Month: November 2017

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Presumed Innocence is Dead: The Bright Side

Friends, way back, in a different era, before we knew sexually assaulting and/or raping women was wrong, in the ‘90s, TV was dominated by The Trial of the Century. The OJ trial was on TV 27 hours every day. As a result, we saw a proliferation of crime-based TV dramas. I have to be honest with you here: Whiggy hates that crap. Each show has the same predictable plot points, sparkly pseudoscience and cookie-cutter characters. I would rather watch The Pelosi give an interview than watch that tripe! Oh wait, that was a bad example. Watching The Pelosi forget who she is in the middle of an interview is hilarious! A more apt comparison would be watching Al Franken apologize again. Nope. Those are funny as hell too. Let me see here… Hmmm … Oh I got it! I would rather watch CNN talk about shoes and pie than watch TV crime dramas. See what I did there? I would rather watch overpaid immoral liberals disgrace themselves, the country and what used to be a respected institution than watch a single TV crime drama. It all started when I was a young lad of ….

“Whiggy, there you go again,” you are saying. “Get to the point.”

You know, your impatience is getting really annoying. I like telling stories. But, OK, I’ll get to the point.

Today I am rejoicing! Halleluiah! Praise the Lord! Allah Akbar! Praise be to Satan! and all that stuff. The day of the crime drama is over! There will be no more Law and Order. There will be no more Cagney and Lacey (shut-up I am old). There will be no more Crimes of the Century. We are free. Rejoice one and all!

“Whiggy …point?”

Wow, you guys are a bummer!

These shows are all dead, my friends, because they no longer have relevant material. They are outdated. Their subject matter has evaporated.

“Ah,” you say, “because the real/fake news is more interesting and even more unbelievable.”

That’s pretty presumptuous of you. This is my blog. I’ll make my own points. Plus, while factually accurate, your point is incorrect. No, their material is irrelevant the way making a show about Americans dying of Polio is irreverent. It no longer happens. These shows rely on the fact that we have a justice system and that justice system is built on the presumption of innocent. That system is gone. Now the shows would consist of two scenes:

Scene the First:

Woman: He assaulted me.

Social Media: Guilty!

The presumption of innocence has been eradicated by a vaccine. That vaccine is the mixture of politically motivated news corporations and politically motivated social media. The discovery of this miracle cure will go down in history.  Just like the greats who lead the way, Al Gore and Barack Obama, the creators of this vaccine will surely win a well-deserved Nobel Prize for Peace or bullsh@t rhetoric. I am not sure what they call it now.

Friends, the media has become the prosecutor and judge. Social media is the not-so-secret jury. There are no more allegations. There are only guilty verdicts. The scary thing about this is that it is actually an improvement! Back in the Days of Old, before we knew attending meetings in our underwear was inappropriate, the 90’s, only one side was always guilty. Allegations against anyone on the right were not allegations. They were verdicts of guilt. Allegations against anyone on the left were part of a vast right-wing conspiracy. Evidence did not matter. Those on the left were always innocent …. I’m mean …Duh! A dead body found in the White house? Pfft! That was clearly a suicide! Thousands of FBI files of those on the right found in the First Lady’s office? Lupita (I’m racist) must have moved them from a secure facility to the First Lady’s office so she could vacuum. Rape settlements? Pishaw! All, part of the vast right-wing conspiracy. A stain on a dress? Umm.. well … “I have sinned” I can’t believe people care about the resident’s sex life. All forgiven!

The improvement is that now, all allegations against any man, left or right, for any sexualized or flirtatious behavior is not just a guilty verdict, but also treated the same as gang rape of nuns on the Vatican alter during a children’s mass. Finally, the media has become fair…ish. The first step was to admit that anyone on the left can be guilty of any crime. Now, we just need them to look for equal punishment. Roy Moore is accused of horrible and disgusting behavior 40 years ago with no proof and no contemporaneous reports and he should drop out of a race, because we all know Alabama voters are too stupid to find him guilty without a trial or, at least, deeper investigation. Bill Clinton settled a rape suit and was accused of several more sexual assaults and he was only a target of the vast right-wing conspiracy. But that was ancient days, when we did not know it was wrong to masturbate and shower in front of employees. You know …the 90’s. Now, the left has seen the light. If only they knew back then that men on the left should rape and assault women like they finally do now, they would have suggested by resign. Thank God, we didn’t know that it was wrong for men on the left to drive off a bridge drunk and leave a woman for dead back in 1969.

