Friends, I know its been a long time. Before I begin I must thank you all for your heartfelt messages and that search party you sent to find me. Many people were lost in that search and I will never forget their sacrifice. What? Oh no … I don’t mean they were killed. I mean they were literally lost. But come-on! Did you really think the best way to find me was a pub crawl in Glastonbury? I don’t even live there! I live on a completely different continent! I give you credit for the pub crawl idea (I’ve been known to occasionally attend a pub function or two) but at least search within 2000 miles of my last known location!
I am sure you have wondered where I have been. Friends, after watching, listening to and reading CNN, MSNBC, NBC, CBS, ABC, PBS, NPR, The New York Times, USA Today, the Douche B
ag Gazette (sorry I already mentioned The New York Times) and my local supermarket flyer, I decided that I had to protect myself and my family from disaster. These wonderful and completely unbiased organizations made it clear that the sky was falling. Now Whiggy isn’t a genius, but he can do basic math. If 14,363 out of 14,366 new organizations say the sky is falling, then the sky is obviously falling. I mean, that many people can’t be wrong!
So, I took myself, my family, the dogs, the cat, the fish, the damn bird, and our survival supplies and moved into a bunker. We cut ourselves off from all news and social media because I knew I wouldn’t be able handle watching the sky fall upon the world. It would be better to just let the world end. Eventually we would return to the ruins and try to rebuild. Well, eventually came pretty quickly. Have you ever spent months alone with your family in a single room without TV and only Hillary’s book for entertainment? At first things were great, we had fantastic conversations, we shared the Whiggy family history, we played Rummy 3 million, we ate the bird and we shared laughter when Hilllary told us “What Happened”. Her book is hilarious (see what I did there?) the first few times you read it, but eventually it causes signs of the stigmata on anyone touching it for prolonged periods of time. Yes, things were great to begin, all stigmata aside, but then tragedy struck! We ran out of scotch and cigars! Death be damned, we had to return to the world, assess the damages, start rebuilding … and get new scotch and cigars.
When we returned to the world, we were stunned by what we found. Friends, the sky was still there! Not only was it there but it was blue and the sun was shining. We thought perhaps we had all died and gone to heaven. But, since we were still out of scotch and cigars, I knew we were not in heaven. Something was wrong.
We held a quick family meeting to plan and prioritize. While I ran out for scotch and cigars, the family moved everything up from the bunker, cleaned the house, bought food, watched the news, logged into social media, researched the past few months and put together a 45-minute Powerpoint presentation with no damn animation! I returned two days later to attend the presentation. Here are some of their findings:
- The moral aristocracy warned that Trump was racist and sexist. They said he would create policies that would hurt minorities and women. But the Whiggy researchers found that the unemployment rate is below 4% for the first time since 2000. Black unemployment is at its lowest rate in recorded history as is the Latino unemployment rate. The female unemployment rate is the lowest since 2000. But … but …I thought Trump was a racist, sexist misogynistic puppy eating Hitler. Why would he make policies that would help people he hated? Surely this was an anomaly.
- The moral aristocracy warned that Trump would ruin the US economy and, that in turn, would ruin the world economy. The US economy grew nearly 3% in Q4 and 2.3% in Q1. These numbers aren’t spectacular, but they are showing growth and are far from ruining the economy. Consumer confidence is skyrocketing. Production is up. The stock market is up. Unemployment is down and millions of jobs have been created. Oh, and the US showed the largest one-month tax surplus in history in April. I’m so confused. I guess Trump just got lucky …twice.
- The moral aristocracy warned that Trump dropping the TPP, renegotiating NAFTA and placing tariffs on Chinese goods would cause a trade war and thus ruin the economy. Oddly, in March, the trade deficit fell slightly in March, exports were up 2% and imports were down 1.8%. Canada and Mexico have both said they feel like negotiations on NAFTA are going well. China, while in a “mine is bigger than yours” contest with the US, are not putting tariffs on anything of vital importance. In other words, they are fighting this “trade war” the way the French fight all wars … limply with bad accents. But, since we know the media and liberals are smarter than us, maybe the world-wide economic collapse caused my Trump is just delayed.
