I saw something yesterday that touched my heart and completely changed my mind about the airbrushing of American history. I turned on the news and watched helplessly as several TV commentators, most notably the virtuous and trustworthy Van Jones, wept in response to President Trump’s condemnation of hate by both sides and his call for unity (that horrible racist puppy killing Nazi). I too was brought to tears at this display. Granted my tears were of a mirthful and mocking nature but they were tears nonetheless. Then I had an epiphany. We can change history! Together we can undo all the wrongs wrought by our forefathers (not our foremothers, they were women and therefore could do no wrong). After all, we are to blame for events that transpired hundreds, if not thousands, of years before our birth. I know these things because the great Holy Man Alfred Charles Sharpton told me so.
My friends. My country…men…women…trans…CISs .. umm. Oh screw-it … my fellow carbon-based life elements, let us rise together and undue the crimes of our past for which we are wholly responsible! Let us not stop at a measly few confederate statues. Oh no. Like the great socialists that came before us, Stalin, Lenin, Mao and Hitler, let us destroy any vestige of what came before us that does not fit our current view of Utopia free of white men and anyone who identifies as their oppressive birth gender. I propose the following revisions and reversions:
- All statues, monuments, parks and museums having to do with slavery must be torn down today. May I suggest we save taxpayer money and let the highly motivated millennials do the demolition? We can pay them with Fidget Spinners.
- Arlington National Cemetery must be bulldozed. Arlington sits on land previously owned by Robert E. Lee. His house still stands there. Also, there are confederate soldiers buried there. May I suggest the land be used as the home of the cultural movement of our time: Occupy (insert the hate of the day here)?
- The names of Washington state and the District of Columbia must be changed. Washington was a slave owner and therefore a disgrace to all that is good. May I suggest we call them Gluten-Free Rainbow Lollipop Land and Gluten-
Free Rainbow Lollipop Land SS (Safe Space)? - The name of Pennsylvania must also be changed. William Penn was a slave owner and therefore a worthless pariah to history. May I suggest the name be changed to Clintopia?
- All statues of, historical mentions of and major legislation (see what I did there?) signed by FDR must be forthwith eliminated. FDR ordered internment camps during World War II. May I suggest his memorial be replaced with one for the peace-loving Che Guevara?
- Mount Rushmore will need to be renovated. May I suggest we replace the faces of Washington (slave owner), Jefferson (rapist slave owner) and Roosevelt (Indian killer) with great utopian socialists? While not American, we cannot doubt the Omnipotent State Utopias created by Stalin, Mao and Hitler were indeed places of peace and love. They understood that government knew best and could ensure that everyone was treated equally.
- All railroads must be torn up immediately. The railroads were largely built by Chinese immigrants forced into labor, treated poorly and paid less than $15 an hour. May I suggest the railroads be replaced with bike lanes with Citybike kiosks added every half mile?
- The state of Maine must be returned to Massachusetts and the state of Missouri must become an unorganized territory. Both were part of the Missouri Compromise, which only propagated slavery. No further suggestion here. (feel free to add your suggestion in the comments)
- All US Cities must be immediately disbanded. It has been an undisputed fact that evil white meat and gluten eating men forced former slaves from their plantations and packed them into cities in a 200 year plan to keep them subjugated, underprivileged and poorly educated. May I suggest that each of the 45 million or so African Americans, all of whom are still victims of slavery, be given 10 acres of federal land?
- The democrat party must be disbanded immediately. They have a history of supporting slavery and creating the KKK. May I suggest it be replaced with the ultimate goal of socialism, the Borg?
Wait! What the hell am I thinking? I am sorry. Please excuse my ignorance. I am missing the root of the problem. We can solve all our problems with two very simple solutions:
- There were relatively few black people in the colonies before the slave trade. Since every single African American today is here, and an object of cultural subjugation, due to that slave trade we must reverse it. It seems only logical that all African Americans should be liberated of the “American” and returned to their glorious homelands.
Oh calm down! Don’t call me a racist. I’m not done yet. Damn it Van Jones, stop crying! You aren’t even reading this. Uh Oh, I hear peaceful protesters approaching my house. Are those flamethrowers? I said … LET ME FINISH!
- When the original evil white colonists arrived from Europe they murdered the peaceful indigenous people, destroyed the lands and raped the native fauna. This land cannot reach its Utopian ideal unless all those of European heritage (i.e. evil white devils) are purged from the land. Therefore, logic dictates that white people of privilege (i.e all evil white devils) be returned to Europe.
Problem solved for all sides! Uh Oh, I said all sides. Here come the peaceful protesters again. Are those gluten-free hybrid chainsaws?
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