Scene the Second:

Woman: He should be punished.

Social Media: He is republican, he should be drawn and quartered.

Social Media: He is a democrat, bring him before the ethics committee and put a firmly written letter into his file for 90 days!

The death of the TV crime drama is not the only good thing to come from this new-found freedom from due process. No indeed. Friends, you are about to witness history. If the death of presumed innocence will destroy the TV crime drama genre, I think we can take down the MSN. Grab a beverage. Have a seat. Relax and witness history in the making.

I, Whiggy, make the following (false, but that doesn’t matter) allegations:

  • Rachel Maddow once sexually assaulted a kitten while Chris Mathews recorded it.
  • Joy Reid ate the kitten.
  • Wolf Blitzer makes his staff give him a bath in a public doggy wash once a week.
  • Christiane Amanpour blow-dries Wolf Blitzer after his bath and makes the interns watch.
  • Martin Bashir fondles coconuts in front of the camera during commercial breaks.
  • Lester Holt insists that all his aides wear The Flash Underoos and tell him about it in detailed haikus.
  • Keith Olbermann rapes himself every morning.
  • Joe Scarborough has consensual sex with Mika Brezinski and is happy about it.
  • Anderson Cooper acted inappropriately with a camel during the election.
  • Jorge Ramos ate the camel.
  • Abilio “Jim” Acosta uses Capybara as love slaves.
  • Brian Williams eats the leftover Capybara.
  • Dom Lemon continually asks Asian trans women is they want to taste is tartness.
  • Connie Chung … is an angel! Leave her alone!
  • Anna Navarro once ate a baby.
  • Shepard Smith was that baby.

And there you go! Please feel free to add your own with the hashtag: #fakeallegethis and the disclaimer: (Fake Allegation) And then spread far and wide. Soon they will all be instantly fired. The MSN, as we know it, will collapse. Rejoice one and all!

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Thankful to be Whiggy

Friends, it is common practice to think about what we are thankful for on this day. I am no different … well I am, but not when it comes to this! I hope you will indulge me in a little Whiggy Time:

I am thankful for my three amazing children. They never cease to amaze me with their accomplishments, their drive, their hearts, and their ability to think for themselves and see through the liberal curtain thrown over their heads every day. They are loving, thoughtful, caring, positive, talented and independent. No father has been more blessed than I.

I am thankful for Mrs. Whiggy. No husband can be prouder of his wife. Her accomplishments are beyond measure, yet she has remained humble throughout. She is my best friend, my partner, my biggest pain in the butt (don’t tell her) and the love of my life. I know I do not deserve her, but I strive to be a better husband and person everyday just to get a little closer to deserving.

I am thankful for the opportunity to write this blog. I cannot tell you the thrill I get from the positive feedback. Even from some of the not so positive feedback. I love being me, being honest and being ever so slightly a wise-@ss. I have stopped political conversations on Facebook for many reasons (Please share on Facebook). Here I get to say what needs to be said without fear of retribution or losing fake friends.

I am thankful for a job that allows me to support my family comfortably as well as pay for two kids in college all the while contributing something to society in a positive way. Every day I know that I am doing good for the world.

I am thankful that I have so many friends who are willing to engage in friendly political debate without getting personal. I am especially thankful for my many liberal friends who, while wrong in every way, make concerted efforts to back-up their arguments in an intelligent and informed manner.

I am saddened that both of my parents have passed but I am undyingly thankful and grateful that they saved me from a world of abuse, pain, neglect and rejection when they adopted me as an 11-year-old. They taught me to love, to forgive and to take responsibility when warranted. My mother taught me to swear at the TV during sports because it helps. My father taught me to swear and throw things when building/fixing things because it helps as well. They were not perfect, but they were perfectly what I needed.

I am thankful for the tumultuous childhood I had. I would not wish my experiences on my worse enemy, but I would not change any of it. Not the physical, sexual and mental abuse, not the neglect and malnourishment as a baby and not the abandonment. Those things made me who I am. I learned who I was and who I never wanted to be. Those experiences gave my children a better father and my wife a better husband.

