I Never Was a Good Psychologist

I am a former child psychologist. It has been years since I worked full time counseling children and their families (true story). Given the countrywide mental health issues we have been experiencing lately, I have set up a part time private practice for those most mentally ill (NOT a true story). As such, I specialize in counseling the Moral Aristocracy (in my head).

Recently I had a fascinating case worthy of publishing and maybe even a movie directed by M. Night Shyamalan. What made this case so interesting was the client’s uncanny ability to argue against herself with no recollection of her argument. I believe I have stumbled across an entirely new form of mental disorder: Liberal Reflective Dissociation Disorder.

A middle-aged woman … I mean: a being who identified as a human female who had experienced more than 40 summer solstices entered my office. I will call her Libby, Libby Moraughn, to protect her identity. Libby explained that she had been experiencing quite a bit of anger, sadness, pyromania and confusion lately. As we delved down, we pinpointed the onset of these symptoms to November 8^th, 2016. She suffered devastating trauma on that day. The very fabric of her existence was torn asunder. Apparently, the news and everyone she knew told her Hillary Clinton would be president and that Donald Trump was the reincarnation of Hitler. So, naturally she panicked and fell into a ten-month delusional state. After burning a few neighborhoods down, she took off her vagina costume, quit her job at CNN and sought help.

Here are some excerpts of our therapy session:

Me: So, tell me what brings you in today?

Libby: Do you k

now that Trump refused to say that he would support anyone else if they were elected? How unamerican is that? I mean, even if you don’t like the person, you must support them. That’s the type of behavior I’d expect from Hitler!

Me: That’s what brought you in today? Sounds like you are not a Trump supporter.

Libby: Oh, hell no! He is not my president! No one I know supports him. He isn’t a valid president.

Her reality testing seemed to be a bit off. I wanted to see what life stressors she was experiencing.

Me: Let’s talk about how things are going for you right now. I see you just left your job.

Libby: Trump is a Billionaire. Although he probably isn’t. We can’t know because he won’t release his tax returns. But he is a billionaire that was given everything. You know he bought the presidency?

Me: Wait, what?

Libby: Money is ruining politics. You can’t trust anyone who spends so much money to become president. He took that money from other people so you know he owes favors to them.

Me: I thought I read that Hillary spent double what Trump spent and that Obama spent more than Trump did in 2016 on both of his elections.

Libby: That’s different. Money spent for democrats are given by good people and never have any strings attached.

We continued our discussion on several different topics. I tried to get Libby to discuss her family and her personal life. Each topic came back to politics.

Libby: I can’t believe Trump wants to investigate voter fraud. There is absolutely no evidence of any fraud so there is no need to investigate anything. I, myself, voted three times in three different towns and I didn’t see any fraud at all.

Me: How did we get on this subject? We were just discussing your pet hamster.

Libby: It makes perfect sense to me.

Me: O…K … What about the other investigations going on? What do you think of those?

Libby: They are great. Everyone knows that Trump is a Russian spy and these investigations will prove it. I find it funny that the evil Hitlerites keeps saying that the investigations are ridiculous because there is no evidence of any collusion yet. Hello! THAT’S WHY YOU DO INVESTIGATIONS!

At this point it was clear that medical marijuana would be extremely helpful in this situation. So, I excused myself, went to the bathroom, smoked a bowl and returned. When I got back into the office Libby was standing in the corner, chanting about anti-fascists and trying to light my therapy dolls on fire. After a few minutes of the soothing chant “what do we want? Dead Cops. When do we want them? Now.” She settled back into her seat and we continued.

Me: You seem upset. What happened?

Libby: While everyone else is covering the rain storm in evil Texas, CNN is still covering the real news, Charlottesville and Trump’s racist comment about all-sides being responsible for violence.

Me: Talk to me about violence and racism.

Libby: Well. What I know is that all the racists on the right are violent and full of hate. They really should all be killed.

Me: And racism?

Libby: Well. You should be willing to accept everyone regardless of their skin color, sexual orientation or gender choice. Everyone should respect each other.

Me:  Who do you respect?

Libby: Well I tell you who I don’t respect: anyone on the right! Those people are stupid and hateful and should all be punched in the face, kicked and lit on fire!

Me: That seems a little violent and disrespectful to me?

Libby: Not everyone deserves respect!

Me: But, you just said …

Libby: And how about this? How about you explain to me how punching someone you disagree with is violent? Sometimes people won’t listen and you have to get slightly extreme to get them to listen. So what if innocent people get beaten or their homes get burned down? Trump got another scoop of ice cream! People need to listen to what I have to say because I am always right and good. Good people can’t be violent. What do you think about that?

Me: I think you are bat-shit crazy! (I never was a good psychologist)