OK, so maybe the moral aristocracy got a couple of things wrong in terms of the economy. Or maybe the doom they foretold is just delayed. They have made ever-so-slight, barely noticeable time-line miscalculations before. Just look at the Global Climate Greenhouse Warming Change debate. According to renowned and unquestioned genius Al Gore, we should all be underwater and simultaneously on fire right now. No doubt he was right … but only off by a few thousand millennia… or maybe he was thinking of Mars. Either way, the science is settled.
“But Whiggy,” you say, “Certainly, the moral aristocracy would not make the same sort of honest mistakes about anything else.”
Oh friends … the Whiggy researchers also looked into the claims of impending nuclear war, one of the main reasons for our bunker vacation. They found the following:
- The moral aristocracy made it clear that President Trump would cause a nuclear war by moving away from the policy of Bend-Overs and Reach-Arounds with North Korea utilized by previous administrations. According to the moral aristocracy: The North Koreans would use their huge arsenal to really really hurt our left shin; The Chinese would support their bestest little brother and send an army of samurai against us with swords made of high quality Chinese steel; Russia would ally with the Chinese (even though all Russians are really super-secret-BFFs with Trump) and launch their modern 1987 military juggernaut against us; Our allies would abandon us; and the French would surrender to Vermont. It is the fear of this great war that sent the Whiggy clan deep into our bunker. You can imagine my shock when I found out that the Koreas agreed to start the proceeding to formally end their 68-year war, Kim Jong Un released 3 American prisoners and Trump and Kim Jong Un will be meeting to discuss de-nuclearization, hot chicks and the future North Korean McDonalds franchises. There was no word on to whom the French had surrendered. When Mini-Whiggy reached out for comment, the French immediately surrendered. Mini-Whiggy is now the King of France.
- The moral aristocracy also claimed that President Trump’s tough talk about ending the Iranian nuclear deal would instantly hand Iran a nuke and turn all our allies against us. The moment he signed the documenting removing US support from the Iran Nuclear Deal, Chuck Schumer, who never supported the deal, stated that it would make the North Korean negotiations much harder. Hours later, the North Koreans released 3 American prisoners into the custody of the Secretary of State. Imagine if it would have been easy?! In fairness, most of our allies are throwing tantrums at the moment. Perhaps the liberals and media will get this one right and they’ll go it on their own. It worked well for them during WWI and WWII … oh wait.
Ok, so, they were wrong about the economy and WWIII, but surely the sky still fell a little. I don’t want to think I cashed my retirement in for 3 tons of rice and beans for no reason at all! Mrs. Whiggy was not impressed. Luckily, she hasn’t checked hers since we returned … she doesn’t even like chickens … or goats …
- I called my best friend. He is gay and claimed, upon the election of President Trump, that Trump would restrict his civil rights and Pence would put him into a re-education camp to cure his homosexuality. Surely those things have happened…Nope. The only thing he had to complain about was Trump banning Transsexuals from the military. “Dude, are you Trans?” I asked him. Nope. “Do you want to be in the military?” Nope. “Do you know anyone who is trans and wants to be in the military?” Nope. “How long has the military allowed the trans?” No idea. “Then why the hell do you care?” “Because Trump is homophobic.” My head hurt. I put down the phone and walked away. That was 4 hours ago. I think I can still hear him complaining.
- The moral aristocracy foretold of Hispanics and blacks being round up and put into jails for no reason. Civil rights would be set back “hundreds of years”. So far, no such round-up has been held. In fact, the President’s approval rating from both groups have been rising at a greater rate than among all other groups.
- The moral aristocracy stated unequivocally that the Trump campaign colluded with the Russians to tell the truth about Hillary and the DNC and to put out fake news on FB and Twitter to fool moronic Americans into voting against Hillary. They had no doubt that Trump would not last a year. He was most definitely going to be impeached and then, due to some sort of voodoo, Hillary would be named President. Apparently he is still President and Hillary is still on her comedy tour promoting her book.
Friends, Whiggy is confused and a little embarrassed, not to mention, I have no idea how to explain to Mrs Whiggy why we own a refurbished Hungarian tank from WWII. Not only has the sky not fallen, but things seem to be going pretty damn well. I have to go check CNN to see why things are going so well. They must be embarrassed that they got things so wrong
OH MY GOD! I JUST WATCHED 10 MINUTES OF CNN …THE SKY IS FALLING! BACK TO THE BUNKER!