I am thankful that I was wrong about Donald Trump. While I still am not the biggest fan of HOW he does things, I am a big fan of what he is doing. I love having a President again, who loves our country and wants to tear down the moral aristocracy.

Finally, I am thankful to have been born in this great country. I have been blessed to see the very worst we have to offer and the very best. These things have made me appreciate everything we have to offer. A day does not go by that I do not thank the Lord that I am an American.

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Weinstein, Moore and Franken walk into a bar …

Friends, I have been avoiding writing about all the sexual harassment allegations mostly out of disgust and because its not funny: Weinstein, Moore and Franken walk into a bar … just won’t end well. The subject doesn’t really lend itself well to jokes and sarcasm. Well, it does but only in a highly inappropriate, tongue-in-cheek, locker-room talk sort of way.  Whoa …whoa … whoa … don’t get all judgy with me. If you are a guy (that means a person born with a penis and identifying as a male member of society with a penis) there’s a pretty good chance that you have been watching the news lately, looking back over your past behavior and wondering if you will have to issue the newly formed deny-pology where you both deny the parts of the behavior that can’t be proven and apologize for the behaviors that can. And hold on a minute, ladies, you shouldn’t get judgy either.  I’m guessing that more than a few of you are looking back at your own behavior and wondering if you have contributed by flirting and encouraging such behavior only to use your feminine powers of prerogative to shoot that poor guy down after raising his hopes. See … I told you.

Back to our story.

Whenever a new allegation comes to light I keep coming back to two points of thought: 1) Not all allegations are created equal; 2) When the hell did our form of justice become “believe the accuser” with or without evidence? Let’s take these one at a time, shall we?

Let’s look at three recent allegations. Harvey Weinstein is accused of sexually harassing women verbally, masturbating in front of them, grabbing various parts of their bodies and raping them through coercion for decades. He has had 90+ accusers and his sexual Weinsteindeviance was supposedly “well known” throughout Hollywood. It is reported that he had a clause in his contract that guaranteed he wouldn’t get fired for sexual harassment. Roy Moore is accused of, in effect, stalking young teen girls why he was in his thirties. Two of the accusers were 14 at the time of the alleged behavior. One woman accuses him or trying to initiate sexual contact, one of assaulting her and one of groping her. The rest allege he asked them out or dated then when they were teens between 14-18. Al Franken, is accused of groping two women. There is photographic evidence of him groping one whilst she slept.

Are these three allegations the same? Do they even belong in the same paragraph? Weinstein is clearly a sexual predator. I know he hasn’t been found guilty yet but … come-on! 90? And there is evidence of several settlements in his past. He has, appropriately, been fired from his company and is now a pariah and will forever be a meme for the sanctimonious left. He will be dealt with by the courts. Personally, I would love to see Antifa perform a peaceful march through his anal cavity. Roy Moore is a different story and one I find that challenges my concepts of morality and rule-of-law. MooreMorally, I think there is nothing worse than a person who would sexually assault a child. As Ivanka Trump has said, there’s a special place in hell for those scum. That said, the part of me that believes in the rule-of-law must look at the laws. The age of consent in Alabama was and is 16. Two of his accusers were under the age of 16. One 14-year-old said he asked her out, but her mother said no. They other accuses him of some weird sexual behavior at his house. The rest claim he asked them out or they dated him. One of those accuse him of sexual assault in a parking lot behind a restaurant. Of the several allegations against him, two can be considered assault by the rule-of-law. Those two allegations have not been proven and there has been no convincing evidence thus far. He has not been found guilty in any court and he denies all accusations of assault but offers dubious responses to his proclivity for teens when he was in his 30s. Personally speaking, any man in his thirties who wants to date a young teen girl is no kind of Good Christian. I would never vote for him, but he still has the right to stay in the race. Let Alabamians decide. If, after the election, he is found guilty of something or convincing evidence comes out, he can be removed from office. As to Al Franken, the allegations agaiFrankennst him do not rise anywhere near the same level as the others. That is not to say his behavior is acceptable because it is not, but it is not assault to the level of the others. I would love to see him out of the Senate because I think he is an amoral sanctimonious idiot, but he should not be removed for the behaviors of which he is accused. The only evidence of his behavior is the picture and that woman has said she accepts his apology-type-thing and will not press charges. That is her choice. The other woman has not pressed charges and most likely will not. That too is her choice. With any luck, he will step down or not run again because he has been knocked of his salt pillar of sanctimony. He has always been a joke, now everyone is in on it.

