated by everyone they with whom come in contact. Feminist have become shrewd hateful witches that have pushed everyone away. Feminism isn’t about equality anymore, it’s about domination. American women are fortunate to have a choice, Feminism vs Femininity, in other words miserable masculinity vs happiness and fulfillment.

In closing, my advice to all young girls, is to become a soft, modest lady. Encourage beauty, and graciousness. Find one great man, deserving of your wonderful qualities, get married, and enjoy being a mother. Please your husbands and enjoy the appreciative return in pleasure. Above all, embrace femininity. You can thank me for a happy life later.