I admit I am relishing in watching the sanctimonious (there’s that word again) Moral Aristocracy crumble into the abyss of their own creation. The party of woman … the party of 72 genders …the party of the vagina hat, we are finding, treat those women, genders and vaginas horribly when they would have us believe Republicans are waging a war on women. The veil of their hypocrisy has been torn down and is currently being inserted deep into their…well you get the idea. I can’t help but wonder what will happen with the female and transgendered-goat vote next cycle. But, in my glow of I-told-you-so I have to step back. I must put the current headlines through the rule-of-law filter. When I do, I don’t like what I find. Try it yourself.

Step back and think about something for a minute … unless you are sitting, in which case you should lean back and look up into the air as if you are pondering deeply: the media, and us by extension, have become judge, jury and executioner based on nothing but accusation and conjecture. Let’s face it, in this partisan world, we want to believe at face value any allegation against the party with whom we do not identify. Every new headline alleging sexual misconduct we take as a guilty verdict. People are being fired based on allegation. Careers are being ruined and reputation permanently tainted. Members of congress are actually saying that we must start believing the women. Believing. Not proving. Not investigating. Just believing. Our great country was not based on accusation but instead on verdict. A person is innocent until proven guilty. Lately we have skipped the presumption of innocence. For that matter, we have skipped the proven part of the guilty. If it’s in the papers we don’t trust or on the news we don’t trust, we jump right to guilty if its an allegation against our political opponents.

My friends, you know I don’t like to preach, but this has got to stop. We must return to the rule-of-law and avoid mob-rule. We are after all, not Antifa. People deserve their day in court or at least an investigation by their employer. After those things have concluded we can delight in their downfall. We can rejoice in the beheading of the Moral Aristocracy.

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Crap! I Meant to Talk About Taxes

Friends, Whiggy has been neglectful of you all lately. For that, I am deeply sorry. I often travel for work and, between travel and a couple of projects I have been developing, I have been too swamped to write. For my liberal reader(s), work is a thing where you contribute to society and the greater economy by producing goods or services. In return for getting out of bed in the morning, getting dressed in clothes that don’t double as pajamas and producing goods and/or services while following the rules of an employer, you get a thing called a paycheck.

“But Whiggy,” my liberal reader (I’ll call her/him/it Libby) is thinking “I don’t have to get out of bed and I get to wear my hot pajamas that say ‘sexy’ on the ass all day and I still get a paycheck from the government.”

welfareOh, silly Libby. That’s not a paycheck. A paycheck is something exchanged for work. What you get is a handout from your fellow Americans. You get that because liberals need people to vote for them. By giving you money for contributing nothing to society, they have ensured that you cannot fend for yourself and, therefore, need the government to survive. In short, they have enslaved you. Go ahead, think about that for minute. (Begin calling me a racist in 10,9,8,7 …)

“I’m not a slave!” Libby the liberal screams through her Menthol Pall Malls. “Slaves do work for free. I do nothing for free money!”

Hmmm… I see what you are going for Libby. But, as with almost everything in the liberal world view, you are moronically wrong. You are a slave. The product you provide are votes and generations of new slave voters. Now, shut-up so I can get back to this blog!

Since we are talking about paychecks, I wanted to share an observation of my own paycheck. With all the talk of the new Republican tax plan, I was curious to see what I have paid in taxes thus far this year. How do I put this tactfully? Hmmm … I know! … I’m just glad I didn’t have tacos last night because I sh@t myself! Trust me, that’s the tactful version. I’m working on a theory that your own professional success can be measured in the amount of feces left in your pants after seeing your tax contributions. By that measure I have achieved a moderate amount of non-taco success.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I do not mind paying my “fair share” of taxes. The fact of the matter is that the government needs money to operate and, whether we always recognize it, the government does do a lot of good and necessary things. They do a lot of superfluous and insanely expensive and wasteful crap as well but we’ll save that for a later post. No, I don’t mind paying a fair amount of taxes. What I do mind, is when my taxes are used to pay for those who choose not to contribute to society. Notice what I said there: who choose not to. I have always been a firm believer that the government should take care of those who CANNOT take care of themselves. They should not take care of those who CHOOSE NOT to take care of themselves.

“You are treading on dangerous ground Whigman” You are thinking right about now. “Your white privilege is showing”

Let me respond with …. Wait … “Whigman”? No. You may call me Whiggy or His Holiness the Whig, but you may not call me Whigman. I’m pretty sure that’s sexist! Let me illustrate my point with a real-life story. When I was a young Whiggy, well before my wig had grayed I worked as a Parent Aide not far from the town where I was born. Part of my job, at the age of 24, was to help parents develop parenting and basic household skills. I have always been a fiscal conservative but one of my clients, oh hell let’s call her Libby too, further cemented my conservatism. Libby was my age at the time and had 5 children all under the age of 7. They had 4 different fathers. That is no a judgement of her judgement. It is simply a verifiable fact. Budgeting was one of the things I worked on with Libby. In order to do that I needed to get a full accounting of all forms of income and assistance she received.

I know this will be shocking, but she did not work.

“Now, now, Whiggy!” you are saying “Be fair! Raising 5 kids is work. You can’t work and raise 5 young kids. Don’t be mean dude!”

First, “Dude”? Really? I expect more from my readers! Whiggy or His Holiness the Whig. Don’t make me say it again. I’ll let it go this time. Second, she didn’t stay home with her children. She had several hours of free daycare a week for each of her children. I don’t remember how much, but I think it was around 25 hours a week for each child.

Back to my story. Libby, received WIC, childcare, food stamps, fuel assistance, welfare and a few other forms of assistance. That’s not to mention her boyfriend, the father of two of the children, who sold pot out of her apartment, for which she received rent assistance. Here is what truly cemented my conservatism: When I added up the value of all her assistance (I left out pot sales) she made more than the first Mrs. Whiggy and I together. We both had college degrees, a full-time job and a part-time job. We had one child at the time because had a full understanding of birth control.

Let me sum that up for you. Pay attention Libby … as I talk about Libby. The first Mrs. Whiggy and I both had college degrees and multiple jobs (all in the helping profession, incidentally). Libby had no job, unless breeding with random lowlifes counts as a job and she … MADE MORE FRICKEN MONEY THAN WE DID!!!! My first response when I discovered this was to shout WHAT THE F@CK inside my head. While I was spending four years getting an education and deeper in debt so that I could make more money for my eventual family, she spent four years getting Fu … well you get the idea.

“But Whiggy” those of you with a heart are thinking “She needs all those services so that her children can have a life and possibly break the cycle of poverty.”

To that I say … SHUT IT, HIPPIE! Do you know what she did with all those services? Let me illustrate a few examples. She used her welfare money to rent Large Screen TVs, game systems and computers from Rent-a-Center. When she couldn’t pay anymore, they would come and get the stuff. When she had money, they’d rent it right back to her. She used her food stamps for food …no let me rephrase that…she used her foodstamps for munchies and cigarettes for when she was high. She used all that time her kids were in daycare to work hard … at getting high and pregnant again. When I learned of how she used all this money I said ARE YOU F@CKING KIDDING ME. This time out-loud.

She defended herself: She had a rough childhood. Her dad went to jail when she was 13. Her mother was disabled (i.e. too fat to work). She went to a bad school. She started smoking young and couldn’t quit. And, my favorite, no one taught her about birth control.

I responded with a deeply sincere and caring response. It went something like this:” Get the hell over yourself, get off your ass, stop making excuses and get a fricken life. I was born to a 15-year-old living in foster care in the next town over. I was taken away at 3 months for failure to thrive because I lost weight since birth. I lived in 6 different families before I was 6 years old. I experienced every kind of abuse you could imagine by multiple families. Without being pushed by anyone I went to college so that my children would never experience that. I don’t want to hear any of your BS.”

I got fired.

Wait. What was my point? Crap! I meant to talk about taxes. Next time I guess.